Parents want to have a positive impact on our children. One path to achieving this desire is building a healthy relationship. Ephesians 6:4 encourages “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Healthy relationships with our children can be a foundation for raising them in a way that aligns with Jesus’ example. Below are four S’s that provide some practical guidance on how we, as parents, might grow secure attachment (relationship) with our children.
Safe
Healthy attachment is built on the foundation of safety. We want to help our children to know and experience that they can turn to us for help. For many parents the idea of being a safe place for their children seems like a given. We might think – of course I am a safe place for my children, they can turn to me when they find themselves in difficult circumstances or situations. However, the reality is our interactions with them sometimes do not communicate we are safe. This can happen when our words or behavior consistently communicate things like: “I don’t have time for this,” “I am not interested”, “You are always messing things up” or “You are interrupting me from what I am really interested in”.
Three ways of establishing safety with our kids are:
- Be present and available for them to come to you.
- Be reliable.
- Be emotionally regulated (i.e. not angry or shaming in responses).
Seen
There’s something very powerful about being known. This is at the heart of what it means to be seen. Helping our children know that we see them and we are for them is another key ingredient to building healthy attachment. Paying attention, being curious, and joining our kids are three ingredients for helping our children feel seen by us.
Paying attention is primarily about noticing. It is easy to miss what is right in front of us if we are not intentionally paying attention. There are many less important things that can distract us from our children and our role as a parent. Being mentally and emotionally present when we are physically present with our children is essential to helping us “see” our children. Ask yourself – what is my child drawn toward and what do they seem to shy away from?
Curiosity is about wanting to understand our child and being willing to learn. It is about asking good questions that convey the message – I want to better understand your world and know you better. Three common barriers to curiosity are:
- Busy-ness which hinders taking the time to be curious.
- Thinking we already know our children sufficiently. Having certainty that we know something reduces curiosity.
- Significant frustration with our child. When we are frustrated, it is difficult to consider what we might learn about our child.
Joining is about being impacted by our children. We join with our children when we get excited when they are excited and connect with their sadness when they are sad. Another example of joining could be taking interest in what our child is interested in or letting go of something they are not interested in, not forcing them to pursue it solely because we, as the parent, are interested in it.
Soothing
Helping our children regulate their emotions is another important part of developing a healthy attachment. We want to be a source of comfort for our children. We soothe with our words when we speak words of care and truth. We soothe with our behavior when we are present in a way that reflects how God is present with us.
It is important to acknowledge that parents are not always soothing and often what we do to protect, instruct, or redirect our children is not appealing to them. When we do things they don’t like, this will naturally bring distress. We want to soothe by being a source they can rely on for wisdom, care, and protection.
Summoning
The previous S’s lean toward being nurturing support to our children. The last S of healthy attachment leans toward appropriately pushing our children forward. Summoning our children is about encouraging growth. Summoning sees challenges and difficulties as a key ingredient to becoming who they are to become. This is about giving responsibility to our children and communicating “you can do this”. We want to give them a realistic vision for who they are today and who they might be able to become in the years ahead.
We want to help our children explore their world and experience the bumps, bruises, joys, and adventures that come with exploring. At a young age this might look like encouraging them to try a new toy or spend time exploring a room alone. As they age this will be encouraging things like trying new activities and taking on new responsibilities. In summoning our children, we hope to position them toward growth.
Conclusion
Safe, seen, soothing, and summoning are four potential focus points for parents to consider in growing relational connection with their children. One very important thing to remember is that no parent does these four S’s perfectly. Parents are to step into this God-given role as best we can while learning from our mistakes and thanking God for successes. When we acknowledge mistakes and apologize, we are repairing the relational connection with our children, displaying humility, and modeling how to engage relationships in God honoring ways.
Ephesians 6:4 “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
