The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Have you ever assumed someone was upset with you, only to discover later that your assumption was completely wrong? Many relationship conflicts begin not with facts but with the stories we tell ourselves about another person’s motives, intentions, or actions. These internal stories feel convincing, even familiar, yet they can often lack grounding in reality. The good news is that we can grow in our awareness of the stories we tell ourselves, their impact on self and others, and learn to move toward biblical communication that deepens connection in our relationships.

What are the Stories We Tell Ourselves?

In relationships, the stories we tell ourselves are the assumptions, interpretations, and conclusions we create when we do not have all the facts. They fill in the gaps of uncertainty, usually shaped by our emotions, past experiences, or insecurities. And while these stories can feel true, if not properly navigated, they can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, relational distance, and unnecessary conflict. Several examples may illustrate the kind of negative stories we can be prone to:

• Assumed motives – “She didn’t call me back because she’s upset with me.” 
• Catastrophizing – “They don’t really care about me.” (Minor relational distance becomes emotional abandonment).
•  Mind-reading – “I know exactly what he meant by that comment.”
• Self-protection narratives – “I won’t bring it up; it’s best / safest to stay quiet.”

We see similar assumptions in relationships take place in scripture. At the end of Joshua (Ch. 22), the initial conquest of the Promised Land was finished. The tribes of Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh had claimed land on the east side of the Jordan River before this fighting had begun. They had agreed to help their fellow tribes with the conquest but now were returning to their inheritance. When they crossed the Jordan, they built an altar. Once the remaining tribes heard this, it seems the assumptions began to fly. Many assumed the motive for this altar was rebellion (Joshua 22:16), and forces were mobilized to bring these wayward tribes back in line. Only some patient questioning and listening by the leadership was able to keep the tribes from quickly reacting violently to the “stories” they were telling themselves.  

Why Do We Make Assumptions About Others?

It is normal to make assumptions. Even the most patient, thoughtful person can slip into assumptions in relationships. Often internal stories can feel protective and give us a sense of control or stability, but they disrupt healthy relationship communication and lead to misunderstandings. Several factors contribute to this:

• Personal biases – We often interpret others through the lens of our own fears, wounds, and expectations.  
• Past experiences – If someone hurt us before, we may assume others will do the same.  
• Fear or insecurity – When we feel uncertain, our minds tend to rush to fill in the blanks.  
• Human nature – We crave certainty, even if we have to invent it.  

How Do Assumptions Damage Relationships

Assumptions in relationships are subtle but can have a significant, negative impact. They distort reality, lead to emotional distance, and undermine trust. Here are a few practical examples in various types of relationships: 

1. Marriage– A husband comes home and is quiet after a stressful day. His wife assumes he’s upset with her. She withdraws. He senses her distance and assumes she’s frustrated with him. Both feel hurt—yet neither story is true. 
2. Friendship– A friend overhears a comment made at a social gathering and assumes it’s directed at them. They stop reaching out. The other friend assumes they’re being avoided. This friendship weakens over a misunderstanding. 
3. Family– A parent texts their adult child, who doesn’t respond for a day. The parent assumes the child is ignoring them. The child assumes the parent is overreacting. Tension grows, even though the child is simply busy. 
4. Church Relationships – Someone walks past you at church without saying hello. You assume they’re upset. They assume you’re fine. In reality, they were distracted or didn’t see you. 

In ministry and counseling settings, some relationships deteriorate not because of actual wrongdoing, but because assumptions went unchallenged. People suffer deeply from stories that were never true. Scripture provides a great deal of help when it comes to cautioning us about making assumptions as well as direction on healthy, biblical communication. 

• Proverbs 18:13, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
  • This verse captures the heart of assumptions vs facts. When we react before gathering information, we act foolishly.  
• James 1:19, “let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak…” 
• Ephesians 4:2, “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;”
• 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
  • As conveyed in these verses, biblical communication requires patience, humility and a commitment to the truth, not partially true stories. We are encouraged to give others the benefit of doubt and not jump to conclusions. 

How Can I Separate Facts from Assumptions?

There are several practical steps you can take to reduce assumptions and misunderstandings in relationships:  

1. Pause Before Reacting – When you feel hurt, offended, or confused, pause. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What do I know? What are the facts a third party could confirm? What am I assuming? What negative story am I telling myself? 
2. Seek Clarification – Seek to be curious instead of reacting, and tentatively ask: “Hey, I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Is everything okay?” “I may be misunderstanding—can you help me understand what you meant?” This is the heart of biblical communication: listening before responding and concluding what someone meant. 
3. Give the Benefit of the Doubt – seek to assume the best until proven otherwise. For example, maybe they were distracted. Maybe they were tired. Maybe they didn’t realize how their words sounded. 
4. Check Your Internal Narrative – Ask yourself: Is this story based on assumption or fact? Am I projecting past experiences onto this person? Am I interpreting their behavior through my insecurities? Am I seeking to create certainty where I don’t have it? Am I only seeing what I want to see? 
5. Invite God into the Story – Pray: “Lord, help me see and know truth. Guard my heart from false assumptions and stories. Give me wisdom to respond with humility and grace.” God’s Spirit helps us discern truth from assumption and story. 

Conclusion

It is tempting to default toward assumptions and internal, negative stories. Yet, these assumptions and stories don’t need to control us. With Scripture as our guide and the Holy Spirit as our helper, we can learn to pause, listen, clarify, and communicate with Christlike wisdom. Healthy relationships are not built on assumptions, but on truth, grace, and love.