At the time of a proposal, it is important to assess the spiritual soundness and sincerity of the man and woman. Often, elders will have a sense of this from shepherding them over time. A proposal and engagement should be grounded in faith and godly wisdom that occurs with counsel in community.
Below is a list of potential questions which can help elders assess the spiritual wellbeing, maturity, emotional stability, and general readiness for an individual to consider when sending or receiving a proposal. Every situation is different so these questions may need to be modified as necessary.
Relationship with God
- Are you at peace with God? Are you close enough to God that you can feel his love and grace?
- What spiritual practices/disciplines are you engaging in to help build your relationship with God?
- Are you living an overcoming life? Is there any area of your life where you are not victorious over temptation?
- Do you have any unconfessed sin in your life?
- How do you feel about church? How connected are you to the body of believers?
Decision Making Process
- Please describe how you have sought the Lord’s direction in faith with this decision. (Listen for how the person has or hasn’t included prayer, study of the Word, counsel, adequate time, and self-examination.)
- If applicable, talk to the individual about the importance of using Godly wisdom as you make a marriage decision (i.e., signs should not be the sole basis for making a decision, they must align with the Word, the person should still be willing to receive counsel, etc.).
- Do you truly believe God is directing you to submit this proposal at this time with the understanding that his will regarding marriage is yet to be revealed? Are you surrendered to receive his further direction on this matter?
- Do you expect that he/she is going to be surprised when she gets this proposal?
Practical Matters
- For men – What is your understanding of spiritual leadership in marriage? What is your understanding of submission?
- For women – What is your understanding of being a help meet (Gen. 2:18) and submission in marriage? What does spiritual leadership look like for a potential husband?
- Are you ready to make the personal adjustments required for marriage? For example, are you willing to be in a mutually submissive relationship with a spouse?
- What ways would life possibly change for you should you transition from a single person to a married person?
- What is your plan for being able to adequately support a family? [The following questions can be used to obtain more information, if necessary.]
- Give examples of ways you are currently practicing biblical principles of stewardship in your finances.
- How much debt do you have? What is your plan for reducing and eliminating any debts that you have? (Note: Be specific about this number as what is significant debt to one person is a minor debt to another.)
- Do you have any life experiences or issues in your past that could negatively affect a potential marriage? [The following questions can be used to obtain more information, if necessary.]
- Have you had any life experiences that someone might describe as traumatic or abusive? For example, this could be emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or other traumatic experience. If yes, how are those things being dealt with today? Is there anything that needs to be done to deal with this more effectively?
- Have you had anything in your past that someone may describe as addictive (e.g., alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling)? If yes, when did it start and how long was it a struggle? If yes, how are those things being dealt with today? Is there anything that needs to be done to deal with this more effectively?
- Have you struggled with same sex attractions or other attractions outside of God’s design?
- Do you have any physical or mental health issues that could affect a potential marriage? [The following questions can be used to obtain more information, if necessary.]
- Do you have any current or past emotional or mental health conditions (e.g., depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc.)? If yes, how are those things being dealt with today? Is there anything that needs to be done to deal with this more effectively? Is there any family history of mental illness?
- Do you have any significant medical problems? For example, do you have any known health conditions that could limit your fertility, life span, or lifestyle?
Explaining the Process
- Identify and agree upon any relevant information that you learned through the questions above that may need to be passed along with the proposal or shared at some point in the proposal process.
- Mention the need to consult with the previous home elder if the person has not been in residence in your congregation for very long.
- Determine if the person is ready to move ahead with a wedding if the proposal is accepted.
Working Through Difficult Issues
In some cases, there are other difficult variables which should be considered to spare both parties pain and to prevent problems and resentment later. These variables include physical health issues, mental health issues, serious sin and temptation issues, significant family conflict, financial concerns such as excessive debt, etc. (see appendix)
- During the proposal process, it is important to balance the privacy of each party with the necessity to be open and honest about concerns. While there is no exact template for each case, there are several steps that can be helpful.
- The elder(s) involved should ask each party at the time of the proposal if there are any unresolved issues in their lives that could negatively impact a marital relationship.
- Through discussion with the person giving/receiving the proposal, the elder can prayerfully discern whether there are issues significant enough that (1) prevent the proposal from going forward, (2) need to be shared with the other person who is giving/receiving the proposal, or (3) the elder wants to talk with another elder to receive additional counsel before proceeding.
- Individuals giving/receiving a proposal should know that if there are significant/serious issues in their lives, it may be necessary to share that information with the other person at some point in the proposal.
- In these cases, the elder should assure the person that this will be done in a kind and sensitive way. However, it is critical for the future of the relationship to have openness and honesty.
- Issues of a personal matter should not be shared with the person receiving the proposal without the knowledge of the person giving the proposal (or vice versa).
If there are concerns with a proposal, the elders involved should assess whether these issues should be shared and at what point to share them. There are several points at which elders may choose to share information:
- Generally, it is good to keep issues confidential until there is some indication the other party may also feel led toward marriage.
- At times it may be good when sharing the proposal with the individual to tell him/her that there are some private items that you would like to share with him/her if they begin to feel open to marriage, but that it is respectful to wait until then.
- Finally, some issues are of a nature that can wait to be addressed after the proposal has gone through and the couple is engaged.
