5 Strategies for Speaking with your Children Podcast Episode

There’s something put inside of us that desires to be known, and our heart hungers to be known, ultimately through our Savior, but here on earth, to be known by someone, to know that we matter, to know that someone cares, that’s a huge connection opportunity, but it’s a huge part of the heart God has designed.

Welcome back, friends, to Breaking Bread, the podcast brought to you by Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services. I am Matt Kaufman, and in the studio, I have Craig Stickling. Welcome, Craig. Thank you, Matt. Very good to be here. Explain to the listeners your intersection here at ACCFS. I’ve been blessed to have been able to come on board back in 2000, really, as things were getting started.

And with the opportunity of focusing with kids and with parents, I’m really utilizing my experience as a school counselor. I’ve worked as a school counselor for 25 years with a range of kids from kindergarten to eighth grade and to be able to bring that expertise here to ACCFS. There’s just a lot of things to share with parents who want some help.

Providing and laying down a few really beneficial helps, and that’s going to be somewhat around the topic of language and speaking. We’re given the great gift of communication through words and to be able to express and to be able to talk. So, we’re going to be looking at using words in communication, using language as we instruct and care and provide for our kids.

Speak about this concept of discipline. It really has some verbal underpinnings So many times it seems like when a parent is speaking about discipline, they’re thinking of that far continuum of administering a harsh consequence. The root word of discipline actually means to teach. When we think of Jesus, he was making disciples, right?

So, the word disciple is related to discipline. When we look at the word discipline, it is our opportunity to teach our kids. I want my kids to understand the message and I want to help them understand. It’s my job as mom and dad to not just give them the message, but make sure they have understood the message correctly and then that they’re able to follow through on what the message was.

And so those are many parts of this that all come together. So, let’s needle in a little bit more. Again, there are a thousand things we can say on teaching or discipline. Right. But we’re going to focus a little bit more on that communication process in today’s podcast. And in particular, how we use words. So, what’s first, what skill or tip? Well, let’s take this idea of language and, and we’ll kind of maybe set a broader stage and we’ll hit some different pieces of that. First one we’re going to look at is envisioning language. So. envisioning is that power to help our students see what we’re asking, see what we’re looking for.

We’re helping them set the goal down the road. We’re helping them envision what our goal is, what our, what our desires and our hopes are for them. Part of the difficulty with language is that language is extremely abstract. Knowing the future that you haven’t been to is even more abstract.

So, to your point, this really is teed up nicely for us as parents to help our children envision something that they’ve never experienced, and very much so if we’re trying to cast some sort of vision. That’s really what we’re trying to do. And Christ was a master teacher because not only did he present principles, but then he used parables to help his disciples see what he was talking about. So, he was helping them envision. This is what I’m actually talking about through this principle. So, he used parables, and he used that common approach to help envision for his disciples.

That’s excellent. What’s another example? We want to have a house of respect. You need to respect mom and dad, or you need to respect your sister. Okay. So, respect is an envisioning. Yeah, but a very abstract word for kids. So, our next step would be, in our home, respect looks like when mom has asked you to pick up the plate after supper, that you then go and do that.

So, we paint the picture of what that word respect looks like. But you’re casting a vision to saying our home is a home of respect. But without undergirding that term respect, they really don’t know what that means about their home. But they know their home is a place of respect. So, respect is the envisioning piece.

Right. And then you support that word with what it looks like. And there’s not a shortage of those opportunities. And is that all a part of the envisioning language then what you’re talking about here? Okay. Number two is reinforcing language. So, using reinforcing as a way to show what we’re expecting out of our children or out of our students.

So, we use reinforcing language to support them, guide them, direct them in learning what the expectation was. So, I’m going to take a stab at this. So, if respect is our envisioning and we explain what that looks like, we might reinforce that by saying, John, that wasn’t respectful. The way you addressed your sister wasn’t respectful.

It could have been respectful if it was this way. Right. Is that correct? Am I reinforcing? You think of just the concept of reinforcing. You are putting additional layers of support to strengthen an idea or a concept, so reinforcing is taking us back to what we’re envisioning, but reinforcing now is helping gauge us.

Okay, how am I doing with that? How am I doing? What do these words mean? We have to support them. We have to reinforce them. There’s an element of reinforcing that you mentioned that we need to make sure both hands are in play and one hand is pointing out or acknowledging, boy, this wasn’t what we’re talking about.

This was an example of, and so bringing out the times where they don’t measure up and bringing in that piece, but then also having our eyes on guard to look for those times when, wow, they did that right. Yeah, they got that. Yeah, teach both by acknowledging when things are being understood and acknowledging when things are not being understood. I remember a poster that said sometimes I’m motivated, or I change sometimes because I see the light and other times because I feel the heat. And some of our kids might need more of one side and more of the other but they’ll need both. But it’s the right balance for us to be able to be in tune with our children to say, okay this one needs a little more heat, this one needs a little more light and to be able to bring that to helping them with that language piece.

So, we have envisioning language. We have reinforcing language. Yeah, the next one now will be reminding language. How many times do I have to remind you to pack your lunch or get your books or put your toys away. How many times do I have to remind you? And so, we’ll take this word reminding and maybe we’ll sharpen it down to a tool that will have a little more effectiveness.

I feel the phrase reminding can just almost seem like, oh, this is the frustrating point of language with my kids. I’m always reminding them. And is there a difference between reminding your child and pointing out how many times I need to remind them? Let’s kind of up the toolbox piece here a little bit.

This is a good tool that we want parents to have and we’re going to step a little bit away from how many times do I need to tell you? And let’s use this tool as a prompt to say, okay, when I’m reminding, I’m going to use this as a prompt to say, okay, when I get my child to think about the expectation that’s next or that’s coming. So, I’m not going to have a consequence if something doesn’t. Yeah. So, we’re using it as the prompt. Usually when we’re thinking of reminding, most of us as parents think, all right, I have to tell them again what to do. Oh, but if I look at it differently and say, no way, when I use reminding language, I’m going to ask them a question.

I’m going to prompt them into thinking about, okay, what happens next? What do you need before we leave the door? What do we need? Instead of telling them, we’re prompting them. So, that’s the reminder piece. We want their brain to work. We know our brain works. But we want their brain to be working. What would happen if we don’t water the dog today?

Again, reminding them of that. Yes. And so, using this language opportunity as a way to grow that skill in their mind. That ability to think ahead, logical decision making, cause and effect. And so, when we tell them we have missed an opportunity to get their brain actually doing the work.

Interesting. So simply to make that command. Right. Water the dog today. They can do that and satisfy it. Today’s task. But not have built in the thought process. And that tomorrow the dog will need to be watered as well. Right. They’re not growing in that sense.

And as mom and dad, do we want to just become really good commanders? Or do we want to be able to transfer that independence to our child for them to be able to say, you know what, I know what I need to have before we go to church on Sunday mornings. So, to transfer that independence. So, we’re always in that tension.

Our commanding versus their independence, but it’s a challenge, but it’s worth it. But Craig, I know I get caught in the commanding snare because it’s so efficient. Yes, it is. It’s so time efficient. Just get it, do it. Yeah, no questions asked. And sometimes I think it’s a product of maybe a harried life that I have not budgeted in enough margin to actually teach.

Yeah, I don’t have time to teach. I do have time to tell, though. Yeah, absolutely and sometimes that efficiency piece just has to happen. However, when it doesn’t or we have to be aware of that and to say, you know what? This might be the moment, or this might be the day that I’m going to take some time and intentionally teach reminding questions as opposed to just commanding we need to get this done.

Good. What’s the fourth tool? Fourth one looks at redirecting language. Okay, so this fits into that piece of minding. It’s really similar. Seems like the redirecting language Matt is going to address more of. Okay, what happens if my child is not doing what I’ve reinforced what I’ve used reminding, now what do I do?

So redirecting is this language that comes back in to help us understand to instruct our child and we’re directing them right back to the task at hand. To redirect, you have to be cognizant of the direction they are going. Yeah, they have to be in motion for you to redirect them. To command them, they might not be in any motion at all, might not be thinking at all. So, there is an advantage in redirection and that is their mind is clicking. Which, from a teacher’s perspective, is exactly where you want a student. So, there’s a real optimism here, when we have a chance to redirect, we’re actually dealing with pliable clay, you might say.

Yeah. At that moment. For example, let’s say we’re at the supper table, and kids are maybe sharing experiences of the day, and one of our kids who loves to talk and might have a hundred things to share, but we’re getting other ones and maybe this one is interrupting the other kids as they’re sharing.

So, we would use redirecting to be able to specifically let that child know, you’ve had your chance to share. We’re going to hear from the rest and then we’ll get back to you. So, redirecting gives them a clear expectation of what we’re doing here at this moment, right? It takes a child who’s already in movement and helps them channel that energy and direction.

Our last language here to consider for today is open-ended questions. That might be something that some might have a little more familiarity with than others. Sure. A closed question being yes or no. Yes. And so, an open-ended question is a question that we’re presenting to our children. It’s really getting them to go into their mind, connect into their mind, connect in what they’re thinking, and to be able to pull out a thought and to share about something.

You now allow your child to use his or her vocabulary, his or her communication skills, which are very instructive, even to help that process. And that’s so helpful in opening up their world to be able to understand themselves and communicate. Yeah, we pour into them language with envisioning, reinforcing, reminding, redirecting, and then open-ended questions is an opportunity, like you said, to go check some of the fruit there.

What’s connecting? What are they thinking about? How are they able to share that? And open-ended questions allow us to be able to do that. Isn’t an interaction between Christ and Peter, who basically, when some have left him, turn to his disciples and say, are you going to go away too? Doesn’t Peter reply and say, well, where are we going to go?

Who has the words of life? That is so exciting. To think of words bringing about life. That’s exactly what we have in Christ’s words. It brings about life. But it’s not without the redirection and the correction and some of the elements you spoke of. Christ, before he influenced, he engaged and then he used communication and then there was influence, but he was always engaging.

So, you’re looking at that engaging process with our kids and being able to speak with them. And some of our kids love to answer questions. Others of them can take every open-ended question and make it a yes, no. But to your point, this is not about words in isolation. It’s about words coupled with engagement.

Just as Christ did. And what message does that send? Well, someone takes the time to be able to speak with me. Someone wants to know how my day went. I find sometimes, sadly, in my schoolwork, there are some students who come in and talk to me and they really don’t have anything important to say.

They just are looking for someone to listen to them. There is such a loving act when we communicate, and we learn the language of our children. And in such a wonderful way, God has done that with us. He’s put the Bible in our own language. I’m not sure what he speaks up there, but he speaks English to me.

And it’s such a loving stooping of himself to my capacity. And we parents really have that opportunity, but also responsibility to communicate and learn to communicate with our kids, don’t we? Oh, absolutely. When we were able to build that communication with the small things, boy, that opens up a door sometimes then to be able to come and talk about the big things.

Speak to this concept of silence and doing silence well. And that’s not the same thing as absence. Silence does not equal absence. And silence is so hard for some people. And maybe comes too easily for others. But I think of Job and when Job was in a hard time of his life. His friends had presence with him.

It says that his three friends sat with him for seven days in silence. And said nothing. I cannot imagine that. But I love that concept of presence around someone who’s maybe in a tough place, or maybe they’re having a hard time, or maybe they’re just a little bit in that awkward, uncertain stage of life.

But I will have silence to be around you with my presence. And that’s such a tender moment. With parents and children to have heard something from them that you’re at a loss for words. And it’s sometimes, I know for me, they’re looking at you like, are you going to fix this?

Isn’t there something that you can say? And sometimes, well, often, Craig, there’s nothing to say. Be present with him at that time and acknowledge that I don’t have a word to fix this, but I want you to know how much you matter to me. and how much you mean to God, and that we are here through this.

And to send that message to them, communicating is about sending a message. Sometimes we use words, and sometimes we use presence, and we just are able to put an anchor out there that says, you know what, those will be hard times. I don’t necessarily have a fix for that. But I want you to know that mom and dad are here for you and to present that anchor.

Silence does a great job of letting the child speak. Sometimes they might take a little bit longer time to come up with an answer. And so, we’re letting them have the appropriate wait time to be able to come up with a response. That processing time is key. And if we don’t learn that as parents, we can really go on and on and lose them quite quickly. And frustrate them. Very deeply. I think one thing that you really say in that moment of allowing processing time is that you matter. It can be painfully long sometimes. But just to simply be present as you mentioned with them. And say we’ve got time. There’s no rush. And the power of remembering.

Maybe we’ve drained the well for today in our engagement, but to remember and to come back the next day or the day after to say, you know what, remember back the other day we were talking about that one kid at school, and it was a tough thing. I want you to know, I remembered that. So, a part of what you’re saying here, Craig, is when we engage with our children to realize that not everything needs to be said in one setting. Sometimes silence and then that silence could be a day or a week or whatever knowing that more needs to be said in time.

Yeah, but not right now. That’s tough to know. Craig, before I let you go, I feel like I want to glean from your perspective in working with so many young people. You talk to a lot of children. Many kids, many ages, over many years. There’s something put inside of us that desires to be known, and our heart hungers to be known, ultimately through our Savior, but here on earth, to be known by someone to know that they matter, to know that someone cares. That’s a huge connection opportunity, but it’s a huge part of the heart that God has designed. And as parents, we have an opportunity. God has given us the opportunity and commissioned us to know our children. And to personify a bit of his pursuit and his ultimate knowing.

Yeah. And in the school setting, especially. I’m like one of those spares, when you get a flat tire, that you take out of the back that they’re really small and really hard. And they’re meant just to get you to the next rest stop. They’re not meant to drive on. And when kids speak to me, I’m substituting.

What they’re really telling me is that they want to be able to have communication with their mom and with their dad, with the adult in their home, their caretaker. That’s what their heart yearns for is that connection, that communication. And wonderfully, Craig, today you have given us five wonderful keys, six, including silence, and then the five verbal keys, envisioning language, reinforcing language, reminding language, redirecting, and then open-ended questions.

I think those provide some tools that we’ve been using, but we haven’t named them. Now that they’ve been named, we might use them more regularly and do just exactly what you said. Learn to know our children, which is a tremendous charge. Absolutely it is, Matt. Thanks for being here today, Craig.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Thankful for the opportunity.