A Guide for Reflection During Marriage Decision Making

One of the aspects of utilizing godly wisdom is performing self-reflection. The following are some topics which can guide this crucial process as you consider marriage. It is important to bear in mind every individual and couple enters marriage with room for growth. The intent of this section is to encourage you as you prepare your heart towards Christian marriage. It is meant to be completed carefully and with time and is best utilized when discussed with a trusted mentor.  

This self-reflection section is designed to identify potential areas of weakness and provide you with the tools for growth in these areas. Prayerfully move though the content, allowing the Spirit to confirm areas of strength and reveal areas of needed growth. When a weakness is revealed, linger on that area of growth and allow the Spirit of God to mature you in that area. Follow the example below. 

 Areas of General Reflection 

 RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST IS VITAL

1. My relationship with Christ is healthy.

Our personal relationship with God must be first in our life and more important than any human relationship, including a potential spouse. A marriage relationship should be built on the foundation of our relationship with Christ. It is essential our relationship with Christ be healthy & growing.  

Mark 12:30-31, “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” 

Meditate on your relationship with Christ using his sermon to his disciples. – Matthew 5-7 

Take a Deeper Look: Watch “The Vision for Discipleship.” 

2. I want to be conformed to the image of Christ.

Marriage is designed to be an earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Anyone wishing to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage should be willing to become conformed into the image of Christ.  

Colossians 2:6-7, “As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.” 

Meditate on the “mind of Christ” regarding relationships. – Philippians 2 

Take a Deeper Look: Spiritual Formation course

 

PERSONAL HISTORY IMPACTS MARRIAGE

1. I have no unconfessed sin in my life.

Unconfessed sin is a seedbed for future hurt. Deal with sin before it hurts spouses and children. 

Psalm 51:3, “For I acknowledge my transgressions: & my sin is ever before me.” 

Meditate on David’s repentance. – Psalm 51 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “How to Repent” article. 

2. I am living an overcoming life in Christ.

An overcoming life is demonstrated by consistent spiritual progress whereby a Christian is quick to repent for sin, is determined to resist temptation and relishes God’s peace and favor. One is not dominated by sin, responds quickly in a setback, and continues to grow toward greater understanding of the biblical meaning of overcoming. 

Romans 6:11, “…Reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.” 

Meditate on living in the Spirit and not the flesh. – Galatians 5 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “What Does an Overcoming Christian Life Look Like?” article. 

 3. I view God in a healthy way.

Often our image of God can become distorted from experiences in life or inaccurate interpretations of God’s Word. It is critical we are constantly examining our views in the light of the Word and conforming our view of God to this truth. 

John 4:24, “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.” 

Meditate on God’s attributes. – Psalm 139 

Take a Deeper Look: Listen to the “God Image” podcast episodes. 

 4. I acknowledge and am willing to work through unresolved emotional or relational issues in my life. I am also willing to share this with my potential spouse.

Some people have gone through various life experiences which can impact the marriage decision. Experiences of abuse, trauma, past inappropriate intimate relationships, dysfunction in your family-of-origin, mental illness, etc. can all lead to further difficulties if they are not dealt with appropriately. Seek wise counsel for help dealing with these issues. These issues are not reasons to avoid marriage; rather, they are issues which need to be worked through so you can better become who God wants you to be. 

2 Corinthians 2:11, “Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.” 

Meditate on the hope and power offered through the gospel to every aspect of our life. – Ephesians 2 

Take a Deeper Look: Appendix A: Factors that Could Potentially Lead to Marital Struggles 

5. I do not view marriage as an escape or solution to my problems.

Marriage is not a good escape from problems. Only God can truly “settle” us. If we seek this settling in relationships, things, or by escaping a current situation instead of trusting God through it, it can lead to further spiritual detriment for ourselves and others. Seek to be content in “whatsoever state” you are. 

1 Peter 5:10, “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” 

Meditate on the true meaning of contentment. – Philippians 4:11-13, 1 Peter 5:5-11 

Take a Deeper Look: Listen to the “Contentment” podcast episodes. 

6. I have established a pattern of healthy relationships and emotional health. 

Marriage will bring light to unhealthy patterns and habits in the areas of relationships and emotional health. It is imperative an individual recognize their relational strengths and weaknesses and be willing to purposefully grow areas of weakness.  

2 Timothy 2:20-21, “But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonor. If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master’s use, and prepared unto every good work.” 

Meditate on the “put offs” and “put ons” of Ephesians 4:17-32, Colossians 3. 

Take a Deeper Look: Appendix B: Characteristics of Emotionally Healthy People

 

MARRIAGE GIVES RISE TO COMMITMENTS

1. I am willing to commit to a life-long covenant relationship.

Similar to how God’s covenant with us is meant to be eternal, the marriage covenant is meant to endure as long as we have life. 

Matt. 19:4-6, “And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” 

Meditate on God’s covenant and the sanctity of vows. – Jeremiah 31:31-34, 32:38-41, Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 

Take a Deeper Look: Appendix C: An Example of Apostolic Christian Marriage Vows 

2. I am ready and willing to “leave” my father and mother and “cleave” to a spouse.

When two people enter marriage, they are to “leave” their family of origin, “cleave” to their spouse, and establish a new family unit. This means relationships with family and friends will change and a spouse should become the preeminent relationship in your life. This might also mean significant geographic or even cultural changes. These “costs” should be counted.  

Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” 

Meditate on “oneness” as we see it in and with the Trinity. – John 17:21-26, Ephesians 4:1-14 

Take a Deeper Look: Listen to the “Leaving & Cleaving” podcast episodes. 

 3. I currently build a rapport of trust & confidence with others and will build this trust and confidence with my spouse.

Marriage unites two into one (Ephesians 5:31). For this to happen fully, there must be a high level of trust between the individuals. This pattern of trust should first begin in one’s single life. One’s appearance and behavior should carry the overtones of a character which values singularity and trust.  

Proverbs 20:6-7, “Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find? The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him.” 

Meditate on the singularity of marriage. – 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:5 

Take a Deeper Look: Write out a description of why you should be considered trustworthy by others. Be specific in your examples. 

 4. I am willing to take on the responsibility of children should God give us children.

God designed marriage to be the context in which children are born. When considering marriage, both men and women should evaluate their willingness and ability to take care of the emotional, spiritual, and physical needs of children. Having children is a blessing. However, they also require parents who will selflessly devote themselves to the parenting journey and its blessings and challenges. 

Deuteronomy 6:6-7, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” 

Meditate on the duty to train children. – Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6:1-4 

Take a Deeper Look: Listen to Parenting podcast episodes. 

 

MARRIAGE REQUIRES A WILLINGNESS TO SET ASIDE ONE’S OWN DESIRES FOR THE SAKE OF THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

1. I am willing to submit to a spouse. 

Christian marriage models the submission of the Trinity–unity born out of diversity through the pattern of preferring the other.  

Ephesians 5:21, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” 

Meditate on the power of submission. – Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Peter 3:1-7 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Biblical Headship and Submission” article. 

 2. I am able and willing to be flexible, forbearing, & forgiving.

Marriage naturally results in changes, transitions, and challenges. Therefore, anyone entering into marriage will need to make adjustments and be willing to sacrifice in order to accommodate the other person and to grow in Christ-likeness. Differences in personality, family background, decision-making, and preferences/taste can be areas of conflict and polarization or opportunities for developing mutual understanding and appreciation. Having a forgiving and forbearing spirit is an essential quality people considering marriage should be cultivating. 

Colossians 3:12-14, “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.” 

Meditate on Ephesians 4: 17-32. 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Forgiveness” article. 

 

MARRIAGE IS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY INTIMATE 

1. I am not overly influenced by outward appearances.

God created us with physical attraction. It is understandable and natural to notice and be drawn physically toward others. Furthermore, it is appropriate to be a good steward of our physical health and body. However, an over-focus on our outward appearance or how others look can distract us in the marriage decision. While it is impossible not to notice another person’s outward appearance and physical attractiveness, Scripture teaches that valuing appearance and external qualities over the heart is unwise. How a potential spouse looks is guaranteed to change with time and age; character is one of the most enduring aspects of one’s life over time. 

1 Peter 3:3-4, “Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” 

Meditate on true beauty. – Proverbs 31:30, 1 Peter 3:1-7 

Take a Deeper Look: List five internal virtues (i.e., patience, self-sacrifice, compassion, etc.) you believe are important in a potential spouse. 

 2. I understand true physical intimacy is born out of true emotional intimacy. 

Physical intimacy is private, sacred, and singular. It is a physical expression of emotional and spiritual oneness. Being able to open your heart as well as receive another’s heart is important to physical intimacy and a healthy marriage.  

Proverbs 31:11, “The heart of her husband (his wife) doth safely trust in her (him)…” 

Meditate on the trust demonstrated between the sheep and the Shepherd. – John 10:1-5 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Triangular Model of Love” article. 

 3. I am ready to love my spouse biblically.

When facing the marriage decision, we must consider whether we are committed to developing love for a spouse. One must be committed to love both romantically and in a self-sacrificing way. The Christian command to love self-sacrificially becomes even more important, and often challenging, in marriage. Romantic love is also very important in marriage. It grows and develops over time in different ways for different people. It takes effort and intention to learn how to express romantic love in a way our spouse can feel it. 

Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” 

Titus 2:4, “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,” 

Meditate on the attributes of true biblical love. – 1 Corinthians 13 

Take a Deeper Look: List the attributes of biblical love described in 1 Corinthians 13. Give examples as to how they are evident in your life currently. 

 

THE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL LEAVES US UNCOMFORTABLY VULNERABLE

1. I am surrendered to the potential outcome of a marriage proposal.

One of the most difficult aspects of a marriage decision is that even though individuals strive for surrender and submission to the Lord in such a weighty matter, it still ends with a decision which two people must agree upon. There are times when despite each individual’s best efforts to surrender and align to God in this matter, two wills still do not align, and disappointment occurs. True surrender allows someone to be open to the response no matter what it might be and turns such disappointments into growth opportunities, not seeds for bitterness. It is important to remember we are accountable for our own actions, not the actions or decisions of another. 

I Corinthians 7:39 “…she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” 

Meditate on God’s sovereignty and our call to trust in him. – Psalms 84:11-12, Romans 8:18-39 

Take a Deeper Look: View resources on Unmet Expectations.  

 

Specific Questions for Men

1. I am actively pursuing to grow as a spiritual leader.  

Men considering marriage need to be willing and ready to assume the role of a spiritual servant-leader who will watch for and guide the course of the family. This includes being the spiritual “pace-setter” for the family and loving in a self-sacrificing way that does what is necessary to make a wife and children feel nourished and cherished. 

Ephesians 5:25-30, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.” 

Meditate on the Christ-like pattern of being a husband. – Ephesians 5:21-33 

Take a Deeper Look: Watch the “Biblical Roles of Men & Women in Marriage” webinar. 

 2. I am willing to learn about and be sensitive to the needs of a wife.

Men considering marriage need to be intentional about learning to understand the physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual needs of a wife. Women are designed by God differently than men but are to be valued equally. This concept is important to remember in the marriage relationship. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” 

Meditate on the sensitive care of God our Father. – Psalm 23, 103, 112 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Love Languages & Gender Differences” article. 

 3. I am handling my finances using principles of biblical financial stewardship and have a sound plan for how I can provide materially for a spouse.

Men who are considering marriage should reflect whether they are able to financially provide for a wife and children. While it is important to not be materialistically focused, a potential husband should have a reasonable plan and ability to provide for his family. 

1 Timothy 5:8, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” 

Meditate on the need to take on responsibilities in the appropriate time. – Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Money Matters” article. 

 

Specific Questions for Women 

1. I am willing to respect my husband and yield to his spiritual leadership.  

Women considering marriage need to consider whether they are willing to be submissive to and respect a husband. They must be willing and ready to assume the role of a wife that is a helper who is suitable (i.e., “help meet” – Genesis 2:18) to respect and encourage her husband. 

1 Peter 3:4-6, “But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” 

Meditate on Christ’s submission to the Father. – John 17 

Take a Deeper Look: Watch the “Biblical Roles of Men & Women in Marriage” webinar. 

 2. I am willing to learn about and be sensitive to the needs of a husband.

Women considering marriage need to be intentional about learning to understand the physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual needs of a husband. Men are designed by God differently than women but are to be valued equally. This concept is important to remember in the marriage relationship.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” 

Meditate on the sensitive care of God our Father. – Psalm 23, 103, 112 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Love Languages & Gender Differences” article. 

 3. I am willing to help provide for the family by contributing what I am able without neglecting the family. 

The burden of responsibility for provision often falls on the husband. In these cases, being thankful and supporting this effort will communicate love and respect to your husband. There are exceptions to these circumstances, but, in all cases, healthy communication concerning financial matters is key to a healthy marriage. 

Proverbs 31:27, “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.” 

Meditate on the respectful initiative of a godly wife. – Proverbs 31 

Take a Deeper Look: Read the “Money Matters” article. 

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For Further Information:

Biblical Decision Making Personal Survey

 

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