Parenting The “Easy” Child Podcast

She wants them to know that her behavior is not her identity. It has become her identity. She is the good child, right? Because she doesn’t do what her older sibling does. So, there’s this tangle and identity being wrapped up into a product of her performance.  

Welcome everyone to Breaking Bread, the podcast brought to you by Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services. Excellent to have you along. Craig Stickling is here in the studio with me. Great to have you here, Craig. Good to be here, Matt. Whenever we talk, Craig, adolescents, young people, parenting, that’s at the intersection of our conversation, very near to what you do. As parents, we all can identify some children are difficult and have challenges. That doesn’t mean they’re bad. Necessarily. It could be because they’re bad, but it could be because they have extra challenges. And then there’s other children that are easy and oh, we’re so delighted with easy children. Right? And that’s part of the problem that you want to raise here today. 

Yeah. So anyway. How do we look at supporting this easy child or the child who feels like they need to be perfect in the home because there’s so many other things that are going on. You’ve just tipped your hat a little bit to, I think, what we’re going to hear in this podcast, Craig, because at first blush, I don’t need help with the easy child. That one’s going fine. Please do tell me about the challenging one. That’s not what today is about. Because, in your view, the easy child needs attention. And if we don’t give that attention, there can be problems with that. Am I right? Yeah, absolutely. To pour into who they are and to recognize that they have needs just like we do. 

And how to speak into that from a mom and dad lens. Okay, so I’d like to pontificate a little bit here, Craig. What makes for an easy child? I’d love to hear your assessment of that. Pick that apart a little bit. Yeah. Well, I laugh and if we’re a parent and we’ve had an easy child, we like to say, well, yeah, I know what made an easy child, right? Mom and Dad, we get to pat ourselves on the back and be like, yeah, that’s, wow, look what we were able to accomplish. And, yet some kids maybe come from… And just therein lies some of the struggle when we over personalize it. Yeah.   

You know, what about the child who comes from a very dysfunctional setting, and yet they still turn out to be an easy child. They still do what is right, and so then you look at resilience. So, does resilience make an easy child? The ability to respond to hard things. Why do some kids do that? Why are some kids able to respond differently to hardships or trauma or struggle? Yeah. I see that. That’s fascinating. I think another one is people pleasing. Some people tend towards pleasing people. Yeah. And they tend to be agreeable and easy children. And I want to keep peace here and I want mom and dad to be happy with me. And, that might be a track towards being an easy child. 

Well, just the word easy makes it about how does this benefit me as a parent if my child’s easy then that means I don’t necessarily have to do or be as totally engaged in that sense, right? So easy is really a reflection of not maybe necessarily their character in nature, but just helping me on the end as a parent. 

Oh, that helps me out so much. And we really want to not just see an easy child as, okay, there we are. We’re doing well, right? And so, we’re done, the facade is good and they’re easy. And so that’s the outside automatically assumes that the inside is also as easy and doing well and we can assume that. 

We cannot assume that with these kids. And so, this all kind of came to a head or this came to your awareness through an interaction you had with a young lady. It’s cool. Yeah, in my work as a junior high counselor, this young lady had come to me and she came in and she just said, hey, I wrote a letter and I’d like to read it to you. 

And I said, yeah, absolutely. And, she came in and, nice girl, mom and dad, part of a church, and very active in some of the ministry outreaches, and she has an older sibling, and she said, this paper, she says, is written on how to be the perfect daughter. And I was like, wow, share away. And so, this is what she wrote on her list. 

She said, to be the perfect daughter, you need to be smart, you need to be pretty, you need to obey, you need to be nice, you need to dress well, be quiet. Always be happy. If you are depressed, hide it. Cry in private. Never tell anyone about your feelings. Be perfect. Never cause problems. Be organized. And if you have problems, deal with them yourself. 

Wow. And that was quite a list to start off my day from this young student. That’s a powerful list and you can almost sense I’m guessing the sense of what she wrote is those were very, very oppressive, very burdensome, requiring a lot of responsibility. 

Perhaps she felt like she was under the weight of those things. Is that a fair assessment? Yeah. And then she shared more. She has an older sister, a lot of difficulties with making good choices and decisions, kind of challenged mom and dad on every angle, every lens and so you have this lightning rod of the older child right now And then we have this student and it was interesting. 

She had great insight and she goes, I see how much mom and dad spend with the older sister and she goes and I see how much it wears them out how much they’re hurting and how much they’re just tired and she goes, I don’t want to add to their stress. And then she goes on and says they’re so worn out and then they’re always saying well, we’re so glad we even have at least one of our kids who does good. 

She’s our good kid and we’re so glad we have at least one of our daughters who is good. And they would share that with her. But then this girl says, now I have pressure on me. I feel the pressure that I can never have an issue. What do we as listeners of this need to be hearing? Yeah. And what should we be thinking about? 

Right. I think it’s a great reminder to the reality, the dynamics of families, the dynamics of family systems, how sometimes in the roles and even birth order and who’s when and where and the different type of strengths and personalities that our kids have, they all bring that into the mix into our home, right? 

And what do you hear, this student, what do you hear is the burden of her heart that she would probably want her parents to know? She wants them to know that she is also real. She wants them to know that her behavior is not her identity. It has become her identity. She is the good child, right? 

Because she doesn’t do what older sibling does. So, there’s this tangle in identity being wrapped up into a product of her performance. And that’s kind of pushed her into this perfection mindset. I can never have a bad day. I can never be off. That was some of the things that she listed in her book. 

She has to keep things to herself. Yeah, because I don’t want mom and dad to have to deal with extra things. So, she’s aware of that piece. Craig, why do we as parents do this, and what do we need to be listening to in this letter? Yeah, I think it really kind of taps to our heart of, am I a good parent? 

My kids have turned out good. So, therefore. I’m a good parent. So, it’s a self-evaluation? Yeah. And so, then what’s the opposite of that? If we don’t have a balanced perspective, then if I have a kid who struggles, then it’s sometimes easy to say, well, I wonder if people think I’m a bad parent now because my kid has these issues or struggles or challenges. 

So, this young lady really understands that her parents self-reflect and evaluate themselves based on her. Yeah. She’s their high mark. Yeah. And if she were to fail in any way that would be made known, then that would hurt them in the process. Yeah. And so, she’s resistant. Yeah. And what’s interesting, Matt, is that they shared that often with her. 

We’re so thankful for you that you are the good child that you do not act like your sister, and it was just interesting how she was interpreting that how she was internalizing that. Yeah, from your professional perspective, Craig, I would love to know what’s most concerning about the situation that this young adolescent is in. 

Well, my heart goes out to moms and dads who are hurting, who are struggling with one of those children. And sometimes we think bad in the sense of they’re just stealing and breaking and ruining things. And, sometimes that is a piece, but there’s more to it than that isn’t there? There can be health issues or mental health issues, or just sometimes struggles and at homes and environments that impact all of this. 

And so, the concerning piece that really spoke to me in this one here is what this young lady shared with me when I asked about, well, talk to your mom and dad about that. And she was like, well, we go to church. And so, she says, they know what to say to me because they say, honey, I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I know you’re hurting. You just need to go to God. Just go and pray and pour out to God and God will help you in the struggle that you have and this challenge that you have.  

And what was so interesting is that she goes, I know that God can help me. She goes, I know that, but she goes, I want my mom and dad to help me. I want your presence. I want your closeness to me. I want you to know that you see me, that you see where I am at. I know that you are connecting with me and that you hear me where I am at. I don’t think she was feeling that or getting that. So, what’s most disconcerting is that gap, that disconnect between she and her parents, almost in self-preservation, perhaps for the parents to say, we can’t bend the bandwidth on the matter that’s concerning you because perhaps we’ve got depleted resources.  

Yeah. And that’s difficult for her to process. Right. And, yet you look at it from a mom and dad lens, and actually it’s kind of like, hey, and I have to just get through the day and do the best I can today. And you look at the child who’s having all these struggles and challenges and all the work and effort that you have to put into that child. And then you have this child who’s like, I’m just, whatever, her issue of today and you’re like, oh, that’s nothing so I can just say, hey, pray to God. He loves you. And that’s like, I get to pat my parenting back and she gets good advice.  

Okay, so that’s helpful. Maybe there’s a minimization of the matters that’s concerning her because they are put in perspective or put in comparatively to the matters of other systems in the family. Yeah. 

I think in the struggle, sometimes when there’s an outlier who is causing so much attention with so many other things that they’re the things that they do well every day, responsibility for themselves, getting themselves to school and studying to get good grades or having a job or helping with the home, all of those things, which are very, very vital and needed in a home almost kind of become important an expectation, because we have so much other attention we have to put here that when this good child is doing these good things, it’s almost like it gets lost. Yeah, there’s immense pressure, isn’t there? She’s feeling that pressure. Yeah. Something that comes to me as you explain that, Craig, she’s really asked to be not a child. Isn’t she?  

Yeah. It seems like there’s a role that she’s not allowed to be in, and in particular the role that she is, and that is a child. Perhaps we’re asking this child to be another parent, parent number three, we’re asking this child to be independent when she’s not independent. We’re asking of this child to be what we wouldn’t necessarily expect or call on our children to be when they’re children. 

Yeah. What risk do we run, Craig, as parents, if we continue to operate in our families like this? What, um, perhaps, calamity are we moving towards? Uh, paint that space. Yeah. Well, let’s go, let’s go vertical first, and with the relationship with God, and then we’ll go horizontal with relationships here on Earth. 

Vertically, When a child who doesn’t feel presence from their mom and dad, I don’t know if my mom and dad notice me. I don’t know, you know, this is Wednesday already and they even haven’t asked me once. Hey, how’s your day going? How have you been? And so I get like, almost become invisible. And sometimes some kids then… 

So, I think there’s a vertical trust piece that can sometimes filter out of this. So, there’s a God image risk, right? Yeah. On how that young person is going to understand their Heavenly Father. My mom and dad don’t even see me or notice me. Then where’s God at? So I think there’s that does God evaluate my goodness? And is that all that he looks at? Am I in his good graces because I haven’t fallen apart Can I fall apart? Yeah, that’s got to be impactful. Does God love me for who I am or does he love me because I don’t cause any issues or problems in the home? Is that my now my standard for God’s care for me love for me as if I’m doing this set? So, it adds to that other piece.  

Let’s go now horizontal. The child in this thing often goes silent, often goes into quiet mode, right? They’re not getting extra attention. They’re not looking for that because they already know mom and dad are tired and worn out and stressed and they don’t want to add to that. 

So, they become more independent. And for some, that’s a step of strong independence, but for most, it’s a step of almost reclusion, of isolating. They kind of shut down. They go inward, kind of like what this girl said, to cry in private. Never tell anyone your problems. And so, they kind of go internal. 

They don’t ever feel like they can reach out with to other people when they have issues or struggles and then that becomes a template for how they handle future stress or challenges or relationships, they just stay internal and they try to figure out, I got to do this all on my own. And that’s a huge red flag in your mind. 

Yeah, it’s huge in that sense. We’re made for community. We’re made to be able to share, share our burdens and to bear one another’s burdens. If we don’t ever bear a burden, then how can we share a burden? And this child kind of learns my burdens aren’t worth sharing because there’s so much other stuff at play or my burdens aren’t that big. So, I’m not going to share them, and they learn to minimize their own unique journey and heat and need for help and for healing too. I’d love to hear your advice for the parents.  

A short acronym that I love using, Matt, is just the three letters, A C T, right, ACT, and it’s a good reminder of action and to stepping into things. 

And so just walking through that for mom and dads, the first one A is just to acknowledge, to be able to have an open conversation with our child and to acknowledge to them that mom and dad see the struggles, the challenges, what’s going on in the home with the other sibling, or whatever else is in play, the situations, the scenarios, that they acknowledge the reality of that with their child. To acknowledge the sacrifices. I know that you have had to sacrifice things in our home and situation and to acknowledge that with our child. So that’s the first one.  

I hear intentionality with that and expressing this to our children, giving them permission perhaps to be imperfect. Would that be a part of it to say, we do not expect perfection. Yeah. And I love how that builds a bond of trust, right? This isn’t a blame session. This isn’t make excuses. This isn’t, oh, I’m such a terrible parent, please forgive me session. It’s acknowledging that in reality things are going to be hard, but I want you to know my dear son, my dear daughter, I want you to know that I see you and I see what you do. 

So that’s A. C, the next one is care, in moving to the, okay, what’s the day to day look like? We listen, we create that format to listen. I want to hear, tell me about your week, tell me about your day. I want to hear, how did it go? So, I take that intentional step. Um, I don’t get into minimizing or trying to fix and that. I just want to say, I am here to listen to you, to care enough to say, how has this situation impacted you? How has it made it hard to maybe love your brother or sister, right? So, to care about where they’re feeling, how they’re processing, how they’re handling that, to care enough to say, we want to stay connected. 

How can we do that? How can mom and dad stay connected? So, then we step into that and be willing to be open to be teachable to say to listen to what would work for them as we intentionally look at how we can help them as they go through this. T. Yes. So, looking at the last one, to tell. So, we have acknowledge and we have care and then to tell. 

And this is beautiful because it’s so simple. We just get to tell them how much we love them. Getting back to that intention on us to tell them how much we love them. It’s interesting how even in Satan’s desire to accuse and lie, even some kids can wonder if I’m loved and to tell them that God loves them, right? 

And to step into that and God’s love is not about everything going fine. We can get tangled in that, but to extend that picture of who God is and that he loves them greatly. And probably it’s important to separate in that telling, Craig, that we love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are and to provide healthy separation between those things. Yeah, that’s a beautiful reminder. There’s a piece in the telling that is an opportunity for moms and dads to step in and let them know that they’re aware and that they’re going to be more intentional in their support of this child and that’s that open door. 

I’m going to not just say, hey, come to me. I’m going to do a check in. Maybe I’ll send an email or text or we’ll, we’ll sit by the bed every Thursday night and just do the, hey, I’m just checking in. How are you doing this week? Let’s do a little review of the home. How did it go this week? How did it impact you? 

So, I’m going to tell them that I am going to be as mom and dad, that we are going to be stepping into their heart and I’m going to parent you. Because you are a child, a young person. It gets back to one of the things that she said that just really stuck in my head when she was like, yes I know I can pray, I know I can read the Bible, I know I can go to God for help, but I just want my mom and dad. I just want my mom and dad to help me. 

Yeah. Which was just an interesting reminder, right? She could do it on her own. She was doing it on her own, but she didn’t want to be alone. But I want to be a child. Yeah. Nice. You know, Craig, you’ve no doubt seen this play out in life as I have. Some children who are easy at one stage in life become difficult in other stages of life. 

For many reasons. I mean, I’m not saying that necessarily these are egregious things, but I’m just saying there’s sometimes roles change. And as parents, sometimes it’s hard to have that long perspective that I’m caring for my children. And none of them have arrived, nor have I, but none of them are complete. 

But I think sometimes we can as parents, have some closure and say, all right, this one’s turned out. Now let’s throw our forces at this one here. Yeah. Because more attention needs to be given. Yeah. Well, that other one hasn’t arrived. Anyway, I love your perspective on just the long slog of parenting and how do we. 

And now we pause for a moment, don’t we, Matt? And if mom and dad are listening to this, we now hear this long collective sigh of like, oh, it’s a great reminder to the journey of parenting and the seasons of parenting. And some are very heavy on certain things. And the reminder of that we won’t always be in heavy parent mode. 

And that we get to have an opportunity to care and to love and to influence for as the Lord gives us a life. And so, it’s a long journey and that can be encouraging as well. Maybe this is a hard season and it thinks like it will always be, but to be like, no, we like to put periods at the end of the sentence, right? 

Where God says, no, this is a comma. I’m still working on this child with you and to be encouraged in that the moms and dads can be encouraged. Thanks, Craig, for that encouragement and the insight that this whole podcast brings. I think that it does provide help and hope and good instruction for all of us parents. 

Thanks for being on. Thanks each one for listening in today. Have a good day.