How to be a Christian Mentor

Staying Strong, Staying Steady, Ending Well

Mentoring is one of the most meaningful ways we care for one another in the church. It can also be easy to overthink. What do I do in the first meeting? What do we do in the weeks after that? How do I bring mentoring to a close without awkwardness or hurt feelings? You do not need to be a professional counselor to be a helpful mentor. It is, however, helpful to have a simple plan, a steady presence, and the humility to ask for help when something is beyond your role. 

The Heart of Christian Mentoring 

A common mistake new mentors make is feeling pressure to “have the answer.” Mentoring rarely goes well when we lead with a fix-it mentality. A healthier posture is to show up, stay curious, and help the person take one realistic next step at a time. The goal is not to solve someone’s life in one meeting. Often the goal of the first meeting is simply to make it easy and natural to have a second meeting. 

The First Session 

The first meeting sets the tone, so start with a little structure. This could include how often to meet, how long each get-together could last, and what method you will use to touch base (text, calls, only in-person, etc.). It is also important to gently remind your mentee you will honor confidentiality while not promising secrecy if there is risk of harm, danger, or abuse. 

Then invite their story. Asking a few open-ended questions is a great way to start. Questions such as:  

• “What led you to ask for mentoring right now?” 
• “What has been hard lately?” 
• “What are you hoping could be different in a few months?”  

As they talk, listen for emotions, goals, and the meaning they are attaching to events or circumstances. Before you close, and if appropriate for your clarification, compassionately reflect what you heard. This allows them to correct any miscommunications and helps you express empathy for what they’re experiencing. Statements to reflect and summarize include: 

• “What I am hearing you say is _________________.” 
• “So right now life looks like ______________________.”  

Consider choosing one small, next step together and close with prayer and encouragement. 

The Middle Meetings 

Most mentoring relationships drift in the middle when meetings become unstructured. A repeatable rhythm helps. Many mentors find this basic flow works well: 

• Reconnect: “How has your week been?” 
• Review: What did we talk about last time, and how did the next step go? 
• Explore: What matters most today? 
• Focus: Choose one main thing to address in this meeting. 
• Next step: Agree on one small step to take before you meet again. 
• Close: Pray together and confirm the next meeting. 

To keep continuity, it can help to jot down two quick lines after each meeting. You are not creating a file on someone. You are simply keeping your place so you can follow up well next time: 

• Today’s focus: __________ 
• Next step before we meet again: __________ 

Keeping Mentoring Healthy When It Gets Hard 

Mentoring gets heavy when the mentor carries everything. Instead, name a simple shared responsibility early. You might say, “I want this to be helpful, not overly heavy. Let’s both do our part so we can keep it healthy.” The mentee’s part is to show up, be honest, and attempt the next step you agree on. The mentor’s part is to listen carefully, offer encouragement and truth in love, and keep appropriate boundaries. 

When mentoring gets stuck, respond with clarity and kindness. If meetings turn into venting with no movement, ask, “What do you want to grow in right now?” Then shrink the next step until it feels doable. If follow-through is consistently missing, ask, “What is getting in the way?” and then, “Do you want to continue right now, or should we pause and revisit later?” Small assignments should not be considered tests. They simply create clarity and provide accountability. 

Also know when mentoring is not enough. If there is severe depression or anxiety, trauma, addiction, abuse, or risk of harm, involve appropriate leadership and professional support. 

Ending a Mentoring Relationship Well 

Many mentors avoid closure because they do not want to hurt someone, yet clear, kind closure is often a gift. Mentoring may end because objectives have been met, a planned timeframe is complete, life circumstances change, a referral is needed, or the fit is just not right. 

If you can have a final meeting, a few questions help you end well: 

• Why are we ending or changing this mentoring season? 
• What has been most beneficial? 
• Where have you seen growth? 
• What support would help you next? 
• What should our relationship look like going forward? 
• How can I pray for you as we close? 

Final Thoughts on Mentoring 

Mentoring is not about having perfect words. It is about consistent love, healthy boundaries, and helping someone take the next faithful step in following Jesus. ACCFS exists to equip and strengthen the local church in care, mentoring, and counseling support. If you feel unsure, especially when something is complex, reach out for support. Mentors are not meant to carry complex cares and worries alone. 

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For Further Information

Keys to a Good First Session Webinar [ACCFS]
By Christ’s power, we can mentor and disciple others. Wonderfully, the skills to do so are not as lofty as we might imagine. First, we have a mindset of hope and love. Then we apply the skills of questioning and listening. This mindset and skillset will allow us to answer our mentee’s most pressing question – “Are you willing to connect with me in relationship?”

Mentoring Closure Webinar [ACCFS]
The mentoring relationship comes to an end in a variety of ways. Sometimes it is anticipated. Sometimes it comes as a surprise. Sometimes it’s favorable and sometimes it’s not. Whatever the reason for closure, we can be sure God will continue to love our mentees and seek out their best interest in the future. In this webinar, we examine reasons why a mentoring relationship might need to transition as well as healthy ways to help navigate this transition.

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