Bullying: Building Resiliency in our Children

“Be kind and tenderhearted” is a beautiful message from the gospel in Ephesians 4. But what happens when kindness is corrupted? People can be bitter, mad, angry, noisy, saying mean things. In the absence of that kind and tender heart, it opens the way for people to become or act mean. In today’s culture we have put a label on those actions and call it bullying. So, what is bullying?

To temper the topic for a moment, some advocates believe that we have overused the words bully and victim, and thus have rendered them meaningless. If someone is physically assaulting, stealing, intimidating/coercing then that is not bullying – it is breaking the law and antisocial behavior. Those actions should be reported and responded to immediately.

Most experts agree on the definition of bullying as ongoing aggressive behavior intended to cause harm or distress in a relationship where there is an imbalance of power, physical or otherwise. While this definition is not perfect and there may be exceptions, bullying is “as old as sin” and can occur at any stage of life. However, bullying is particularly common — and destructive — during childhood and adolescence. These behaviors show up in various forms:

• Verbal: Insults, name-calling, racial or ethnic slurs. Verbal behaviors are experienced equally by boys and girls and represent the most common form of bullying.
• Physical: Hitting, kicking, shoving or other direct bodily injury, as well as destroying, stealing or damaging others’ property.
• Social: Spreading gossip and rumors (often sexually related), exclusion or outright isolation. These are more common forms of bullying among girls.
• Electronic: “Cyberbullying” on the internet or through other electronic devices such as text messaging or social media on cell phones.

Why do these behaviors tend to occur in life – in schools, businesses, neighborhoods, social media, online venues, and even our own homes? Resilience educator and Psychologist Brooks Gibbs shared these 3 reasons he believes bullying occurs during the school-aged years:

• Joking: When I make a joke, it’s always at someone’s expense. Humor is very aggressive and when we make fun of each other, sometimes we go too far and end up seeing someone get hurt emotionally. It becomes competitive…one up. Game on! Another spin on this is banter…starts small and entertaining, ends big and crashing.
• Hurting: Maybe someone is hurt by something I said or did. If this happens, they might show signs of anger, hatred, or desire for revenge. Drama lives in this world.
• Control: Some people are mean to me because they want to see me get upset. They get a satisfaction of evoking out of me a negative reaction. So, they call me names, exclude me from groups, talk bad about me to others, or give me a push or a shove in hopes that I’ll fight back. This type of aggression is all about maintaining psychological power over me.

What are some things parents and young people can do in this area of bullying? Focus on the Family and StopBullying US Dept. of Human Services remind us of a great place to start:

1. As parents, we can build relationships with our children, spend time with them, learn to talk about the little and big things with them, and model empathy and care for yourself and others. Build their capacity to find their strengths and things they are good at, and that they can be resilient and navigate hard times and hard people.
2. Help our kids understand bullying. Share the above reasons that Brooks Gibbs teaches on. Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely resist bullying behavior and how to get help.
   • Ask specific questions of what does bullying look like in their school, class, or circle of friends. What does mean behavior look like to you? What kids are often picked on? Why? What type of kids do the mean stuff? Why do you think they do? Does it happen to you, or your friends? How do you handle it?
   • Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. Adults can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
   • Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor in certain occasions and saying “stop” directly and confidently in others. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away.
   • Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
3. Most students will fit into the bystander role – they are not being picked on or doing the picking on. We can support and encourage them and show them wise ways to respond to kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help. This may, at times, be more direct like stepping in to tell certain students to stop their mean behavior. Other times it comes afterwards by connecting with that kid, showing kindness, letting them know they are sorry it happened, helping them talk to an adult if they can, or hanging out with them if needed.

Relationships, friendships, and getting along with others are all skills we learn and practice for most of our lives. The challenge of bullying is not new and how to respond to it is not easy. With some intentional mindsets, we can help our children navigate through these times and find ways to build resilience as they learn to care for others in a kind, gospel-honoring way.

To view the PDF, click here.

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For Further Information

Focus on the Family

• A Practical Approach to Bullies
• Bullying and Cyberbullying
• The Bullying Breakthrough: Real Help for Parents and Teachers of the Bullied, Bystanders, and Bullies

US Department of Human Services
A website from the US Dept of Human Services that offers lots of materials on bullying, cyberbullying, prevention, and resources. It provides a wealth of user-friendly information for parents, students, and educators. There is a section for kids in which they can learn about bullying by watching videos, reading along, and taking quizzes.

The Cybersmile Foundation
The Cybersmile Foundation is a nonprofit organization committed to digital wellbeing and tackling all forms of bullying and abuse online. Their goal is to promote kindness, diversity and inclusion by building a safer, more positive digital community through Awareness, Education and Support. Many solid educational supports, resources, videos, testimonials for the pre-teen and up.

• Parents – Cybersmile

Brooks Gibbs: Resilience educator, author, psychologist.
Brooks Gibbs is a resilience educator with a PhD in Social Psychology. He specializes in teaching youth how to be emotionally resilient and inspires them to live by the Golden Rule. Advocates for strengthening youth and minimizes labels of bully and victim.

• About Brooks Gibbs
• Videos

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