Family Time Podcast Episodes

In the studio today, I’ve got Brian Sutter and Craig Stickling. Welcome again, guys. Hey, thanks. Always good to be with you, Matt. And as you know, whenever I have these two brothers in, the topic typically is parenting, and so we’re looking forward to the conversation here today, which is going to have to do with family time.

Yeah, I think it does take intentionality when your budget of how much time you get is only got 24 hours, and that can go a lot of different directions, and you do have to be intentional to have some family time in there. You know, kids just want to be around their mom or dad. And there’s times when they get maybe a little bit older that maybe that doesn’t seem that way, but they really just want to be around us.

And so, looking at that time from a broader lens of not necessarily a planned event activity, but really how to make use of the time that we do have together just in the normal day to day life. Particularly as children get older and move into that teen stage, they may not want a lot of time with us, but as parents, if we’re not intentional about having time with them, we’re going to miss opportunities when they may be willing to give us more than two words.

And so, it requires parents to be available. Really, when you look at all the research and the surveys, one of the biggest concerns of adolescents and of teens is that they don’t have enough time with their mom and dad. And so, they’re really looking for us to pour into them either in proximity or in intentional things, but it’s encouraging that, wow, they really do want to be around us, even though maybe they’re not exactly showing that.

And from that perspective, it’s just good for parents to know that your children need you. That it’s an important role God’s blessed you with, and that they do need you, and they need you to speak into their lives and that’s across the board there, young to old, and that should encourage us as parents.

So, what does that time look like? I think that’s going to look different from one family to the next. It’s going to vary from person to person for sure. I think it’s also good to see time from a different perspective than just the clock but also be able to look at what we do as a family, what our mom and dad value, what we prioritize.

Those are all teaching to our kids as well. And we may not necessarily have made that intentional as time, but we’re also teaching our kids a lesson, like the Deuteronomy verse talks about, and that is encompassed into this area of time with our kids. So, it could look like recreation, but it doesn’t have to be recreation.

Absolutely. Yeah. And that’s where even a lot of research would say, and people know this, but just time around the supper table is very beneficial for families. It’s hard to fight for that, but it’s beneficial. And that’s not an activity, but just sitting next to each other, even if there’s not a lot of communication or a lot of meaningful things going around there, just being around the table together is something important and valuable.

We were blessed with some of that time, especially as our kids were young, to really value that time. It evolved as our kids were little and then as they started to get into adolescence and then even into high school, what that time around the supper table looked like, but we just wanted to make it a time that was fun.

We got to tell stories. We got to talk about our day. We got to share different things that we were looking forward to or that had happened, and we really captured that time to be able to be with each other. Did each supper time look different or was there a little bit of routine with that?

We tried to build into that time obviously the meal and the sharing of the meal, but then to have some intentional conversation. And we talked about your day, and sometimes we modeled that first. Mom and dad talked about their day. Hey, here’s what I did. And then we would go around and ask the kids something about their day.

What did that look like? Yeah, and I think those are some great ideas, and not that they have to be all the time every time, but to build into the family unit these traditions that you guys do together, whether it’s sharing around the supper table what you did, or the highs and lows, or Saturday afternoon ice cream or whatever those things are that we know we’re going to do together and just a fun time that when your child is 25, 30 and they’re going to think about when I grew up, this is something that was just part of our family fabric and what we did together.

Well, Brian, you mentioned tradition and I think there is a place for tradition within families. I don’t think it’s uncommon for families to have traditions and for everybody to really like those traditions and sometimes they can be really goofy. So, speak a little bit more on that concept of tradition. An example in my family growing up is Sunday afternoon getting the Stir Crazy out, popping popcorn in a unique special way.

And then just sitting around in the living room talking, doing whatever. That was just one of the things that we would commonly do on a Saturday afternoon that became just fun and expected, and everybody enjoyed it. Yeah. Taking advantage of the evening time after supper and going outside and maybe it was, chasing after fireflies or maybe just trying to throw the ball around or the Frisbee around or ride the bikes, but having something that we wanted to do together, time to be able to connect with our kids.

And the beauty is that they don’t have to be big or planned, but just for a child to be very simple. They just love to be able to be around us. And I think with that too, even for moms and dads to feel free to invite children into their worlds. So, maybe the dad isn’t able to be home for supper, but maybe their five-year-old boy could come ride in the tractor with him.

And that could be a family tradition or family time with that particular child grows memories and connection and experiences together. Yeah. I know in a season of our life where the busyness seemed to grow there was a time that I tried with my daughters on a Saturday a month to say, we’re going to go out for breakfast.

And they got to pick the place, and we would go out for breakfast. And this was just my chance to catch up with their week or their friends or how things were going with them. And it didn’t happen always as much as I would have liked, but it was something that was a tradition to them that they would think about, wow, we get to do breakfast with dad.

And they look forward to that and they’re in their twenties. And you know what, we still have breakfast on Saturdays from time to time, so that’s something that’s been able to continue. And you build in those moments, you can build some experiences that you share with that child. And I have found in those experiences that you stumble upon, you don’t really try to create them, but maybe you have an experience with a child and then they have that in with you.

Yeah. And there’s something special about that. No doubt. It’s neat to see sometimes like at Menards, you’ll see the dad and he’s walking through the store, and he’s got his three little kids behind him and they’re holding things and carrying things. And I know sometimes that’s a disaster and it takes an hour to do what could have taken 15 minutes.

But for that moment, those kids were with dad, and they were accomplishing something. And that’s a beautiful piece of using time to do things that we need to get done but bringing our kids into that world. And you’re doubling up then, right? Running those errands, I think, is a great example.

But you’re right, you have to adopt the fact that this is a value to have the youngsters along and get something done in the meantime. Hopefully. Yeah. And I think most moms are pretty happy anytime dad takes the kids out to the store for a couple hours. That’s a win-win. Yeah. And I think to that point, sometimes family time doesn’t mean every person of the family is there. It can be dad and the kids; it can be mom and the kids or so on and so forth.

But just taking advantage of those opportunities. Just this past week, we were getting ready for a party and my wife let our two oldest kids help cut out watermelon in the shape of stars. And I was just thinking the whole time, this is ridiculous. Like, let’s get this done and move on to the next project.

But if you can just step back. Enjoy that. It’s a fun family time together if dad can keep his cool. What are some of the residuals that happen because of family time? Maybe they’re on our radar. Maybe they’re like, we want this to happen. Perhaps there’s some things that are a byproduct that we didn’t even realize was happening.

Yeah, what a great thing to think through and just the reality as a 5-year-old or a 15-year-old or, or whatever. Watch as mom sorts through a situation that has come on her radar, what they’re learning about God, what they’re learning about what’s important to mom and theology and their biblical beliefs come into action in a very real way.

And a child, whether 5 or 15, gets to see what it looks like believing in Christ. How does that affect mom in this situation? Going back to the Deuteronomy verse early talks about that picture of loving the Lord thy God with all thy heart. That is reflected in a Christian’s day to day walk, not just on Sundays, but in a day to day walk, and for our children to be able to observe how we spend our time, how we allocate our time to certain things, really speaks to the truth of that verse.

Yeah, and that can go for the conversation around the supper table, or what they decide to buy in the grocery store, or whatever. You know, those small moments when the family’s together is very impactful in a child’s young heart as they think about what it means to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind.

And they get to see what that actually looks like. One thing that I am seeing more and more families do is service projects together. It might be a mission trip big deal or something smaller scale. But there’s a really important mind shift going on there that seems to have a great deal of value.

Yeah, another great example of a family tradition might be, in the fall we help rake the neighbor’s leaves or like you’re saying on a bigger scale going on a trip together. But yeah, having this service mindset as a family and we’re going to practically live that out, whether it’s scooping snow or, you know, helping somebody across the world.

There’s a piece that sometimes I think, and maybe our upbringing is so ingrained that we don’t necessarily appreciate the profoundness of that. But that is just going to church, honoring that day. That’s a beautiful picture of time that is spent together in our own family, but also collectively with the church family.

Really what you’re providing there in that case, too, is for the kids to see mom and dad worship, which is a very special thing. And maybe they see that through the week in personal devotion time, but clearly on Sunday, I think that speaks volumes to a youngster who knows his dad’s pretty big stuff at the business or her mom’s pretty big stuff in some other sphere.

But yet on Sunday, they submit themselves to the Word of God and to fellowship. It is a pretty remarkable sight. Yeah. Or even just us going to church makes Sunday mornings pretty crazy, and Mom and Dad wouldn’t have to do that. I think those little seeds that are getting sown in those moments you don’t always think about.

There were some Sunday mornings, Brian, that we wondered, why were we doing this? Is this even worth it? Oatmeal. I’ve never been there, Craig. Yeah, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oatmeal everywhere, and it’s just sometimes a pretty chaotic moment. But what a lesson that we get to share to our kids that even in the chaos, even in the missed shoes, even in where’s this, where’s that, Sundays were still a day that we went to God’s house.

What are some things that make this difficult, that we have to overcome a little bit? I think I looked at something a while ago that said for adults ages like 25 to 55 with children, on average, they’re going to have about two hours a day where they would be able to be home and there’s no other kind of activities going on.

And I’d say that’s even being generous. But it just fills up so quick with so many tasks and things to do. You know, other research is showing that with technology and the availability of so many screens and the technology around that is that on average, kids spend eight hours a day in front of the screen.

And so that is definitely something that is vying for that already limited pocket of time. Yeah. And even if you think about the implications of that, how that maybe impacts their young hearts and brains on how they interact with people and their ability to interact with people. And that’s one of the primary calls of the gospel is that we would be fishers of men and being able to care about people and love people.

And of course that comes from the Spirit working in us. Absolutely. In having those skills as we interact with people and that can be hindered for sure. It’s a challenge. I mean, it’s a battleground out there to redeem our time. It is a battle. And obviously Satan does not want families to have time to make time to be aware of the time that’s wasted or just lost. He does not want us to have time to engage with our kids, to set aside things.

And so, our challenges, it’s not that we’re not going to be busy, but how do we stay busy with the right things? Yeah, I had an interesting conversation with a coworker back in a previous job. And he was talking about his kids and their activities and that type of thing, and he talked about their youth pastor and these other important people in his kids’ life. I’m all about having important people in your kids’ life and, and having other people speak into it, and we’ve mentioned that, but it became clear as I was listening to him that he didn’t think he really had the skill set to shape his kids.

Does that make sense? And so, he was like, I’m glad this coach is really good. And I’m glad this youth pastor is really good and all of that. And a part of me thought, I don’t know if he realized that. And I want you to answer this, but don’t the studies show that the number one influential people in a kid’s life are their parents?

Good, bad, or whatever. You know, we still are very impactful. And we don’t necessarily need to outsource. Right. I think you’re exactly right. Parents should be encouraged that there’s something unique there about that relationship that God’s put within your child’s heart, that they just love you and they care about you, and they want to be with you, even if you’re not that great.

I think even in a previous job of my own, working with children who had really been hurt, their heart was after their biological parent, even if they had made some big mistakes, they just loved mom and dad. Yeah. That should be a great encouragement to us. Right. When we kind of look in the mirror of the parental failure checklist there to say, ugh, I just don’t measure up. But then to look in the eyes of your little kid and to them, you are it. And those experiences don’t need to be extraordinary. Yeah. They’re very simple. It’s the small little things. It’s not going to Disney World or getting everybody together to go canoeing down the Mackinac.

Those are great ideas, but no, it’s just the simple, quiet moments of day-to-day life. Sadly, one of the struggles is that exchange happens in a busy culture. We get so busy that we think we have to compensate with Disney World moments. Okay? That’s the time when we get together. That one vacation a year is really where we connect and in busyness, we exchange that and that seems to be okay.

And actually, it’s in the day-to-day, as the Deuteronomy verse talked about our kids when they wake up in the morning and they come out with their blanket and pillow or at nighttime when they’re ready for their prayers or just a snuggle. It’s those moments that really allow us to speak into their hearts.

I’ve already been convicted. I have begrudgingly engaged in family time. You know what I mean? I don’t have time for this. Maybe it’s tucking a kid into bed or having prayers with him and my mind is in other places or whatever. And then something comes up later and they comment on how great it was, or they insinuate what that meant to them.

I just feel like a heel. Yeah. I just feel like, wow, I didn’t enjoy that. And anyway, it’s more of an admission not a question. But anyway. Oh, it’s so true. It’s so true. I think one of the questions that I’ve been so convicted by in the same way there, Matt, is reading an author, and he was talking about giving his young children a bath, and suddenly it struck him, like, what am I in such a hurry for? Why do I have to get this done? And whenever I think of that question at bedtime, it’s just like, okay, I really don’t have anything that important to do. I am just ready to sit down with some quiet. Oh, it’s easy to chase down my motives. It’s selfish. Yeah, that’s right.

That’s what it is every single time. Oh, so frustrating. I think it is a great encouragement for dads. Maybe we’ll just speak to dads here for a moment, we know our wives and moms have a gracious role and opportunity that gives them more proximity time around the kids, but for the dads here to be thinking about that. We know that there’s sayings of the old men on their deathbed and as they’ve had a chance to look back over their life and do they wish they could have spent another X number of Saturdays or hours at the office or in the job?

But would they say, I wish I had taken more time for my kids. And that’s something that I think each one of us gets a chance to honestly reflect on. And maybe we’re not able to free up eight hours a week. But maybe if we honestly look at our schedule and our time and say, okay, Lord, what can I give?

Maybe it just starts with a half hour a week, but if I can give a half hour, I’m going to give a half hour. Well, you know, the time is fleeting, and Craig, you can speak to this better than I can, but it doesn’t take long, and they’re halfway out of the house, and then they’re three quarters of the way out of the house, and then they’re out of the house, and it’s not uncommon to find grandpas that really engage, I’ve also noticed, and that probably comes a little bit from that.

All right. This is my next go around. I am going to engage my grandkids. So, we’re not just talking about family moms and dads here, but grandmas and grandpas really can engage in this as well. Grandparenting is a great do over. Yeah. You know what though? I used to ask my students in public school education. I used to ask them every day or at the beginning of the school year who their hero was. And the most repeated hero was Grandma and Grandpa. I just found that to be interesting. They’re able to set aside a little bit of that consuming busyness, right? And to be able to be like, when that grandkid knows Grandpa and Grandma show up, they’re for one thing. That’s them.

And boy, that just excites them, doesn’t it? But you’ll have to say no to some things if you’re going to have time for your family or your kids or your grandkids. You know, we talked about how sometimes it’s easy to point the bad finger. And yet when we look at maximizing our time and speaking into our kids, technology can be also a plus in that way.

And to think about sending a text to one of your kids. Okay, on Monday, I send a text to this one, on Tuesday I just give them a special little thought. I’m thinking about you today. I hope you have a good day. I want you to know that I love you or to reflect on something that you saw in them. And maybe our conversation we leave way too early, and we don’t get to maybe have that face to face, but technology allows us to speak into our kids in a very special way.

Yeah, and especially with social media now and all the apps, it is incumbent upon the family to figure out what’s the best mode of connection. To use it as another way I can communicate with them, and I’ll use a text today. And to be able to incorporate that into letting our child know that we are thinking of them.

Well, Craig, also what you’re saying to me right now is that I need to be thinking about what are the best ways that they connect, as opposed to coming on my terms being thoughtful about what is that venue? What does that look like for them? Yeah, for sure. And being in that realm, being willing to step into their world a bit and do what is maybe their natural mode of communication or time together, which is most likely outside of mom and dad’s comfort zone and trying to navigate that is hard, but I think you’re right, important.

You know, I think one thing that seems to be growing, and I might be wrong on this, but as I recall back my growing up, okay, basketball, for example, didn’t even come on the scene until fifth and sixth grade, junior high basketball team, right? Everybody kind of came to that first practice with their only experiences just in the front drive, right?

Now, by fifth and sixth grade, you are way behind the curve if you haven’t been playing this game way early, right? So, there are tons of things we’re participating in and it’s just a real deal. Yeah. And I’m not really trying to make a hard, fast point here. I’m just saying that seems to be the reality.

So how do we work through this as families? Rubrics and metrics that we should be thinking about when we think about activities. Yeah, well, I think the first thing maybe to start with is just realizing that there is a great deal of pressure to not only get into activities, but to get into them, you know, maybe beyond what generations before did, and that with that, there is going to be some cost.

And that’s not always to say that it’s bad, but just to realize, okay, if we’re going to invest that much there, what’s the cost going to be? What’s the benefit? What, will this be in a benefit for our child or our family? And is that cost worth that? If I have one event for one child, but what if I have each child in three events, and I have four kids, there’s twelve events that are occurring every week?

That’s a tough thing sometimes to consider. It definitely gets into this family time, doesn’t it? No question. It’s impactful. It has a significant impact, and that’s where I think asking some of these questions early on, even maybe before you jump in, can be wise. What are the benefits? What are the costs? If we do this, what is the impact on the other children? And like you said, there’s not any hard and fast rules, but it’s just important to think through. I remember reading one author and he was talking about this issue, and obviously this depends a lot on our family dynamics and even our kids’ interests, but he was pretty protective of the family time, and yet he also acknowledged to have kids in activities is a good thing as well. But he said, in his home, every kid gets to pick one thing per semester. And so, they were able to do one thing, but it wasn’t the multiples and multiples.

And sometimes that’s a challenge to do, especially with kids who have a lot of energy and a lot of talents that you’re trying to grow. But it was at least something Brian, like you talked about they talked through that and said, okay, and how do we want to approach things here?

So, a few questions that I’ve seen or heard that have been helpful for me as I thought about this topic would be, so how’s this actually going to affect family time, if we agree to do this activity or let the child do this activity? Next one would be, how much time is this actually going to take? How will it affect the child’s spirituality or their ability to participate in church activities? Another one that you may not think of is, is this something that they can do after high school? So, you might be able to play tennis after high school, your chances of playing football aren’t as great.

So, just something to think about. And then another one would be just what’s the financial commitment or investment here? Those are excellent points just to be thinking about. Because everything that we say yes to is a no to something else. And to be thoughtful about what I am saying no to as well.

And I think some of these points give us some things to think about. The family activity time as that grows, there’s a great caution that the greatest thing that we’re able to do for our kids is to allow our, our kids to see a healthy marriage and a relationship that is growing with mom and dad and as husband and wife.

That is a priority. And a caution is when so much activity takes away from even mom and dad’s time and relationship together, there’s a drain on that, that we want to make sure we’re keeping the right thing, the right thing. Because when you’ve got four different children participating in four different activities, that’s going to be a lot of time where everybody’s going in separate directions.

And if that’s what you choose to do as a family, you’re at least going to have to be very purposeful, like you’re talking about, Craig, that mom and dad do have time together so that over the course of the next 10 years, not everybody’s drifting apart as they’re spending so much time apart. It’s where I think it really calls us to be creative too, because I can totally see the value in many extracurricular activities in terms of the character qualities that a kid learns from doing them, but to take those qualities separate and say, all right, so we do want them to learn respect for authority.

We do want them to work hard. We do want them to learn commitment. Okay, so now what do I have when I package these all together? And what does that look like in a family setting? We can reach those very desirable goals in perhaps a format that is conducive to the family and develop some of those character skills that you’re talking about. We can do them; we can bring those right into our home. Or suppose families get together with some of those same objectives. How much could we create at the family level and accomplish even more of our goals? I don’t know. All I’m doing is just running with that idea of thinking a little bit about it.

Right. Looking at doing things that everybody can participate in at different age groups, yeah, absolutely. That makes a great deal of sense. And I think, too, maybe just another point here would be that it’s okay for your child to be involved in an activity but just because they’re on the slow pitch team doesn’t necessarily mean they also have to be on the travel team.

That activity doesn’t have to turn into a year-long activity. And that’s another way to think through what you’re going to commit to or not commit to. There shouldn’t necessarily be pressure that says, okay, if we do this, that means we have to do all of these other things as well. I’m not stuck in a track, per se. Yeah. You have options. We can take control of the track. Right. We don’t have to fall into some track. That’s good.

As we draw this episode to a close, I’d like to share an observation that someone shared with me. Brian, you had mentioned how family time is a great time to build healthy, proper views of God. Yeah. In the minds of our children, consider what false understanding of God we are positing when we push our children away.

When we say, I don’t have time. Sure. I don’t want to. Here, take the iPad. Yeah. I mean, if there’s one concept of God that we want to get across, we want them to understand that God wants to be with them. That’s right. Yeah. And he receives them joyfully and what a powerful thing that we have an opportunity to do in family time, but to receive.

Yeah. Wow. What a blessing. Certainly, one that’s hard, and we’re not going to do perfectly, but yeah, wow, that’s powerful. But God redeems that, I think. Yeah. He gives it a larger view of what we want to do. Oh, that’s good. Thanks a lot, brothers, for being with us, for your wonderful insights. Thanks, friends, also for being with us.

Goodbye.