Three Healthy Habits for our Children Webinar

Welcome everyone. Great to have you on to this webinar. I have Brian Sutter with me. Glad to be with you. I’m Matt Kaufman and we are talking about three healthy habits for our children. Well let’s start here. Brian, healthy habits, I think if you were to survey a bunch of people and say habit, good or bad. 

Well, this is my own gut, but we have more of a container for habits are not a good idea. Yeah. Bad. Right. But we’re going to turn that on its head for this particular presentation to make any sense. Right. Sometimes when you think of habits, almost naturally, you think of the bad habits that people get stuck in. 

What we’re trying to say is, hey, there’s another side of the coin, and if we can identify that and tap into that, I think it can be really helpful. And it is a tool for parenting. You would go that far, right? Oh, yeah. I think so. The things that we do repeatedly shape us and have an impact on us. And so, as parents, if we can have that lens on there are so many habits that you can pick. So, it’s like you have to narrow your scope. But yeah, I think it can be very effective as a parent. I think that’s what we want to do here is to think about how we think about habit formation in our kids as a parenting tool.  

You talked about forming us into a type of person. Right? So, this idea that when we do a certain thing in rhythm, habits can form us into the type of person for whom doing that thing is natural. Right. And that is really exciting. Oh, right. I think it’s very exciting. Yeah. I mean, just prior to coming on, you were talking about your son playing baseball. 

It is, that’s really what practice is, is habit formation. Right. Being able to bring that bat around and hit a ball coming in that fast. Yes. And having that be a natural thing to do. Right. Comes by way of muscle memory. Yeah, exactly. It’s lots and lots of repetition when the stakes are really low, and then as the stakes get higher. 

You’re hoping it is just muscle memory that kicks in and that’s what carries you across the line. And that’s what we’re talking about in many aspects of life and certainly in this setting here as parenting when the stakes are high. I like that. And that actually gives us, I think, a bit of a vision in parenting. And thinking about when stakes are high because sometimes in harried messy moments of child rearing, it’s hard to see beyond the moment. Right. And it’s about correcting the moment as opposed to preparation for a high-stakes moment. Exactly. Yes. Now tell a mother who’s having a 4-year-old melt down to say, this isn’t the high stakes moment you’re talking about. 

Right. Yes. But there are more high stakes moments coming to see as an opportunity. And even in those really hard years, those are really hard moments. And that makes sense. But it also just makes me think of backing up and seeing perhaps the family as a microcosm or even just a place where we’ve learned to live our life. And we do that together and we’re trying to train our kids to do life in community with others in a way that’s consistent with what God’s designed and the family in those day-to-day settings is a great place to practice that.  

What I hear, even in you saying that Brian, is we’re producing adults. That’s the long-term goal. And I think I miss that in parenting so often. It is about the moment and it’s about correcting things and sometimes if I really show my cards, it’s about my own self. Right. My own peace of mind. Yes. Okay. I’ve got a rule, everybody, because this sure will help me out. 

Yes. But to have adult kids. What kind of adult do I want my kid to become? Right, yes. So, we advertised three habits, and you mentioned there are far more that would be a benefit. So where are we going to go with these three habits and with this vision of growing adults? 

Yeah. I think, as you can see here on the screen, we’re hoping to just think about the long term. Who do we want our kids to grow into? And what are some things to think about? So, these may hit home with you, and they may not, and it’s okay if they don’t, but I think the principles still align. 

So, we’re talking here about habits of becoming grateful. What kinds of habits would help facilitate that? Or becoming a humble adult. What kinds of habits would facilitate that? Or listening. Those would be the habits that we’re hoping they’ll turn into. 

Then to rewind, okay, what’s going to help us get there? What are some of the practical, small day-to-day things that are going to help us get there. They may seem really small, especially when they’re young, but that’s part of the maturing process. Okay, so the three goals that we’re going to set forward here today are producing a grateful adult, producing a humble adult, and producing an adult who is a good listener. 

So, let’s just imagine. I want you to take those three again. There are a gazillion good ones there. I would hope the listeners from this from this conversation would see the optimism in the hope as they think about this. Yeah. Right. So, you might have a different set of three. Right. But let’s go with these three. Yeah. Brian, build a case for grateful, humble, listening adults. Yeah. Well, I think even just as Christian parents, we think at a very high level, at the end of the day, we’d love our kids to become people who know and follow Jesus. 

And I think if that’s who we want them to become; we want them to live according to the Fruit of the Spirit. Now, I think one of the things that’s tricky about habits is that the Fruit of the Spirit is not a habit. It is a fruit that comes by the Spirit living in us. But I think if we can develop habits that are consistent with those, it starts to frame our kids in a place where they’re starting to be conformed towards or be in a position where they’re going to be able to be open to that. 

I think of a family where these kinds of habits, being thankful, being humble, being a good listener are consistent with a God-fearing adult. The family is a means God often uses to help the Spirit bring spiritual life. And so those are the three fruits that we’re looking forward to. 

And habits are a means to that end whereby we become the type of people who are grateful. We become the type of people who are humble. We become the type of people who naturally want to listen. Yes. Right. And I think too, one of the things as I thought about this, Matt, is if we move towards these, and this will probably be part of our discussion as we move forward, these kinds of things are what our kids are able to grow into. 

It gives them a great deal of freedom. There’s a great deal of freedom that comes by developing habits that are consistent with what the Lord says is right and good and true, and I think that’s exciting. Now, what that means, we may have to flesh out as we go forward, but I think there’s so much pressure to be so many things, but the freedom that says no, I can be grateful. I don’t have to have everything. I think being grateful is that we recognize when somebody has given something to us. So that’s really exciting too. And a great lens for habits, because I think you could make a pretty good case that habits are constrictive, right. 

Habits are boundary oriented. And freedom isn’t necessarily a word that I would place with habit. But what you’ve just said there is they actually give way to a free life. Yes, which I think is great. So, we’ve got three goals here and we’re going to highlight some habits for each of these. 

Okay. To become a grateful adult. What is that habit now to preempt this? Brian, some of these habits are going to seem very, very simple. In fact, they might seem too simple. Like what? I didn’t sign up to listen to something I already knew. Right. And there’s nothing new under the sun here. 

Right. But present this first one and let’s unpack it perhaps with some nuances that are going to be helpful. Yeah. Well, as we think about becoming a grateful adult, where do you start? I think what we’ve outlined here is just by simply learning how to say thank you. 

So, saying thank you is the habit. Yes. That’s the formation that we would want we have the opportunity to help instill. And every parent has said that. Say thank you. Remember. Hey honey, be sure to say thank you, right? Yeah. Whether your child is just learning to be able to put things in a verbal language at 3 years old or they’re 23. 

That’s something you hear over and over as a parent, or just even somebody that walks around with other people. We have to be reminded to say thank you because that’s not a natural thing of itself. Some kids tend to be more oriented that way than others. But we are not quick to say thank you.  

Well, so now what I like about this is I can actually visualize it in my own family having a pattern whereby we have a culture where we say, thank you.  Modeling that certainly makes sense. From a habit perspective, this would be something rhythmic, we’re going to have a lot of opportunities to do this. Right? We’re going to have multiple times a day to say thank you. But what I like is that verbal skills are being formed. 

So, a young child all the way up to a 30-year-old needs this habit to mature. So how can we mature this habit from the young to the old? Yeah. Well, I think a lot of times it is practicing it and then as you get a bit better at it, you’re adding nuance and detail to it. 

Just recently I was with a family that had one of those really young kids who is just learning to talk and to be able to say thank you. One, it was hard from a verbal standpoint, but from another standpoint to look an adult in the eye and say thank you, there’s something about that that’s really uncomfortable. And there are so many skills that little guy was learning and practicing. And it took a lot of coaching. It took a lot of effort. But as I thought of that and knew this was coming up, I’m like, isn’t that interesting? 

My 9-year-old has had a lot more practice. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s always going to be good at it, but some of those skills that she’s practiced we can add detail to. Like, okay, I noticed this and you can coach and it keeps you moving forward. 

So, flush out some of the details here from young growing up and then a mature handling of thank you. Yeah. Right. Well, I think even here just to be able to start with the very simple, thank you, and that’s all they can squeeze out. That is a beautiful thing. 

But then as they move forward, to be able to say thank you for, to be specific. Which I think requires thinking where a habit eventually comes, where you’re not thinking anymore, it’s just autopilot and you just say, thank you. So, we want to develop the autopilot, but then also move back into what I’m thankful for. 

So, we’re training them to kick their mind back on and say, oh, I’m thankful for this specific thing. And that’s part of growth. And then as you’re moving forward, I’m thankful for this. It was such a blessing. And again, back to that freedom piece. I think what we’re saying here is that thankfulness requires knowing that I don’t have everything. I don’t deserve everything. And therefore, I recognize when something has been given to me that I don’t deserve and I wouldn’t have had otherwise. And that’s a real blessing. Yeah. Well, I love that vision casting right there. 

So, let’s just linger a bit on this person to whom they are grateful. It really is an orientation that person has with God and with other people, isn’t it? To say thank you for this specific thing because I see the grace in it is a person who really understands who they are in this world. Yes. Isn’t that powerful? Oh, it’s so powerful. Starting with a simple habit of, thank you. Yeah. But more than that. Yes. A maturing of that. Yes. And I think it just allows you to be able to step back and realize that I don’t have to provide all things for me. But, wow, look at all the things I’ve been blessed with, whether that’s from God or another human being. God’s put some really gracious people in my life. Or, this is not necessary. This is above and beyond. 

To have that sort of lens is refreshing. Yeah. You know, sometimes I think to even see that juxtapositioned to its opposite is really helpful. Right. So, if we were to take the opposite of a grateful person, we would probably have an entitled person. Yeah. A person who is entitled sees no reason to say please and has no reason to say thank you. Right. Because isn’t that what you were supposed to do for me? And when you say it that way, you realize, oh, my word. I should be saying please and thank you. Oh, right. Yeah. But it’s insidious, right? It is, yeah. Which is exciting and maybe good for us to keep on a radar that either direction can grow on itself. 

And if we get into a place of entitlement or criticism, that’s an easy path to go down. And it will grow and mature a sort of adult that we don’t want to be, and I don’t think we want our kids to be, but it’s a natural thing. I really like that. And in the spirit of the type of adult that we want to be, let’s go to the second one. 

Brian. Yeah. So here, I would like my child to grow into a humble person. What would be one of the pathways towards what we’re suggesting here? The habit would be to start to facilitate, I am sorry. The habit of recognizing, hey, I’ve messed up here, and I am sorry. And so here again, something that all of us have said. Parents, we’ve all instructed our kids to say that I’m sorry, but I think to place it in this larger growth, this larger vision of becoming a humble individual. Speak a little bit to the need for adults to be able to say, I’m sorry.  

Yeah. Because sometimes it becomes harder. Oh, man. Yeah. And in a bigger picture sort of way. I think one of the things that we struggle with today, and I wonder if social media contributes to this, is being able to acknowledge wrongdoing or that we haven’t done something perfectly or right. That is so painful and so we grow up in a culture instead of being able to say, hey, I really blew it here, or I messed up, we go down the road of defending and figuring out who else to blame. Yeah. We become really good lawyers. That’s right. Yes. And we can split the fault in lots of creative ways. 

Yeah. Right. So yeah, back to freedom. If as an adult you are free to be able to say, hey, I blew it here. Or I didn’t do this right. Whether it was a mistake or you just straight out did wrong or whatever it was. To be able to have the freedom to come to somebody and say, I am sorry. There’s so much freedom in that. You don’t have to be perfect. Again, just like thank you, it’s pointing towards me not being big enough to do all of these things. In this case, we need somebody outside of ourselves to be perfect because we can’t and we need to be able to acknowledge wrongdoing to restore relationship. 

You know what I hear you’re saying there too, Brian, is to have a real, honest understanding of ourselves as human beings and that we’re going to fail, we’re going to be at fault. That is part of the world that we live in. So, having the skill to cradle or carry our brokenness, this is one of them, right? 

Right. To be able to own, acknowledge, ask for forgiveness. Right. I’m sorry. Right. And I think too, even as you’re sharing that, one of the things that just strikes me is I hope parents are encouraged. Like we’re talking, you might be thinking, these are so basic. They are. 

But that’s what’s so exciting about all habits. But they’re powerful. And so, you might already be doing this, and we want you to see the benefits, and the life that comes by these and the ways that they can also be matured. Yeah. I really like that. And I want you to take this as well. What does this habit look like as it matures over the lifespan of the child? Yeah. And what does it look like as they age and mature.  

Yeah. And so, maybe even just another comment there on habits is that sometimes, and I think this would be a good example, they start off as pretty legalistic, and you just do it for the sake of doing it. And that’s why it is important for them to mature. But I think to start in this place of, you need to go tell your brother you’re sorry even though they don’t really know what that means and they aren’t sorry. A lot of times, that’s where we have to start now. 

We certainly do. If that’s where they stay, we’ve got a problem. But being able, as they mature and they move on, to be able to say, yeah, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for specifically, what is it? And again, it turns their brain back on and they need to be able to identify that. So, moving from simple, I’m sorry, for a young child that matures into, I’m sorry with some articulation of the offense. Yes. I was thinking only of myself, and I did this thing. Yes. And even as you’re articulating that, you’re starting then to move from just the words into, okay, this is the specific thing that I recognize that I did and how it would’ve impacted the other person. And that’s ultimately what I’m really sorry about.  

So, that’s now taken to the final mature address of our failings is, I’m sorry, for this specific thing. How did that make you feel? Really getting into the life of the offended. Which is a scary place to be. Right. We want to hope against all hope that we really didn’t hurt that person. And so, it’s easy to think that we didn’t. And sometimes asking is a hard thing to do. And, again, it’s going to want to provoke that defense and excuse of this is why I did it. 

And there might be a place where some of that’s appropriate, but to be able to just own that we’ve created hurt. And we’re really sorry for that. And thankfully there’s someone, Christ, who’s been big enough to be able to come and cleanse us from all of our wrongdoings which gives us the freedom to be able to do that. 

But it is a vulnerable, scary thing. And so, therefore, as we think about developing these in our kids and maturing them, it’s going to be a couple steps forward and then a couple steps back, and then a couple steps forward and one step back. It’s going to be a slow process that feels frustrating. 

But imagine our young people growing up having the muscle memory to recognize, man, I need to make an apology and it’s about this specific thing, and I wonder how that impacted this other person’s world. That’s a beautiful thought. Oh man. Yeah. That person’s ready for marriage. Yeah. 

Right. A lot of people don’t have those skills in marriage or in the workplace. Yeah. Certainly not in the political world. Right. It’s like we are bankrupt of this very skill. A church member or any setting where you’re doing it with other people, if you can’t say sorry, that is going to be very difficult and a lot of us can’t. 

Yeah. Let’s go to the third one. So, this third one we talked about is becoming a listening adult. So, share on that one. Yeah. What’s the habit then? The habit would be to begin with by being able to say, tell me what you think. I think this is such a great question that most of us don’t even necessarily have on our radar that we ought to ask that. 

So, this would maybe even be really inviting somebody to impact your world and your thoughts. Yeah. That’s what you’re asking, right? Yeah. Tell me what you think about a certain thing, and you might find out that what they think is different than what you think or it’s a new topic that you haven’t given any thought to. 

And again, as we think about adults, if we have all of these insecurities and we have to be right about everything. I have to know everything. I have to always be presenting that I have the answer. And that’s a pretty risky place to be in, but it’s a natural place to go into. 

But if it’s more like, wait, actually I don’t have to know. I may not know. I might need to change my mind. I’m interested in what other people think about that. You know, it’s interesting that you say that, Brian, but this is the habit and skill to actually get you to your former explanation of knowing everything. How do we get to that place of having good ideas, knowing a few things, being able to see all the way around a thing but by way of listening. Yes. So, I think back to your point about how freedom does widen our world giving us more dexterity to live well with people. Yes. And I think the exciting thing about this one for me is if we can help our kids do this early, that’s the place to learn it because it’s easier. It’d be interesting even as you as a teacher like to entertain questions from a second grader, I mean, that’s a scary thing to do in a classroom. 

Don’t get me wrong. But to do that versus when you’re the senior in high school and you’ve never asked any questions at that point. Like, nobody wants to expose that they don’t know. You know? But if we can get them to do it early to know that’s why I’m in this classroom. Absolutely, I love that topic as a teacher, as you brought it out so well. Because I have found that students aren’t good at asking questions. And if we don’t instill this habit young, they come to very different conclusions on how they acquire knowledge. 

Yeah. Which I think is another good point. Even like in our current world, it’s so easy to learn in private. So, I’ll just wait until I’m home and I’ll look on my phone or Google. And it’s not that that’s terrible, but it takes out the relational piece. 

And, and I think that’s an important aspect that we can help our kids learn in the home. Setting information separate from humanity. Yeah, that’s a conversation to have at another time. Yeah. But we’re definitely in the world right now separating content from humanity, which is interesting. 

Yeah. All right, well let’s go and let’s look at this as a maturing habit like what you did with the last ones. What does it look like to have a habit for the young child and what does it look like as that matures? Yeah, so I think early on we’re just trying to help build this framework in our kids that you don’t know everything, and that’s okay. 

And so that’s where I think that question starts to frame that up. So, tell me what you think. Tell me what you think is the pattern or habit we would like our kids to have to create their muscle memory. Right, exactly. And then part of the maturing, which I think you’re starting to set the table for, is okay, tell me what you think. 

But then you’re adding this idea of I have so much to learn. And helping them embrace that. I think that’s such a gift to our kids that we would help them say, yeah, I’ve got a lot to learn. Because it’s interesting, every human at every stage of life, especially younger, thinks they know a lot more than they do. And it’s one of the things that can be frustrating. I’m meeting with this person who’s 40 years ahead of me, and they’re telling me they don’t know anything. Wait a second. Do I know more than they do?  

But they’ve actually come to this place of recognizing there is so much to learn, so much to know. And life is a lot more complicated than it looks like. You know what I really like about this? And it’s really in the spirit of habits. It is again, a micro shift that begins to form us. Right. Where our doing gives way to being. So in the classroom setting, there are times where I’ll use a discussion board or something like that, and I’ll say, hey, you need to put in a question. Students will scratch their heads until they’re like, I think this question is fine, whether they really have it or not. Sure. But this prompt, tell me what you think. I have a lot to learn is really the heart of the matter of what I want a student to really internalize. Because a student who really thinks they have a lot to learn is going to ask questions. Right. 

This verbal prompt, I have a lot to learn really comes together well with tell me what you think. I have a lot to learn. Yeah. And we might not believe that at the start but over time we see it to be true. Yeah. Well, and then like this last piece here, tell me what you think. I have a lot to learn and value your insights. I think that, again, is just moving us to this place of, wait, every person that I interact with has something that I could learn. It’s not just that I have a lot to learn, it’s that every person who I interact with has something that I could learn. 

And if we can give our kids those sorts of eyes. What a gift as they interact with other humans. And it also is a way to bless others and what a beautiful kind of community to start to build. Well, it really adds to the second one that you mentioned. Tell me what you think. I have a lot to learn, really is understanding oneself well. 

To say, okay, I truly need this. But this maturity now to this level where I value your insights is really turning oneself out to the world and valuing other people. Yeah. So, we can see now the value of an adult who really embodies tell me what you think, I have a lot to learn, and I value your insights. 

Yeah. That’s going to go a long way in so many areas of life, right? Oh, man. Absolutely. Okay. Well, this has been really helpful, Brian. Again, these are just three basic goals of becoming grateful, humble, listening adults. And these are three of many, right? Right. As we land this plane, what are some of the takeaways from this conversation? Yeah, well, I think a couple of them would be just to think about the kind of adult you want your children to be. 

Then from there to work backwards towards what would be a really simple starting point for a youngster in helping move them towards having the potential towards that kind of an adult. And I’m going to pause with that. One of the questions that a registrant for this webinar asked was, my kids are fighting. Help me with that space. I’m not sure we addressed it necessarily at some level. Right. But to even take that prompt and say, oh there’s a vision there. Right. And what you’re saying is take that and now work backwards. Right. What would be the micro shift, the micro adjustment done regularly that might bear fruit in that particular area of our children having healthy relationships with each other?  

Yes, exactly. And if you have a habit that you’re working on in a setting like that, I think it can just give you some guidance. There are so many things you could address in that situation, but right now we’re working on the habit of being humble and part of that is saying, sorry, what does that look like in this setting? 

And that might be the only piece of it that you focus on. There are lots of pieces you could focus on. Having a habit that you’re working on can give you a little bit of direction in a really complicated, frustrating, overwhelming moment. And the listeners probably put this together that all of these habits that we’ve presented here, these three have been verbal instruction. 

There are many habits that are not verbal necessarily. Right. But in this particular area of verbal, it is helpful because I think sometimes, we need to be coached on what we should say and then once we say a certain thing, it helps us get to the right place. And then when you hear them say something it gives you opportunity to coach and it gives insight into where they maybe need to mature, or you can help them and there can be nuance added to that. 

Okay. So, we talk about working backwards. What else as we land the plane? Well, I think another thing that comes to mind is just being okay with starting really simple and small. That’s almost always the place to start with habit formation. Start with something small and basic that’s manageable. 

It’s going to feel like this is not enough. That’s probably a sign of a good place to start. And if it goes smoothly and you’re like, wow, this is pretty easy, then think about what the next step is that we could add to it and how could we mature that thing. So, I brought in another question that somebody keyed in about special needs and thinking through special needs. And again, just to overlay that onto what we’ve talked about here today, and what I’m hearing you say, well, what does it look like for a special need? What capacity do they have and what does maturing look like for them? Right.  

So, for example, if a special need is partly anxiety inducing. What does it look like to build a habit to help with anxiety? Yeah. Or what does that look like for that particular child? So, there’s some ability here to dial and tool this thing to fit uniqueness. 

Exactly. Which I think is really important. Because there are some habits that for some kids will be almost natural for them. And it’s okay to work on that as a way to encourage them. Hey, this kid is actually really prone towards being grateful. Okay, well that’s great. Keep working on that habit and let them know that’s maybe something that they’re really good at. Then maybe on the other hand, they struggle with something like anxiety. Okay, now we’re going to work on a habit that’s not going to be quite as easy. You’re not going to be as successful. And that’s the habit we’re just going to try. 

So, it’s not a verbal habit. This is okay. We’re going to recognize things that feel uncomfortable. And we’re just going to try it. And that’s maybe the habit. That’s good. Well, we will land the plane with these three. If anybody listening has a comment or a question that they want to key in, you certainly can, or you can unmute yourself and ask that question if you like. 

But I really appreciate Brian, providing that scaffold I think is really helpful. We have a chat that came in here. You mentioned working backwards from the kind of adult you want your child to become. What practical steps can parents take to keep that vision in front of them day to day? 

That is a great question. Yeah. I think one of the things that comes to mind would just be to have that goal or that habit in mind. So, okay, this is who I’d like them to become and work backwards. Where are they now? What would maybe be a fitting habit? 

To make that a really specific habit that you can have identified and made known in your own mind. If you can’t identify the habit that you’re working on, then do work there, because if you don’t know what it is, it’s going to get really fuzzy. Then to verbally express it to them and make sure that they see what’s going on, and then perhaps to set some reminders around the house would be ideal. 

Really, to have that end in mind is helpful not only for us, but for the child. So, I could think of even building a habit for me as the parent to say you’re going to be a grateful person. You know? Say thank you because you’re going to be a grateful person, or you are a grateful person. This is who you are. Yeah. I don’t know as I’m thinking on my feet here but whether it’s fear, you are a person of faith or maybe you’re working on something courageous. You are a courageous person. Or maybe you’re thinking about work ethics. You’re a hard worker. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, I’m almost wondering, a part of it is my own reflex and habit formation in the way that I view my kids. Because a lot of times, truth be told, I think about myself a lot whether it is rules or whatnot. As opposed to who they are going to be, who they become. Yeah. It’s good. 

Thank you for that question. Any other questions? I appreciate that and appreciate your time. And Brian, I think the template is clear enough and hopefully inspiring for parents to engage their kids in really hopeful ways. Yeah. But I think we do need to keep the vision in mind. I do think it’s important that the kids see that vision too. Yeah. Right. Or else we can get sideways into the weeds about why we do things. Yeah. Routinely. Yeah. I think too, we’re acknowledging that it’s a hard thing when we’re open about it, talking about it, and that would be part of that dialogue with them. Yeah. And to keep in mind too, that we’re including things that we say. This could be things that we do first thing in the morning, or this is how we finish the day, or these are things that we do for others. You know, there are lots of things. So, get a marker board with your spouse and start marking it up with brainstorm ideas. Exactly. Fun to do. 

Thanks a lot. Thanks everyone for being with us here today. Have a great day.