Community Podcast Episode

People’s lives change. And so, I think about people whom I may have had in my inner circle five years ago, who have probably gotten married or moved on in different senses. Maybe they have little kids right now. And so, I’ve had to bring different people into that ring than I would have had earlier on. 

And if I would have neglected to do that, it’d be pretty easy to wake up one day and feel that disconnection to feel like, hey, nobody’s here. Amber, welcome into the studio. Always glad to have you along. Thanks, Matt.  

All aspects of church and participants need proper supports, parenting, marriages, elderly men, women. So, today in this hour, let’s needle in again, as we’ve done in the past, on singleness. And I think perhaps to set the stage, there’s been a strong case made that God loves singles. And in fact, sees them very central in the gospel, very central in churches. And we want to support that in any way possible through some of the messages that go out of this place. 

But this is your opportunity, Amber, to place your finger on perhaps some things to talk about that will stir our minds with regards to living out our Christian life well in singleness. Yeah. So, it makes me think, Matt, of some of our previous conversations around New Testament living. 

And again, I would say singleness is very, very central and you see that in Scripture. The really beautiful thing is that you also see that sense of community. And so, as you were talking there, it made me think of that. And I think that’s maybe the best way to frame up our conversation today is taking a look at community and the life of a single person. 

What does that look like? Who should that be and how to do that? Hopefully we can be pretty practical to the community. That’s not a new idea. It’s actually quite ancient, but it has looked different through the generations. Yeah, you’re right. It can be kind of a trendy thing to think about and I’m going to date myself, but it can be cool to think about community. But in the same sense, it is an important discussion to have no matter your age or stage that you’re in. Let’s start with the elements of community. What are some elements that come to your mind off the top of your head? Like, these are qualities of community. 

I’m going to start off with another buzzword, intentionality, I’m going to say, is an element of community. So, in the sense that community doesn’t just happen without a little bit of effort. Right. But let me draw a distinction here because I think you’re especially speaking to the single because community is a bit of a default for those of us who are married or have children around the table. 

I mean, it’s like you have to try very hard not to do community in the family setting, for example. But that’s not necessarily the case when it comes to singleness. There’s an intentionality required to step into the community space.  

No, it’s a great point, Matt, because community doesn’t just naturally happen. You go home to your apartment and maybe live alone, and you could easily spend all of your time when you’re not at work by yourself if you wanted to, or with the same group of about three people if you wanted to. And really what we want to get at today is a broader sense of community and what that should mean. 

Well, and I’ve asked you a little bit about some earmarks of community. Maybe this leads us to the next one. Maybe a bit of purpose, because I’m guessing that if we go to those same three people, I’m wondering if we have a certain purpose in mind when it comes to community and not see maybe the larger landscape of what community should provide. 

Does that make sense? So, what would be some of those elements of community? It requires intentionality to step into it. And then what does community provide? I think community just provides a sense of iron sharpening iron in a lot of ways. It just provides refinement and growth, which you don’t get when you’re by yourself or you just surround yourself with people that think like you or tell you what you want to hear. 

And so, in that sense, I would say when you look at community, consider who are some of those people who are a little bit different or are going to challenge me, who see things differently than I do. Yeah. I can speak to personal examples of that in the last couple months in separate locations, separate people who have challenged me that my mind is always being formed, my thought processes, my opinions, my ideologies are being formed. And really the question is, who’s informing them? And certainly, we want the Scriptures to be informative, but the realization that these particular brothers helped me see is that if it’s not solely the Scripture, it’s going to come from someplace. 

And if it’s not a community that’s going to do that in a healthy way and lead me in healthy directions, it might be a very secular way. So, as you speak to that isolation part, we’re not necessarily stalled out in isolation. We’re still moving in some place. And how I am being informed and how my thinking is being informed when by myself is not necessarily progression. 

Yeah, so I tell this to people often that at such a point, internalization becomes unhealthy and that’s where you need to take it to externalization. And so, you need people to bounce ideas off of. So, if we’re alone in our thoughts all the time, exactly. Yeah. I tend to be more introverted. And so I’m pretty comfortable there, but I also know that after a while I could go off track if I don’t have some people speaking to me. I am that way too, but you know what, I’m always in an internal state. I’m always right. Yeah, exactly. And I always win great arguments in my own head. Oh, I make all sorts of sense in my head, and I have all sorts of great ideas until I talk to somebody. 

And so, you think about what we said earlier too, about how this takes intentionality, and it takes a lot of purpose and seeking this out in time, I would say too. And so, we’re telling you that your community maybe isn’t always an encouragement to you, but it’s rather challenging. So, you can see where it’s hard to do because who wants to, at the end of a long day, engage in this very refining process. Exactly. Yeah. No, that’s good.  

What would some of the other qualities be then? Yeah. One of the things that I think of is just who should be your community. And I would define it pretty broadly. I think that at some points, your family is that. I think at some points your peers, people that you’re mentoring. And so, one thing just very practically that I encourage people is to consider at least having one or two nights a week where you are intentionally engaging with people in your community. 

Again, not the same people all the time, but if you look at your calendar and you don’t have any plans after every workday, that’s difficult. And honestly, it’s pretty easy to have connection. And so, it’d be pretty easy to do a Skype call when you get home. If your community doesn’t live very close to you, you can still cross miles pretty easily through technology and make it happen. 

That’s it. And so, you’ve really spoken about the advantage that we have to do that, to make connection. And so now I’m going to play on that word connection because you really, by your explanation of that, really redeemed that concept. Technology makes connection very easy. And I wonder sometimes if we substitute community for connection. 

Yeah. Does that make sense? So, it’s like, oh, I connected with so many people. There was a shout out to so many people today that we might feel as though we engaged community but I’m making the suggestion that perhaps that’s not community. Yeah. Right. I think that’s true. It is pretty easy to be on social media or to consider that I have a form of connection to hundreds and hundreds of friends, but at the same time, they might not know a lot about you, and you can paint whatever picture you want to and define yourself however you want. It is super appealing to take out all your flaws and just post what you want.  

The downside of that is those weak spots never really get touched on. So, I think in a number of words, you’ve worked in perhaps another prerequisite. You mentioned intentionality earlier, but now you’re saying that there’s some authenticity required here. There’s some vulnerability necessary. Yeah. I would say vulnerability would be a good way to look at it. Kind of that sense of being open, maybe to ask yourself who really sees this part of my life? 

Or who really sees all the parts of my life and knows everything about me. It’s pretty easy for coworkers to see that segment of your life or to see church people and see what you’re like, maybe on Wednesday nights or Sundays. And to have this compartmentalization that can happen, but to have a sense of community, I would say you need some people that can speak into. 

So, I think being vulnerable is one of those skills that really takes discernment. I think we can all maybe relate to a time when I was too vulnerable there. I was more vulnerable than the environment sustained, or I was more vulnerable than the relationship was ready for. 

And then the flip side, I wasn’t vulnerable enough in all of those things. Does that make sense? Yeah. Even with vulnerability we can err on both sides of these ditches. So, Vulnerability 101, what are some of those basic concepts that we should be thinking about when it comes to being vulnerable and what does that look like? 

One of the pictures that I draw for people is basically a set of rings. It could be like a bullseye and the innermost ring is those who are closest to you. And so having a few people that do see all those different aspects of your life and that you have to be open with. If they ask you how it’s going and you say, fine, when it’s really not, you’re lying to them. 

They’re that close to you and they need to know. But then as I said, there are different rings. And so, there are some people maybe in your outer rings that you can just greet in passing on a Sunday and they don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of the decisions that you’re making. When they say, how are you doing? It’s completely fine to say I’m fine. Thank you. How are you? When things in some areas of your life might be falling apart, but the environment, the person doesn’t fit. Right. There’s not the relationship there where they maybe are entitled to those details. Sure. And so, I think it depends on your relationship with the person. 

And so, I say that some people struggle to have anybody in that inner ring and so that would definitely be a sign where maybe you need to be growing in some openness. And then I’ve also seen situations where everybody is in that first ring. And they are just an open book to the world. And so, maybe there would be some things about containment that I would try to work on with that individual. Yeah. Or appropriate audiences. Exactly, which is so helpful. And actually those types of questions are really worked out in community. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. You just painted this picture that we can all identify with and really the answer to that education and bringing that person to that understanding is going to happen in a community level, somebody speaking into them. Because in isolation, working out these scenarios, it’s just not easy for a person to be refined in that particular area. Yeah. And it’s something that you need to keep tabs on because those people are going to move in and out of different rings in your life. Say for example, you have three very close friends in that inner circle and in the last couple of years, two of them have gotten married and one has moved away. 

And all of a sudden you realize when you do that evaluation that you don’t really have anybody left sharpening you like they used to. And so, it’s a good idea to take inventory every year or every six months or so, and just evaluate who are my people, so to speak, and where can I grow in this area? 

Or when do I need to let somebody new into some aspects of my life? Maybe I haven’t before to make sure you have those. You’re really speaking of almost like this maintenance plan on how do I maintain my community? Yes. Which I think is a fascinating because some people do this very well. And I think the basic rule of thumb is without contact, people become more distant. 

Yeah. I mean, that’s, that’s been my experience, right? And so there would have to be, I think, some just purposeful connection again that we make and maintain. And that probably goes a long ways in keeping relationship, even though we might be separated by miles, but it might be separated by life stage. I’m also going to throw out, Matt, that I think this is for everyone, regardless of your personality type. 

I mentioned earlier that I tend to be more introverted, but that doesn’t leave me off the hook from connecting and building a community to be a part of. Well, I just think of your concentric circles. Yeah. That doesn’t mean nobody’s in your center. It might just mean there’s fewer than somebody who might be more extroverted. 

Exactly. The question still remains who’s in that center circle and who are in those concentric circles moving outward because all of those should have some present people in it. Exactly. Yeah. And so I think there’s just some lies that we can encounter too about really needing that community when it feels hard or it feels like we’re too busy or it feels like everyone else has gotten married or moved on. 

And so then you’re kind of stuck. And the reality is that there are so many people around us all the time that we can be pulling from and if there really truly is nobody, then that’s maybe an opportunity to take this to prayer and to really consider, okay, who do I need to be intentional about getting to know? 

Yeah. So, speak to the importance of real people and real relationships. Okay. And we’re at no loss for content or expertise or for voices to speak into things. And so on one hand we’re thinking, wow, have we ever been equipped more than we’re equipped now? But I’m asking you to speak to the very basic nuts and bolts of people face to face. 

I think of what you just said up there. And I think of the different voices that I know go through my head throughout the day, whether that’s from things I look up online or those things I see on social media, little video clips that are out there. I think of podcasts and I think about how one sided all of those things are. 

All of those voices are so just one perspective coming at me. And I may be saying things out loud in my car, but they’re not responding and they’re not changing their view based on my responses. So there is something about being able to have a real time conversation where there is back and forth and there’s that continual stretching of the mind versus numbing out that can happen when you’re just a consumer, when you’re just sitting back and taking in instead of having to think. 

Yeah. You know, there’s a verse in Scripture that talks about knowing those who have been put over you and know their walk, right? In a sense to know those who have that influence and instruct you. And I then immediately think to all my teachers who I really don’t know, but they’re the name on the front cover of the book, or they are the host of some podcast, right? 

And I’m glad you threw that in here because Breaking Bread knows its limitations and they are many and never do we intend to exceed the limitations that we have. There is this wonderful space of real life, flesh and blood people in our lives. And while they might not be as glamorous as X, Y, or Z, They are perhaps more impactful, more useful in carrying this out. 

So, let’s think about how that could even be redeemed, like, how much more meaningful would it be to listen to a podcast or to read a book, but then to be meeting with a mentor or meeting with a peer and discussing checks and balance your ideas and thoughts. This is what occurred to me. And so we’re not trying to throw out those voices that you can have access to, but to think about setting up a relationship where, hey, I want to read this book, would you want to read it too? And then let’s check in once a month and discuss the three chapters that we read and talk about that. 

All of a sudden you have a sense of community with this person that you’re meeting with, and you can bounce those ideas back and forth and build bridges and connections right there. And this isn’t necessarily with those who are exactly like us, too. And I think of this podcast, and it finds its place within a church setting, right? 

We understand that. And that’s one of the beautiful things in the Community of Christ. You have this wealth of diversity, of life stages ages, and generations. So speak to that healthy mix. Yeah, it is really helpful. We keep talking about social media today, but even having some dialogue with people who came before social media and had to do this connection without that, you can really learn some valuable tools and some instruction from their lives. 

Asking someone maybe in their seventies or eighties, what did it look like to be in the young group back in your day? How did you communicate with people who were close to you? Just simple questions like that and all of a sudden you start to get ideas. And so, being able to learn what are ways that I can communicate outside of my norms that are stretching and help me grow and help me connect to people maybe outside of my generation that don’t have or don’t lean on the same types of communication modules that I do. 

And clearly, as we walk with Christ through the Gospels, we see a community. And in fact, as I thought of your concentric circle model, you see that with Christ, right? I mean, he had 12 that were clearly named. We know them. Yeah. But there were other in that group. He sent 70 out at one point, right? There were other disciples that followed him that he engaged with. 

You had good friends. Jesus very much was building a community and we see him interplay with that community in wonderful ways. Again, when you have a sense of community and you have people that are discipling you, and then what happens is you start to disciple others. And so again, it just perpetuates some of that New Testament thing that we see one obvious classification of the differences between us as gender and certainly this comes into play as we speak to singleness in gender and so help paint that picture. What does a healthy community look like as it relates to gender?  

So, I’m going to go back to those circles for a minute and feel free to push back here Matt, I’m going to say that within that closest ring, that innermost ring, you probably shouldn’t have someone of the opposite gender in there, especially speaking from a single’s perspective. From a marriage perspective, it would clearly be your spouse. Right. And so, from a single’s perspective, I don’t know if that’s the healthiest place for someone of the opposite gender to be. There can be a lot of close sharing. Like we just said, that’s what should happen when someone’s in that inner ring. 

And so just to be able to consider, maybe if I’m only sharing, or it feels really good to share with this individual what happens is that really starts to grow, and some other people can start to get pushed out. And so even if it’s a single young sister or sharing with an older married man, if there’s a way to meet not with just that man, but with his wife as well, with a couple, that’s just a lot healthier than having that one-on-one contact. This is to decrease the likelihood of dependency that starts to build an unhealthy sharing. Yeah, well, you invited a pushback and I’m not going to push back in a sense because I think what you’ve said is very wise.  

And now, is there an anomaly out there that says, well, it didn’t fit for this issue? Sure, but what you’re saying is a rule of thumb to realize that the opposite gender has other forces at play that you really can’t get out from underneath. And because of those other forces at play between genders and attraction and tendencies in certain directions, I think what you’ve said is, is very wise. 

Right. This wherewithal to say, you know what, that might not be the healthiest thing for that inner ring to include, but certainly in the outer rings, very appropriate and healthy to include, would you say? Yes, I would agree with that. I think of 1 Timothy 5, where it talks about the family relationships within the body and treating the young men as brothers and the young women as sisters. And so just to recognize that we should all have those relationships. And, at the same time, that caution. Again, you could look back to Christ’s example, the disciples, it was all men that were in the 12 disciples. So again, just consider the placement. 

But his interaction with Mary and Martha and the many others were very special and had an appropriate place. Right. Actually, as you were talking through family members, I was thinking of my own family, my own children, and just the thought that I want them to learn healthy sibling interaction because really God wants them in time to step into that healthy sibling interaction within the church family and to step in and fulfill some of those same functions. 

Right. And so, I think, again, we can go overboard, and some people can try to cut out all males if you’re female or if you’re male, all females from those rings. And again, that’s where if you have a broader sense of community and you have more than just a handful of people in that circle, it makes it so much easier to have healthy mixed groups together where you are learning from one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

And yet there is some of that pressure where it does feel awkward. So, I think what I hear you saying is when it becomes seclusive, it’s probably an indicator that we’re maybe not in the healthiest spot with community, right? And so, I think that’s something we can taste and feel. Am I leaning toward being seclusive here or am I leaning towards inclusiveness and allowing that larger group to foster this healthy place, this healthy environment, which I think is a critical key. 

And I think it’s important. Yeah, it definitely is. It’s a good way to check your heart and your motive. Amber, thanks. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for turning the light on this topic of community, exposing it for what it is, its importance, not only for the single, but for everyone involved. To our listeners, thanks for being along. 

We trust that this episode has been helpful. As always, we open ourselves up to comment or to questions or to even future topics at [email protected].