Arlan Miller in Biblical Decision Making, Marriage Decision Making, Singleness
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Keeping a Balanced Perspective in Marriage Decision Making

We each view life from our own perspective. While this is certainly normal, we all have blind spots and tendencies in our thinking which may lead us to inaccurate conclusions. Because the marriage decision is so important, we must be intentional about keeping a balanced perspective as we seek to discern well. The intent of this document is to bring clarity and balance to some common extreme views on the marriage decision. It is meant to highlight a few examples of where thinking toward marriage decision making can become off balance.

Extreme View
Believing marriage is of greater spiritual value than singleness. 

 Balanced View
Realizing both marriage and singleness are commended in the scriptures. 		 Extreme View
Believing singleness is of greater spiritual value than marriage. 

Extreme View
Believing there is one perfectly right way for the Lord to direct every couple together. Believing that God must speak to you directly or that supernatural signs are required for God to lead you to a spouse. 

 Balanced View
Believing God deals uniquely with each person and not according to a formula. Being submitted to God throughout the entire decision-making process can give you confidence God will lead you over time. 

Extreme View
Believing you can choose to do whatever you want and God will automatically bless your decisions. Believing God doesn’t intervene or play a role in our marriage decision making. 

Extreme View
Holding the belief there is only one person in the world whom you could marry. 

 Balanced View
Taking the decision to marry very seriously and cautiously. Seeking out God’s direction through the Word, prayer, and godly counsel. 

Extreme View
Believing God doesn’t care about who we marry so we are free to do whatever we want. 

Extreme View
Believing “waiting on the Lord” means being completely passive. 

 Balanced View
Moving slowly and intentionally, praying through every step and seeking counsel. 

Extreme View
Being impatient and unwilling to wait on the Lord. Making impulsive decisions. 

Extreme View
Allowing sin in your life and believing it won’t harm you. Believing emotional or relational issues in yourself or future spouse won’t interfere with your marriage or your marriage will even solve them. 

 Balanced View
Realizing unresolved or ongoing sin, emotional or relational issues can be stressful or even increase in a marriage. Focusing on living an overcoming life by taking responsibility, being accountable, and desiring to be conformed to the image of Christ. 

Extreme View
Believing you have to be completely perfect in all things in order to get married. Holding emotional or relational issues against yourself or someone else. 

Extreme View
Believing a potential spouse’s past mistakes indicate those mistakes will be repeated in the future. People can’t change. 

 Balanced View
Realizing people can change, but also realizing some things may only change a little and some things won’t change at all. 

Extreme View
Believing marriage and love will change a potential spouse into the person who you wish he/she was. Love will change his/her personality. 

Extreme View
Believing knowing little to nothing about a potential spouse is more spiritual. 

 Balanced View
Seeing the importance of knowing a potential spouse is of Christian character and has values and a core direction in life which lines up with yours. 

Extreme View
Believing you must know everything about a potential spouse in order to step forward. 

Extreme View
Believing any type of a relationship with a person of the opposite sex is always bad and avoiding all contact. 

 Balanced View
Having good male-female relationships while maintaining accountability and ensuring you do not do anything which could potentially compromise yourself or another person. 

Extreme View
Believing freedom in Christ means you don’t need healthy boundaries and accountability. Being flirtatious or immodest in your interactions. 

Extreme View
Believing you will not have to change or adjust after marriage. 

 Balanced View
Realizing honoring and preferring one another is essential to marriage AND so is having a healthy Christ-centered identity. 

Extreme View
Believing you must lose your identity and opinions after marriage. 

Extreme View
Believing it is better to not have feelings of love for a potential spouse so you feel like it was God’s will and not your will. Viewing awareness of physical attraction to a potential spouse as bad or of the flesh. 

 Balanced View
Realizing feelings of love or attraction to a potential spouse are normal, healthy, and godly; however, emotions should not be the only measure of whether the decision is wise. Since God examines the heart, so should we. 

Extreme View
Believing feeling intense love means it must be right. Viewing feelings of love as an automatic indicator you should marry someone. Placing too much focus on physical attraction instead of character. 

Extreme View
Throwing caution to the wind, not preparing yourself for marriage, and not considering the pros and cons of your decision. “It will all work out.” 

 Balanced View
Understanding the decision to marry does not come with absolute certainty about the future. It is to be a balance of faith and wisdom, where we prayerfully use godly wisdom to seek his will and then step out in faith. 

Extreme View
Being unable to proceed without having absolute certainty about all aspects of how things would work out if you got married. 
Extreme View
Not seeking out godly counsel from others OR refusing to receive counsel and advice. 		 Balanced View
Seeking counsel from a support team of wise, mature Christians who take you to the Word. They are encouraging to you; however, they are also willing to challenge you, pointing out blind spots or places you need to grow. 

Extreme View
Talking indiscriminately with too many people and getting poor advice or seeking until you get the advice you want. 

 

Contributed by
Arlan Miller
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