Marital Sexuality in the Advanced Years

As a person ages, many changes occur. These include physical changes, but also relational and emotional ones. Marital couples and their aging bodies can affect how sexuality is expressed in marriage. Physical changes can affect what we are able to do, emotional changes can affect what is meaningful to us, and relational changes can affect our need for passion and connection.

Understanding these changes as spouses continue to pursue connection with each other is important. Couples should continually find ways to maintain marital passion to enhance their desire and need for each other as they age.

Equally important to aging couples is identifying myths which can interfere with healthy physical, emotional and relational intimacy. These unhelpful myths include:

• Older people do not need deep connection.
• Older people are no longer interested in physical intimacy.
• Aging and physical changes make it impossible to enjoy each other in physical or sexual ways.
• Or conversely, if couples reach a place where connection is primarily emotional and not physically intimate, then something must be wrong with the couple.

Emotional and Relational Changes

Many couples maintain high levels of respect and affection for each other, yet others find overfamiliarity of habits and patterns can create stress in the relationship or can distract from the attention they share with each other.

Key emotional and relational areas to consider include:

• Maintaining or increasing emotional connection requires identifying and being open about changes and stressors that come with aging.
• To remain emotionally responsive with each other, aging couples should be encouraged to learn new communication skills and to commit to sharing with and understanding each other in new ways.
• Topics for aging couples to talk through may include support during health concerns, changing relationships with adult children, transitions out of leadership and influential roles in the church and professions, when to downsize or adjust living arrangements.
• Spiritual connection is a part of emotional connection. Couples that share a common faith, convictions, and spiritual growth deepen marital connection.
• In mature years there may be opportunities for new practices of study and sharing. Couples can shift their focus more to eternity. If done in healthy ways, this can deepen our trust and commitment to each other.

Pursuing Passion

We tend to associate passion with being sexual. While sex is a part of marital passion, it is important to find additional ways to bring passion to the marriage relationship. Consider these ideas for pursing passion in different ways as you age:

• Relearning the physical pleasure of holding hands, sitting close, going for a walk, or lingering over a nice meal.
• Discovering options for volunteer work or hobbies, which can be done individually but can also be shared. This purpose of mutual activity can be helpful in creating excitement and passion.
• Travel and opportunities during this phase of marriage may be more of an option to create passion.

Maintaining Sexual Intimacy

Physical and biological changes occur as individuals age. Hormone levels, muscle tone, hair loss, physical agility, physical health, and energy levels are all affected. Many of these physical changes may affect our sexual confidence and some will directly affect our ability to be sexual and to enjoy sexual activity. Areas to consider include:

• Identity – for men and women our masculinity and femininity are important to us.
  • As our bodies change and our youthfulness decreases, couples may struggle with what is attractive, how others see us, and how we see ourselves.
  • For married men, being sexually active and fulfilled is a significant part of feeling good about ourselves.
  • For married women, being sexually active may be a part of feeling desirable and of engaging closely with husbands.
  • Couples should consider ways to be sexual that are less performance-based but can still confirm our sexuality.
  • Accepting physical changes as a part of how God created us is important to reframe our identity on relationships, engagement with others, and satisfaction in our marital lives.
  • Considering what matters in life and how to align our identity with those priorities is important to do as couples age.
  • A pursuit of a relationship with God is more valuable than professional or financial success.
  • A legacy of love and service is more attractive than youthful bodies.

• Fulfilling Sexuality – As bodies age, individuals deal with hormone and energy levels dropping, bodies that atrophy, and people deal with more aches and pains. Each of these areas affect one’s ability to be sexual in the same way as when each was younger. This does not mean couples cannot be sexual. It simply means couples need to adjust expectations and consider what works for their changed bodies.
  • Bodies physically change and lose tone. Giving grace to both yourself and your spouse’s physical changes is important. Focusing your marriage on seeing the beauty of how God created marriage and on the character and personality of your spouse than on physical attributes is important to acknowledge.
  • Changes and variation in hormone levels may affect the desire and ability to engage sexually. For women, it may affect lubrication and result in discomfort. For men, it may affect the ability to become physically aroused.
  • Regardless of physical changes, it is important to remember that it does not have to result in a loss of desire. Couples should make adaptations to satisfy each other with respect and honor in this area.
  • In all stages of marriage, couples need to accept that one partner may have a stronger desire to be intimate. Couples will need to communicate and respect these differences, and these differences may be greater as couples age.
  • Women should respect that sex may still be a very important part of your husband’s identity and his desire for pleasure may remain high despite decreased physical response.
  • Wives should continue to be supportive and encouraging towards her husband’s masculinity as he is less able to engage in sex as he would desire. There may be more of a need for thoughtful foreplay.
  • Husbands should respect that sex may be less pleasurable and less comfortable for their wives.
  • Openness for couples about ways to be helpful and respectful in love making is important.
  • Additionly, considering ways to be physically intimate that are mutually satisfactory may require medical consultation. Professionals can help determine any health conditions that may interfere with sexual desire or ability which may be treatable.
  • Aging couples may experience a role shift with each other from sharing to care giving. A strong marital servant-bond can help with this transition. This connection, if done intentionally, can be an endearing time that deepens our passion. Deep physical connection may look like holding hands, touch, and laying together.

Additional Thoughts

• One asset of aging is time. Aging couples can use time well. Date nights can occur on Tuesday or Thursday versus Friday or Saturday.
• Consider activities that might take the place of some you did when you were younger. Electric bicycles are a great adaptation!
• Use time to reminisce. Laugh together.
• As couples age, considering that at some time, there will be loss. Death is a reality which is becomes more real. Healthy discussions for couples regarding loss of a spouse and what plans are needed helps with marital legacy and preserving memories of life together.

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For Further Information

A Celebration of Sex After 50
Authors: Dr. Douglas Rosenau and Dr. Jim & Carolyn Childerston
Reclaim the Bible-based concept of marriage as a satisfying one-flesh relationship. In this definitive guide to marital intimacy for Christian couples over 50, learn how to deepen sexual pleasure and enjoy God’s gift of sexual intimacy with your spouse.

 

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