Healthy Communication in Marriage

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BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES

Communication has a vital impact on the marriage relationship
Your communication can determine the course of your marriage by strengthening or weakening it. Therefore, you must closely watch your words and the way you communicate with each other. Love your spouse and consistently make sure your words support that love (Proverbs 25:11, Colossians 4:6, Matthew 12:35-37).

Effective listening is one of the most important components of communication
Through active listening, you communicate respect, honor, and love to your spouse. Communication often goes awry when one or both spouses are trying to speak before they have taken the time to understand the other (Proverbs 18:13, Romans 12:10, Proverbs 29:20).

Your words have the power to build up and bless or tear down and hurt
Avoid making critical, hurtful, or demeaning comments to your spouse or about your spouse to others (James 3:5-10, Ephesians 4:29, 1 Peter 3:10).

THE SPEAKER LISTENER TECHNIQUE

The Speaker-Listener Technique includes rules and guidelines that can be applied to nearly any situation. This structured way of communicating is very helpful when dealing with issues that are important, difficult, or sensitive. Slowing down your communication and being clear on who is taking on the role of Speaker or Listener can prevent many misunderstandings as conversations are more likely to spiral out of control when there are two Speakers and no Listeners. While you don’t need to use the Speaker-Listener Technique in every conversation, if you think communication isn’t going well, call a “time-out” and take steps to implement it. The paragraphs below highlight rules for this technique as well as key overall principles of healthy communication.

Rules for both of you:

• The Speaker “has the floor.” It is the Speaker’s job to share his/her thoughts and feelings, while the Listener simply listens and paraphrases what is heard. Using some sort of object (piece of paper, etc.) to designate which individual is the Speaker can be a helpful visual reminder to both spouses. Whoever is holding the object is the Speaker.
• After one of you has had the opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings as the Speaker, share the floor by handing the object representing “the floor” to the other spouse. When your spouse is the Speaker, focus on being the Listener. This process continues back and forth as each one takes turns having the floor.
• The goal of the Speaker-Listener Technique is to help couples achieve open communication and build better understanding. Therefore, the focus is on having good discussions rather than finding solutions. Many times, good communication between spouses, which fosters understanding, is all that is needed. Other times, additional steps of problem solving and conflict resolution are needed.

Rules for the Speaker:

• Speak for yourself. When you are in the role of the Speaker, use “I” statements and state your own point of view. For example, “I feel frustrated that we have not been able to create a budget for our finances.”
• The Listener can only take in so much at a time. Speaking in smaller chunks allows the Listener to comprehend more rather than overloading him or her with all your thoughts at once. Doing this helps the Listener to focus on what you are saying and will increase the amount your spouse is able to remember.
• Stop and let the Listener paraphrase. After saying a sentence or two, stop and allow the Listener to repeat back to you what he/she thought you said. If the paraphrase is not accurate, restate your point in a way that allows the Listener to understand.
  Remember that communication is more than just words.

Verbal communication: The specific words and phrases we use to communicate.

• Timing is essential: Couples need to identify appropriate times to bring up certain issues. It is often helpful to ask your spouse a question like, “I would like to talk to you about ________ sometime. When is a good time to talk?”
• Say what you mean and mean what you say: Do not say one thing and really mean another, and do not expect the Listener to be able to “read your mind.”
• Do not switch topics mid-conversation: Communication between spouses often gets “muddy” when they switch topics because they try to address too many issues at once.
• Helpful communication approaches:
  • Use X, Y, Z format: This format helps keep your communication clear: “In situation X, when Y occurred, I felt Z.”
    “When you don’t call me to say that you’ll be late, I feel frustrated” is clearer than “You knew you were going to be late. Why didn’t you call?”
  • Use “I” statements: These types of statements allow the Speaker to take responsibility for his or her own emotions and thoughts.
    “I feel frustrated when you don’t call me to say that you’ll be late.”
  • Avoid “You” statements: These types of statements automatically put the listener on the defensive.
    “You never help me around the house.”
• Be aware of filters: Filters are anything that come between the Speaker and Listener that can potentially alter the meaning and/or reception of the message. There are two main types of filters:
  • Environmental filters: Noise from music, children, phone; being in different rooms, etc.
  • Internal filters: Being tired, frustrated, having a headache, being sick, etc.

Let your spouse know that a filter is interfering in communications and figure out the best way to proceed. Decide to go into the same room alone and talk or schedule another time to talk.

Nonverbal communication: Nonverbal communication often has a larger impact on overall communication than the specific words used. This does not mean that your words do not matter, but it does mean that “how you say it” is often more important than “what you say.” Nonverbal communication can alter the meaning of the words you use and is often the strongest indicator of the true message. The following types of nonverbal communication can help or hinder your ability to communicate with your spouse.

• Tone of voice: Your tone of voice is a combination of volume, quality, pitch, and rate of speech. The emotional meaning of a message can be understood just by these components, without hearing the actual words. Read the words “I love you,” placing emphasis on the words in bold type as you read them and see how the message changes.
  (1) I love you. (2) I LOVE you. (3) I love YOU. (4) I love YOU?
  A tone of voice conveying warmth, care, and love will get you the furthest in your relationship. Even when disagreeing, trying to maintain a calm, even tone will help you communicate in a civil manner. The truth of Proverbs 15:1 often rings true.
• Body language, posture, and eye contact: Your body language and posture can give evidence of your openness or defensiveness, anger or calmness, and interest or disinterest in communicating. Some nonverbal behaviors that show you are actively involved in communication include: leaning forward while sitting, keeping your arms uncrossed, and keeping your hands relaxed and open. When your spouse speaks to you, face your spouse and look him or her in the eyes.
• Facial expressions: Many times, we are not completely aware of our facial expressions when we are talking and listening. You may gain help by asking a close friend or family member about your typical facial expressions. Like tone of voice, facial expressions can reveal the emotion behind thoughts and words. Overall, a warm smile and relaxed appearance is more inviting than a frown or serious look.

Rules for the Listener:

• Listening is a crucial component of good communication. Listening is a gift you can give to your spouse and a practical way to show honor to your spouse. Listening involves more than just hearing the words your spouse is saying, it involves being in-tune with the various messages being sent through words, body language, tone of voice, etc. Active listening is a skill that can be developed and honed with practice over time.
• Paraphrase what you hear. After the Speaker has given you a few sentences, repeat back what you heard him or her say in your own words. The goal is to acknowledge you were listening and demonstrate you received the message accurately. You can start a paraphrase by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is . . .,” or “It sounds like . . .”
• Remember when you are in the Listener role, it is not the time for you to refute the Speaker’s message or offer your own opinions or thoughts. You will have the opportunity to share how you think and feel when you are the Speaker. Your job is to let the Speaker know (1) you heard what he/she said and (2) what was said registered in your brain. It is important to attempt to understand your spouse’s perspective before trying to respond or solve a conflict (Prov. 18:13).

COMMUNICATION & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Levels of Communication:

Communication occurs on different levels. As the levels progress, an in-creasing amount of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy is required. The type and depth of communication which occurs between spouses helps define the kind of relationship they will have. Superficial communication may be appropriate with a store clerk, but in marriage, a deeper level is required. There are, of course, times when communication in marriage needs to be about logistics and surface-level information. However, personal, intimate communication will lead to a deepening marital relationship.

To be known by your spouse and to know your spouse intimately is one of the greatest blessings of marriage. Because this level of communication is difficult for some people, couples must have a firm foundation of trust and honesty for intimacy to grow. Different levels of communication are listed below:

• “Just the facts”: This level of communication involves sharing facts or information and requires the least amount of vulnerability and intimacy. This kind of communication is most frequent overall and is done with a wide variety of people. Examples include talking about the weather or your schedule for the day.
• “I think”: This level of communication involves sharing your own thoughts on the ideas and opinions of other people. At this level, little of oneself is disclosed. Examples include discussing what a family member shared at a recent gathering or sharing your thoughts on the news of the day.
• “Sharing”: Sharing your own ideas and opinions occurs at this level. A greater amount of openness is involved in this type of communication as you reveal your own thoughts about a situation or circumstance. An example of communication at this level is sharing about a current personal struggle or asking for advice.
• “Mutual sharing”: Intimacy is increased at this level as you both share personal preferences, beliefs, concerns, and experiences. Talking about your personal struggles, memories, goals, etc. together occurs at this level. Here, a couple can work together to resolve the issues they face.
• “This is me”: A complete opening up of yourself occurs at level five. Here, you share inner feelings, fears, preferences, and emotional expressions of the heart. Not only does conversing at this level help a couple become more intimate, but it is also beneficial when discussing disagreements, making decisions, or sharing concerns. Issues can be worked through most effectively when both spouses can share their thoughts and feelings in an open atmosphere that is bathed in love and respect.

The Importance of Self-Disclosure:

Research has revealed that couples who disclose their thoughts and feelings to each other tend to be more satisfied with their relationship. In addition, spouses tend to match each other’s level of disclosure. Therefore, if one spouse is not disclosing much personal information, over time the other spouse may start withholding information as well. It is very important to provide an environment where you both can regularly open up to one another in positive, honest ways.

PERSONALITY & COMMUNICATION

Spouses often differ in the quality and quantity of communication they are used to giving and receiving. Understanding one another’s personality can help to shed light on the way each spouse communicates. One simple way of discerning communication style is by looking at the amount one talks: Expanders and Condensers.

• Expanders: Expanders are people who tend to talk more than others. They elaborate, give detailed, lengthy descriptions, and have a dislike of silence. Condensers who do not provide as much information when talking may frustrate expanders.
• Condensers: Condensers are people who do not talk as much and often do not include a lot of detail in their conversations. They prefer an efficient use of words and tend to stick to the main points or the “bottom line” when communicating. A Condenser may become overwhelmed by the Expander’s seemingly excessive use of words.

Combinations of Expander-Condenser couples

• Expander-Condenser couples: Respect and compromise is necessary. The Condenser may need to try to include more detail in his or her communication and may need to build a tolerance for listening to a talkative personality. Conversely, the Expander may need to learn when he/she needs to leave out extra details and give a shortened version of the story. An Expander may also need to learn to be satisfied with less detail and to build tolerance for silence.
• Expander-Expander couples: When both spouses are Expanders, they are likely to enjoy frequent and lively discussions. However, this pattern is also likely to lead to situations in which there are two Speakers and no Listeners. Be intentional about learning to be a good listener and taking turns speaking and listening.
• Condenser-Condenser couples: When both spouses are Condensers, they are likely to have pleasant conversations that are more specific and to the point. However, there is also a tendency for these individuals to not bring up things that need to be discussed. At times, Condenser-Condenser couples need to push themselves to be more open.

COMMUNICATION TIPS

In marriage, you cannot not communicate

Communication will occur even without the use of words. Silence, for example, is a powerful communicator. It can mean several different things: contentment, anger, dissatisfaction, etc. While knowing when to “hold your tongue” is important, silence, in general, is an ineffective problem solver. It leaves space for another person to add his or her own interpretation to words and body language, which may or may not be correct. While desiring time to think and pray before talking through an issue is reasonable, giving your spouse “the silent treatment” is hurtful and can even be emotionally abusive. If you are ever wondering what your spouse is trying to communicate through actions or silences, use appropriate assertiveness and ask for clarification.

Choosing your words wisely

Words have the power to build up and to destroy. You must communicate in ways that enhance and build up your marriage (Prov. 25:11). Grace and truth should be joined together in communication, meaning we need to speak the truth, but do it lovingly. Too strong of an emphasis on truth without grace and love may lead to harsh, insensitive statements. Conversely, trying to be loving but avoiding the truth can be just as counterproductive.

Healthy Communication: Love Clarity Honor Honesty Respect Self-control Sensitivity Understanding

Unhealthy Communication: Criticizing Nagging Quarreling Fault-finding Comparing your spouse to others Being defensive Being emotionally withholding Lying

Questions to ask yourself before you speak:

• “Am I under control?”
• “Am I speaking the truth in love?”
• “Will what I’m about to say help or hurt?”
• “Is this the right time and place to say what needs to be said?”

Become a student of your spouse’s communication style

Everyone communicates using certain rules and styles they learned through interactions with friends and family. Learning each other’s style of communication in marriage takes time and effort; however, you must make the effort to understand how to communicate together clearly. Learn how to talk so your spouse can best listen and understand and focus on building communication skills. Research indicates that having positive expectations about marriage does not predict a couple will do well. Rather, higher relationship satisfaction is seen when a couple has positive expectations about marriage in combination with having good communication skills to help them interact.

Some people find it easier to open up than others do. This is often due to differences in personalities, families of origin, and life experiences. For example, some people have experienced hurt in their lives that make it difficult to discuss personal issues. Other times, individuals simply have not had healthy models that taught them how to communicate. If you have a spouse who finds communication difficult, be patient with him or her and encourage them to open up in small bits. Trying to share “too much, too fast” often causes people to “shut down.” If you are a person that finds communication difficult, take it slow, but continue to take steps forward. Do not allow yourself to stay emotionally “closed off” to your spouse.

Becoming aware of the nonverbal messages you send is also very wise. Underneath nonverbal communication are personal qualities that play a large role in determining the effectiveness and success of your communication. Developing the three following qualities is as important as learning communication skills.

• Warmth: Demonstrating to your spouse you accept him/her.
• Genuineness and authenticity: Revealing your true self and not putting up a “front.”
• Empathy: Understanding things from your spouse’s perspective; seeking to understand both the thoughts and feelings he or she is experiencing.

Honoring in public and discretion with others

Complimenting your spouse in public and sharing genuine praise can be a way to encourage, honor, and bless your spouse. It is not appropriate to criticize or tear down your spouse in public. Even if your intent may be to “poke fun,” public criticism can cause deep hurts. You should also avoid sharing private personal information about your marriage or your spouse with others (e.g., talking about your sexual relationship, etc.) with the exception of when issues may require professional intervention. This can cause embarrassment and lead to difficulty with trust in your marriage.

COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

1. Give priority to spending time together with God.
2. Be a good listener.
3. Be open and honest, but with great sensitivity to the other’s feelings.
4. Be a good listener.
5. Develop habits of courtesy, kindness, and gentleness in speech and actions.
6. Verbal or physical abuse should not be tolerated in marriage.
7. Again,be a good listener!
8. Don’t be judgmental. Focus on the other’s strengths rather than weaknesses.
9. Don’t be a bored listener.
10. Don’t ridicule your mate.
11. Don’t give orders.
12. Don’t over-correct or nag.
13. Don’t use the silent treatment when you are angry. This can be abusive.
14. Don’t interrupt.
15. Don’t accumulate grievances.
16. When you think you have listened enough, listen a little longer.
17. Try to understand the feelings behind what your spouse is saying, and be considerate of them.
18. Repeat back what you believe you heard your spouse say (i.e., the “mirroring” technique).

For further information, including couple questions, exercises and references, please see the full document.

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For Further Information:

Validation Podcast: A Key to Deescalating Tense Emotion in Personal Interactions
Sometimes interactions are charged with emotion. Often, we react to the escalation only to make it worse. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer helps us let the steam out of the charged moment so we can have rational dialogue. The key to doing this is called “validation.”

A Lasting Promise: The Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage  (2nd Edition)  
Authors: Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, Milton Bryan
This 352-page book teaches practical communication, conflict resolution, and problem solving skills within a Christian framework. The 2nd edition is filled with teaching from scripture, couple exercises at the end of each chapter, as well as the latest research on marriage. This book can be helpful to young couples just starting their relationship and for married couples who are having marital conflict.

Communication: Key to your Marriage 
Author: H. Norman Wright
This is a resource for couples to help understand each other at new and deeper levels. Ideal for married and pre-married couples, counselors, lay counselors, mentors, and pastors.

 

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