A Guide to Marriage Counseling

Marriage is a covenant relationship designed to reflect the relationship between Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:22-33). This is an aspirational calling for all couples – while no couple will ever perfectly reflect this relationship, we do well to remember that struggling marriages have an impact beyond the couple themselves. Marriages are a type or reflection of a much deeper truth and reality (Ephesians 5:32). Shepherding couples more clearly to reflect this eternal relationship can be rewarding and challenging. It is important and meaningful work, but one that needs to be bathed in prayer with guidance from the Holy Spirit.  

There is a model of couples therapy referred to as Hope Focused Couples Therapy. The model is based on Galatians 5:6b “but faith which worketh by love.”  The idea is that relationships improve by three key ingredients: 1) faith (which points to hope for relational change); 2) work (takes effort and intentionality) and 3) love. Having these in mind to guide you as you work with couples can be helpful in supporting them in change.  

This guide is not intended to be exhaustive, but rather a supplement related to working with couples. A more inclusive approach would be to encourage you to complete the Basic Counseling Course prior to working with couples. This course will provide you with helpful principles and skills not covered in this guide.   

Mindset: How do I do it? 

All of us like a good story. At times in working with a couple we can get caught up in the details of a “story” (referred to as “content”) and miss the drama playing out in front of us or within us (referred to as the “process”). The 4 Things to Watch for in the Couple video will provide you with four important areas to be mindful of in working with a couple. It is easy to get lost in all that is going on within and between a couple. This video provides you with some anchors to help focus your attention on important areas.  

We are created as relational beings with the ability to connect at a deep level with others and be impacted deeply by others. How we show up in meetings with couples impacts the way they respond and interact. Our “stance” or emotional presence with the couple can limit or encourage dialogue or openness. This is not intended to add pressure but encourage us in the opportunity. Growth in self-awareness as you work with couples can be an important aspect of effectively helping couples. The 4 Things to Watch for in Myself video provides you with some helpful ways to grow in staying present and responsive.  

One of the most important things to share with those seeking help is hope! This is especially true during beginning visits since God-honoring change is difficult. Often couples seeking help are in distress and their hope is wavering and at times shattered. As Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Remind them that God is with them in their problems and actively working for their good and for his glory (Romans 8:28-29).  

As a helper, you have an opportunity to point them toward the lighthouse amid the storm – while also accepting that it may take time to see improvement. Gently show them that Christ has answers even when we don’t. He is our hope (2 Corinthians 1:3-10). True biblical hope is based on the promises of God (Psalm 130:5). Be careful not to presume how God’s promises will be fulfilled, but we can trust him and cling to him when hope in other things fails (i.e., your spouse will change). Finally, it is important we don’t equate God’s promise to the relationship getting better. We are not promised the absence of struggles but the presence of God amid our struggles (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5).  

Information Gathering – Skillset: What do I do?  

Working with couples in distress is challenging. At times it can feel chaotic and out of control. There is a lot happening in the room as you meet with a distressed couple (both within and between spouses). The dynamic environment can lead to losing your focus as a people helper. Therefore, it can be helpful to have some anchors to guide your focus and attention. The initial phase of working with a couple involves information gathering. This 4-minute video, 5 Questions for the Initial Meeting, will give you questions to provide you with helpful information about the couple as you do your work with them.  

An important aspect of information gathering is goal setting. Providing a shared vision with realistic expectations is critical to developing a strong and understanding counseling relationship. If there is not a shared vision or clear goals, you risk leaving the couple more frustrated and discouraged. At times, identifying the goals for marriage counseling can be as simple as asking, “what are your goals for marriage counseling?” While at other times you may need to ask different questions. Below are some alternative questions that can be helpful in leading a discussion to identify specific, clearly defined goals.  

• How would your relationship be different if meeting with me was helpful? What would there be more of? Less of? (At times, distressed couples may respond to such questions in unhelpful ways. For example, a husband may respond by saying, “I want my wife to be less argumentative and more kind.” It is important in such cases to stay with the husband and ask, “If your wife was more kind, how would you respond?” Doing so places the responsibility back on the husband to look at ways he can change regardless of how his wife responds.)  
  • At times, responses to the above questioning can provide you with some possible assignments to give to the couple. For example, if the couple shares that expressing more words of affirmation would mean success, then encourage them to intentionally express words of affirmation (daily) over the next couple of weeks.  
  • Seek to drill down on vague answers. For example, often couples will say their goal is to improve communication. This is too general. Consider following up to understand specifics – does this mean they would speak with softer tone, increase active listening, etc.?  

In general, it can be helpful to consider three main shifts couples will need to make to strengthen their relationship. These shifts are considered in order: 1) Decrease unhealthy conflict and escalation (Proverbs 15:4); 2) Increase affection and sense of care for one another (Romans 12:10); 3) Increase healthy and effective ways to manage ongoing conflict (James 1:19). This lens can be helpful as you consider goal setting with the couple. 

When do I Refer to Professional Counseling? 

There may be situations where marriage counseling is more effectively addressed by a professional Christian counselor. Below are some things to consider as you think about if or when to refer a couple for professional counseling: 

1. Possible Harm.
   • Thoughts of harm to self or others. 
   • Engaging in highly risky behavior (impulsive spending, illegal activities, etc.).  
   • Struggling with ongoing addiction or severe mental illness.  
   • Ongoing abuse of any type.  
2. Level of Distress 
   • There is intense and ongoing mental and emotional anguish.  
   • One or both spouses have difficulty coping with or tolerating distress.  
   • There has been significant betrayal/s or injuries in the relationship.  
3. Level of Functioning 
   • Unable to complete daily responsibilities.  
   • Unable to adequately care for self / other.  
4. Little to no improvement in relationship after ongoing meetings.  

Conclusion   

Helping couples can be highly rewarding work. It can also be challenging and discouraging at times. The principles in the mindset section can help you know what to look for in the drama – a place where it is so easy to get lost. Additionally, the skillset section can provide you with anchors to help keep your footing as you shepherd this couple through distress. Measuring success by how many couples are helped has potential to perpetuate discouragement. It will be important as a people helper to keep your focus rooted in Christ (Colossians 2:6-7), reflecting him to those he puts in your care.  

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