Five Keys to Working through Loss Webinar

Okay, so welcome again, and thanks for joining us on this webinar, Five Keys for Working Through Loss. So, Ted, as we think about this conversation, this is a very common experience. In fact, I was thinking, it’s probably a true statement that all of us in some way will experience loss in our lives, and yet within that reality, there is a great variety of what that means and I really appreciated all of the comments, questions, and just experiences that I know many of you have walked through as you shared ahead of time in registration. 

And we’re coming to this webinar from different places with different questions, with different experiences, and with different emotions going on. But we would like to provide some general encouragement and thoughts around what this means. So, Ted, any introductory thoughts before we get into the five keys or aspects of working through loss that you’d like to share? 

Yep. I think what you said is right on Arlan, that loss is really a universal experience. How it is experienced and what causes it there are so many different ways. But I think one of the things is that understanding that grief is the natural response to a loss. And then we have to figure out what to do with that. 

And really grieving is about how we deal with the reality of that loss and the fact that it’s a loss. Most of the time it is something we didn’t want. Now, sometimes there are differences around that, but we’re trying to accommodate or adapt to a reality that is painful, unwanted, or is just different than our sense of what we’d say is ideal. Right. I really appreciate how you just framed that up, Ted, because it’s so true. And yet it’s just so complex within that trueness that this is dealing with that gap between what is and what we wish would be. And the emotions and the reality of our experience go through that Scripture there on the side. 

I love this piece because just as we know that loss is somewhat a universal human experience, we also know that the God we serve is a universal experience. And he promises that when we mourn, we can be comforted, we will be comforted. So, there is also that universalness of knowing that God is near us and present with us in the midst of this pain. 

I think even the fact that Scripture in Isaiah talks about Messiah being a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He experienced lots of different things, but he experienced some of the things that we understand as well. And I appreciate that. Yeah. Let’s walk into these five keys. 

Our talks can be centered around this. We’ve got five different areas acknowledging the reality of loss, allowing time and grace, leaning into community, lamenting before God, and then the contrast between healthy grief, if there can be such a thing, and prolonged grief. There is an important contrast to bringing out there with this lens today. And so, we’re going to walk into these five, one after another. And like I said before, if there are questions that emerge, feel free to put them into the chat. But we will try to leave some time at the end to get into this. So, the first one we’ve already touched on, but let’s go deeper with this. 

Acknowledging the reality that there will be loss in our lives, but as that first point shows that not all loss is the same. Speaking about that, just some of the nuances that we can see and the variety of these losses. Yep. The reality of loss is what a loss is. And the factors around it are part of what make it a challenge. 

So, if you think about it, there’s the context of what the loss is and how it occurred and those kinds of things. And then there are our individual ways we cope with that. So, one of the things when we look at acknowledging the reality, some things are public, some are private. I mean, it’s one of those things that there are internal losses and many times they’re never acknowledged publicly. Some things like a death where we have a funeral and a visitation. Other loss might be very private.  

And so, when you think about some losses are very tangible versus ambiguous. When we look at ambiguous loss, death of a dream, unmet expectations losses of roles and things like that. They’re very real and impactful. But sometimes it’s hard for us to put our finger on it. Some losses are very sudden and acute. Okay. They’re the shock loss of somebody dying in a heart attack or something being destroyed. Boom, just like that. 

And then other losses are ongoing, chronic, or deteriorating losses. And so, a classic example of this is dementia, where there are losses along the way and there are losses of different aspects of a relationship even though a person is still living. And so, those are examples of those kinds of things. 

One of the things we also look at then is really what is the loss in terms of the centrality of it related to our attachment. Okay? How closely attached are we? And we look at that, like, how much do we rely on this person as a stable base or were they key in our life or those kinds of things. The other is identity. How much is it a part of how we see ourselves and who we are to other people? So, just to build off that one, Ted, so when you think about the loss of a spouse, which for many years it’s been Arlan and Katie, right? You put us together, or Ted and Donna, and then when one half of that’s gone, there are layers upon layers of loss that we feel. 

I really appreciate what you shared. Some are public, some are private, some are known, some are not known. I think sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to recognize some of those more ambiguous or less public type losses as really loss. And we have to grieve through those things, in some context, and walk through the same emotions as if we had a very public tangible type loss. So, they are not all the same. And so, when we think of things like miscarriage or infertility or we think about someone who desires to be married and that’s not happening. 

There are lots of different places where that could happen and the experience of person A and person B related to that might be and oftentimes is quite different. Yeah. So, I think this next point actually is really critical. You know, we’ve talked about you and me, that this is a really important point that we really would like to have our loss be static. But the reality is that loss is much more dynamic. Or cascades of emotions. Sometimes we talk about waves of emotions that come and go out of the blue. Sometimes, later on, when you think you’re past it, then something reminds you or triggers you. Speak to what you’ve seen or just your own experience, like how do we approach this thought about dynamic loss and navigating that? 

So, our wish is that our loss would be static. It’s kind of like this. Okay, I have a loss. I deal with it. I don’t have loss. I almost fixed it, right? And then move on. I fixed it. You know what? I either have it or I don’t. It’s there or it’s not. I’ve either dealt with it or I haven’t. 

And so, it’s very much a thing that’s like a quantity. It’s like having five pounds of loss and I have dealt with five pounds of loss and it’s on that shelf. Loss isn’t that way. And in fact, it’s more like a grief ball. It’s more dynamic. If you picture this ball of yarn here and see these different emotions. And it’s like a ball that’s moving. Okay. It’s not static. It’s not just fixed. The other thing is there are waves, not a straight line. What we wish is to feel sad and straight line down to I don’t feel sad.  

It tends to come in layers, meaning you can deal with a part of it at some time, and then a new chapter of life happens or something, and then it can be refreshed. And so, you oftentimes see this for example. Take a child who’s been adopted at age five and they may be excited as can be, that they’ve been adopted into a family. But at age 15, they’re trying to figure out the loss of a birth parent and why, and all those things. And then later, when they’re getting married or having their own children, they go through it again. So, these layers sometimes are things that have to be, be acknowledged and dealt with as well. 

And sometimes I think too, just to build on that, a more recent loss might harken back or remind about something in the past. Yeah. You almost feel like you’re on the outside watching and feel like you’re overreacting to something. But really what’s happening is those layers are coming back or that past hurt is reopened a little bit. 

I think people are really confused by that. When I thought I dealt with it and if you treat it as static, like I thought I dealt with it, but it’s back. So, evidently, I didn’t deal with it. I would just remind people that with thinking up through the lens of dynamic waves and layers, it doesn’t mean that there is no hope or there’s no healing or there’s no way to go forward. 

We’re going to talk about that. It’s very important because, but I think one of the things is sometimes people will measure it, like based on whether they cry or not. Oh, there was a sermon and that song just hit me today and I cried. I guess I’m not doing very well. That’s not necessarily a good indicator that grief is at a good place or not. 

Now, if it’s years down the road and they’re stuck and they’re not moving on and they’re crippled by their grief, then we want to get them help to work through that. But we shouldn’t be surprised about the dynamic nature of it. Absolutely Ted, I really appreciate that.  

The imagery that has been helpful for me is this idea of waves and if you just picture that idea of being in the ocean and maybe in choppy seas, and the waves come at you, and if you try to fight against those waves, they’re going to wear you down and they’re going to beat you down. But if you ride with them, if you accept them and ride with the waves it is just a very different experience. And so, it’s an encouragement I think that we need to just recognize this dynamic nature of loss and not be surprised when those waves hit. 

Now at the bottom of some of these pages you’ll see some resources with links, and these links will be on the webpage where the recording of this webinar will eventually reside. But these would be links to other resources we have on the website to speak deeper. So, this grief and emotions article on our website speaks deeper into this grief ball and what that means. 

Let’s go on to the next one then. It really ties in with this acknowledgement of your reality. But give yourself time and grace to walk through these different phases. We’ll get into phases with this discussion. Ted, go where you want to with this idea. 

We want to think there’s a right way to grieve and the reality is we get stuck if we try to oversimplify it, perhaps. Yeah. Oh, we want terribly not to hurt. Okay. I mean, that’s the thing. We want to know when it’s going to stop. Okay. And so, we want to know the fastest way between point A and point B. 

Understandably so. And while there’s no one right way to grieve, there are certainly things that make it healthier or less healthy. You know, if somebody, becomes very isolated, internalized, and bitter or of that nature and then starts drinking, for example, as opposed to someone who deals with grief and then figures out that they want to go to a grief share group or they want to read a book, or they just want to walk along with a friend. 

So, we encourage people to be patient with themselves and with others. And recognize that our willingness to participate in the journey of grief often rises and falls. And, you know, that imagery that Arlan talked about, like, realizing that the waves are going to come and riding them up and down. Sometimes we’re just sick of the waves. Okay. It’s just like we’re mad and frustrated. Like, just stop. I don’t want any waves. And why now? And then other times, even in counseling, we’ll be working with somebody, and it’ll be, okay, it’s time for us to start working through this. 

Somebody’s ready. Okay, I’m ready to deal with that thing. And so, there’s a readiness factor. How do you know as you’re working with people or listening to people? What are some of the things that you hear to know? That’s good. So, this leads right into why understanding the phase or where they’re at in a grieving process is so important. Because if somebody is in the time of bereavement, the shorter time period right after a loss of a person, then we’re focused much more on practical matters and support and trying to get through various things versus if somebody is working through the meaning of something or dealing with yearning or dealing with some of the sadness. Sometimes people are a place where they’re wrestling with a spiritual thing. 

And so, here’s the interesting thing, if somebody has questions about why did God let this happen? We’re going to be upfront there. If it’s in the first week after somebody passed away, we’re going to listen. It’s not the time to give all kinds of answers about, oh, this is why. And in fact, we want to be very careful about why this happened or whatever. 

But later on, there might be times when people are doing some spiritual wrestling or even seeking comfort. So, I think understanding the phase is really important. And as we go in that, I think to remember that there are a number of models of grief and each of them have their strengths and weaknesses. 

We’re going to show you one. I call them guides to be flexibly applied. Okay. And sometimes it’s helpful to know where we’re generally at in the map. But I think the other part is to be careful about saying this is the right map, or I’m wrong because I’m not feeling it. 

Exactly. Right. So, you highlight that risk of comparison. Well, somebody else experienced it this way, so this is how I should experience that. But I also heard you say, Ted, you’re listening for yourself, if you’re walking through it for your own self-talk and your own thinking patterns. 

But perhaps somebody else is listening as you process through things, you’re looking for some movement or just different language, different questions. Yep. Let’s jump into that. So, here’s a common grief cycle model. You have the loss, then protest, despair, detachment, acceptance, and we’ll go through those in the next slide in a little bit more detail. Those bottom three. But Ted, before we switch off this page, there’s a dark line here going from detachment to protest. Just speak about that or maybe how we should look at this model as an example.  

So, one of the things that is very common when people read phase models, they’ll oftentimes think of it as I’m here at phase one, or I’m at two and now I’m at three. And then they’ll find themselves back dealing with something in phase two again. Or then, wait a minute, I think that’s phase five. And they’ll feel like they’re supposed to be on a step when they’re not or they’re going backwards or forwards. I like this circular model because I think it represents something that’s very common for us that we find these different thoughts and feelings reemerge at different times. 

And if you think of it that way, then it’s not as confusing. It doesn’t necessarily feel good when you find yourself pulled back in the detachment phase and all of a sudden, you’re feeling frustrated with this or don’t want this or these different things and it feels like despair. 

But here’s the other part. Going through this, you might find yourself having pieces of hope and acceptance and these other things too. And so, what I like about it is it helps people know that they’re normal. I often show my clients that grief ball and I say to them, can you see yourself anywhere in this grief ball? And they look at me and they say, yeah. And I say, then that means you’re normal. Okay. This is the normal experience. So, if we go to that we won’t read all the different things. If you think about it though, the protest phase is just dealing with the reality of the loss, the more surprised we are by it, the more there’s shock, confusion, and denial.  

If somebody has been in the nursing home for a long time and they’ve been in hospice and non-responsive for weeks you know it’s coming and those kinds of things. But at protest phase, there’s just something about it. The finality of loss just gets us. And so, the other thing to remember is we often talk about loss as just the emotion of it, but there are thoughts about emotions and loss. Our physical body reacts to loss. And so, it’s very common for people to have all kinds of physical symptoms around loss. 

And so, just understand it’s a whole person kind of thing. The despair phase is what comes when we have to deal with the reality of the loss. We just don’t like it. We don’t want it sometimes, then we’re confused because we both want it and don’t want it. And that’s when we talk about mixed emotions. 

It’s a relief that dad passed away because he is not in pain anymore. He’s in heaven, but he should be here. It’s this back and forth. And so, we get those mixed emotions. I would tell you that this is a personal belief, but I think most of the time we are always experiencing some degree of mixed emotions. It’s rare that we have one pure emotion and no others with it. I think what happens, we notice mixed emotions when the tone of those emotions is very different. When hope and relief are tied with loss and pain. Sure.  

Lastly, that detachment phase down there. After you hurt or deal with loss, you may be ready to be around people. At other times people are just kind of bland or flat for a while and it will just take some time. Sometimes we’re afraid. When people find out about our situation, sometimes we’re afraid of what people are going to say because they don’t know what to say. Or sometimes people, well-meaning, will rush to give advice. Okay. Yeah. And that can push us away. Yeah. You’re saying it can push away and I will tell you about my little plug for how to handle visitation lines and that is to say less. Okay. You want to know what I as a minister, an elder, and a psychologist say most of the time when I’m in a visitation line? I love you. I’m praying for you. And I just feel zero desire to explain it all away.  

Okay. And if it’s a happy time, we’re glad that so and so is in heaven, I might say that we’re thankful for the reality of heaven, aren’t we? Yeah. But I don’t say a lot. So, that lens of helper, Ted, is a really important thing. We are bouncing a little bit here between personal experience, but then also think about how we support others. Most of us in our life will have some level of supporting others as well. But having that lens of just recognizing that individuals are at different places experiencing different levels of emotion from protest, despair, detachment, withdrawal.  

And then thinking through how do we walk with them through that? Yeah. I think what can be helpful to realize if you’re walking through a grief cycle, I can think of a personal experience in the past where someone just gently was like, you know, I wonder, it seems like we’re cycling here a little bit, right? 

Because they could hear the language going over and over and over again and gently with relationship and it wasn’t out of the blue or out of nowhere. They’re just like, I wonder if we’re just recycling the same sub cycle over and over, which was really helpful in that case for me to say, yeah, you know what, I’m not moving to acceptance or to that next place. 

Not pushing, but just that gentle nudge which comes from listening to the different types of emotions and questions that are going on there. Yeah. I will also say that some people, as they’re processing their loss, want people to acknowledge it and they’ll be wondering why is nobody acknowledging it? 

Yeah. And other people will be at a place like, why does everybody keep bringing it up to me over and over again? And so, as helpers, that’s hard. And you know what, sometimes the closer a person is to you, the more you can just generally ask them, what’s the best way I can be helpful to you. The further you are outside of somebody’s support system; the occasional encouragement is good and just letting them know that you’re there. 

But the other thing I would say if you’re a grieving person, sometimes you have to think about how close that other person is to you, and how much you want to share because sometimes people are like, oh, I want to know your story, and you’ve told the story a lot of times. And it’s really okay to give them just the high-level details. You don’t owe anybody the inside of your story. The flip side is that isolation can be a deep problem. So, I was going to say, you’re jumping right into the third point, this whole idea of community, like how do we navigate community isolation versus community? 

What’s the balance there? Yep. So, Ted, you were speaking to this idea that the closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to be able to share into their life. Yep. What other principles are there as we think about isolation versus community both from those who may be walking through it and those who are helping others? 

Yes. Because it’s a personal experience and some people are more internal processors, and it’s going to be a very private thing and that’s okay. The type of loss and your personality will feature into this sometimes. I think one of the things is that we need each other to remind of God’s faithfulness. But remember not to use the promise of God’s faithfulness to equal that there isn’t a grief process. Because we don’t want to say, hey, because God is faithful, don’t feel your emotions. At the same time, I love the Scripture that talks about us as believers, we don’t have to grieve as unbelievers do. Okay. Right. We don’t grieve as those who have no hope. 

Yeah. And so, we have something there. As we get into lament, the next group of slides we’re going to talk about, the fact that we have to hold both of these things as true. But it is a beautiful thing when family and friends come alongside to just to lift up our arms. And I think the other thing is this part about the gentle accountability to continue our journey is the two things we’re trying to balance. One is when we’ve sustained a loss or we’re coping with it, the question is sometimes I want to push past it and I want to just get back into life and I don’t want to have to feel it. 

So, it’s like I don’t want to get stuck, and so I’m going to move as fast as I can. And so, we almost push ourselves beyond what we can sustain. That’s one end of it. The other end is sometimes people will want to wait to feel like grief is done, or like they’re completely ready in order to try to move forward. 

The problem with that is it’s a long time coming. Okay. You’re probably never going to feel like you’re fully ready. There’s always going to be a little bit of a step there. Yeah. And so, one of the things we’re trying to realize is the tension that there’s a personal pacing between these two things. 

And so, sometimes some of us are going to need to get out and go to that thing again, even though I’m not quite feeling the same about it. You know? And at the same time not to feel like you’re supposed to go from this side to this side and pretend like it didn’t happen. 

I also have a note about community, and we were talking about this, and I think there will be times when often those who are experiencing loss will have to forgive or shed some hurt about comments that people made that they didn’t even know were insensitive while trying to be helpful. 

I’m sure I’ve done it. So, if you’re in the audience and you’re going, well, Ted, you know, I think we all have, and I’m saying it hits harder when our emotions are raw. Right. You know, so there is a place for forbearance and forgiveness. And then again, that’s hard because those are not easy things to do. And yet we’re being called to work through those things while we’re also grieving through things.  

You know, on the next slide we talk a little bit about helpers. I’m going to jump to the middle, then we can go back up to the top. But that’s why the ministry of presence is powerful. Sometimes just showing up, just being near a person can be a really powerful aspect. And then Ted, I want you to explain it out. What I heard you say in the last slide, which I think is so important, is our community is going to look a little bit different. 

And again, we can fall into that comparison trap to say, this has to be someone exactly like what I’ve gone through. I want to walk just like they did. Or it has to be this certain type like what this other person experienced. The reality is, what’s important I think, is that we have people we let into our lives who can somewhat relate to the idea of loss, and then they gently and lovingly just walk with us on that journey. 

Is that a fair way to say it? It is, and it is helpful when you know that somebody else gets it and you have a kinship because you know they get it. That can be really helpful. And I want to just say that’s the power of support groups. The power of somebody else who has lost a child. Somebody else who has dealt with infertility, somebody else who has gone through losing roles or identity. They had a role or identity and now they don’t. Something changed in their employment, whether they retired or whether they had a business loss or it changed or whatever. 

Those kinds of things rock us around and somebody else who gets it is helpful. The flip side is sometimes people only seek support from people who have had the exact same experience that they had. That’s a trap we don’t want to fall into. We don’t want to fall into that because you accidentally cut yourself off from broader support. 

Again, I’m not trying to say that everybody has the same experience. In fact, Arlan, I know you lost your dad a couple of years ago. When I lose my dad someday, we’re going to share that experience. I will now know what it is for a father to lose a father. But it’s going to be different though, because I won’t have lost your father and you won’t have lost mine. And so, the point to that is that at the same time, there’s still comfort. So, the thing is empathy. It’s about having enough understanding of and room for. It doesn’t necessarily mean exactly the same. The ministry of presence is about showing up.  

I would just say remember that doesn’t always mean we’re talking about loss. And in fact, some of the time what you can give to people is the blessing of just normalcy, the blessing of sometimes they just want to hear about your life.  

And I have one other thing here about prayers for and prayers with a grieving person. One of the things is that prayer and spiritual support is so important, and we can do that as a church body individually, but you know what, sometimes when people are really hurting, they just don’t have words or they’re just not able and it can feel really comforting just to pray with them. 

And so sometimes, I’m praying for you. And that’s good. Don’t stop doing that. But the other thing is, it’s really okay to just stop and have a little prayer and it’s a way to accompany people. I really appreciate what you shared there, Ted. And just what I’m hearing is the balance there. You know, as one who is walking through loss, be willing to lean into a level of community and watch those tendencies towards isolation that could be there. Yeah. But then as those who maybe are supporting someone walking through loss, be wise about how we do that and being just sensitive, present, and supportive. 

I want to highlight a couple of resources here. The first one, we have just recently revised our grief course on our website pretty heftily. It’s called Making Peace with Our Pain and Loss. You can find it on the Learning Connection course platform, which you can get from AC Central or off our website. 

But it’s an excellent resource of just a series of discussion and reflective lessons to walk through. You could do it individually, but it would be ideal to walk it through it with a small group of individuals whether you’ve all experienced loss or whether it’s that helper/helpee type relationship. It can be a powerful resource available there. And then of course there’s grief support groups out there and there’s grief share groups probably in most areas that you can find. Again, the discipline of being willing when you’re ready. But it’s probably going to be a little bit of a step always. 

But when you’re ready to enter into community around this can be a very healthy step. One last thing about that, Arlan, I’m just going to say as a therapist, when I’m working with somebody, I oftentimes recommend either the new updated grief course or grief share support group. And then the other thing is sometimes people will want a workbook or a grief book, and I’ll oftentimes have them go through it with another person. It’s not wrong to do it on your own, but having a witness and a companion as we go through it can be really helpful.  

Let’s go to Lament. Yeah. So, this is a little bit of a shift because this is actually a skill or a mindset. You almost say for someone who is walking through deep grief or pain, what does it mean to lament? And you’re hearing it more and more in Christian circles, and we have resources on our website. 

We have a podcast; we have an article that you can search and find. Ted, quickly just speak through what this concept of lament is, and then on the next slides we have an example of what it looks like. Yeah. You know, we would all say that it’s important to be able to pray and turn to God, but the question is, what do we do with raw pain and questions? 

And sometimes I will hear people say, well, I know I’m not supposed to ask God questions. And I know I’m not supposed to, whatever. And I will also say, you know what? I get where you’re coming from, and they’ll be in a lot of pain. I’ll say, have you ever heard of Lament? Because lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust, okay? And Scripture has many examples of this. There’s an entire book called Lamentations, but approximately one third of the Psalms are laments. Hannah lamented and some of the minor prophets lamented. 

And we oftentimes refer to a book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy. I like this. Lament is an honest cry of a hurting heart, wrestling with the paradox of pain and the promises of God’s goodness. And right there in the Psalms are great examples of this, where they’re saying, my enemies are against me or God, why is this okay? Why? And help me. And so, I really want people to understand what lament does and what God has done by cataloging lament for us is it gives us a model and even permission to turn toward God and talk to him about our raw emotion and questions. 

And so, here’s the pattern that you’ll sometimes see and if you ever look at a psalm and you see the first verse is really rough. And then by the end, they’re in a better place and you’re like, whoa, that was a big turn. Well, the reason is because that was a lament. 

So, here’s the pattern for a lament. And you can do this on your own. You’ll see this often in Scripture. First is to turn and address it to God. The focus of lament is toward God. So, we’re talking to him. The second is complaint. And you’re saying what Ted? I’m not supposed to complain to God. I think one of the things is what the complaint is, it’s pouring out our hurt to God. God can handle your questions. Okay? God can handle your hurt. God understands that you don’t understand. Okay. And so, the thing about it is it is saying, God, I don’t understand it. This hurts and I don’t think I’m going to make it, those kinds of things. Then the third step is a request or a petition. Sometimes it’s a big ask, God, if you don’t intervene in this, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Or, God, what about my hope.  

It’s really important to understand that the ask, what we oftentimes want is for God to make the hurt stop. And in a broken world, sometimes the hurt doesn’t stop. In that sense, we want this person to be healed and they’re not healed, okay? We want the business venture to be successful, and it’s not. Those are the things that happen in life. So, the ask is oftentimes, God, I’m not sure what to do if you don’t come through. So, come through for me somehow here. And then that expression of trust or praise. And it’s just being able to just say, okay, God, in the middle of this stuff, I’m going to take a step in that direction. 

Again, in this last statement, Christians affirm that the world is broken and God is powerful and he will be faithful. So, we know in our head knowledge the world is broken. God is powerful. He said he is going to be faithful to his people. Therefore, lament stands in the gap between the pain and the promise, the pain of this present world, and when all things are set right, and that’s what it does. 

So, if you look at the next slide, I really appreciate how you laid that out. Here’s an example. Psalm 13, and I’ll go quickly through this, but this will be in the slide deck you can reference. So, the whole thing is a psalm of David turning towards God in the pain. But at the very beginning, this complaint, how long will you forsake me, Lord? Forever? Will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall my enemies be exalted over me? But just the, the rawness, the realness of how he speaks to his God. 

And then he is asking, consider me and hear me, oh Lord, my God, lighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy says I prevail against him. And those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. And then you see the turn, like you said, right? There’s a turn that takes place. But I have trusted in your mercy, my heart will rejoice in your salvation. 

I will sing unto the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me. So, you see the resting in the promise, but yet also being honest with the feelings. Because you read the first part and how can you say that he is dealing bountifully with him right at the very end? But that’s part of the whole process, I think. 

Right? Ted? I mean, just the whole experience of lamenting. And I think one of the things that I want to say is that sometimes people are a little bit unsure about this but one of the things is that doing this with the Lord with somebody else and talking this through and doing this together is actually a practice of faith that is welcomed by God. And I think that it is a very healthy and healing process. It’s not a magic formula like saying a lament makes life not hurt. 

It’s not a formula. It’s a way to talk through those things with the Lord. And perhaps a step is to find a few of these lament psalms that are very near and dear and just re-read them daily or read them often and use them as part of your daily meditation. Because I think the risk can be that we remain in a place of perhaps denial of our emotions by being afraid that we can’t say certain things or we can’t bring things before the Lord in respectful realness.  

Yeah. And this can be an exercise to help that. Yeah. Sometimes we’re shocked with how open the Bible is about various things. Yeah. Just like some people are shocked by the openness of the imagery of the Song of Solomon. Yeah. We’re shocked in a different way by the level of rawness, sometimes the level of anger. Even asking the Lord to take out my enemy. I’m not even sure fully what to do with that all the time. I just know that God has invited us to at least read that and consider. 

Okay, thanks for this last one. We’ll walk through this last one here, but this just contrasts a little bit. It provides a lens to think about what is healthy versus what is prolonged grief. And Ted, we have about five minutes or so before we go towards questions but just walk through the main points here for us to think about, because this is a really important concept. 

Yes, it is. So, I’m going to use some language here and when we call it healthy grief, it means most people adjust to their losses over time and with perspective. And we have to be careful. We’re not trying to pathologize a person’s grief by telling you to grieve a certain way or it has to be in a certain step. 

What grief researchers and specialists do is look at healthy grief which is called usual continuing grief. Now, here’s the thing about usual continuing grief. It doesn’t mean that at that on this day, you never feel sad. The loss is real. It has impacted you, and therefore it does impact you. The question is about are we able to integrate the loss and continue in our life? Okay, studies show about 4% to 15% of bereaved adults, and this is talking more about somebody who’s lost a person, experienced symptoms of prolonged grief disorder. 

Now this is a relatively new diagnosis and there have been a lot of different thoughts and feelings about it because some people are like, oh, great, so now we’re going to diagnose people when they grieve. It’s not that. It’s very important to understand. That is not what it is, however, it’s a way to help identify when people are stuck and not being able to move forward and need some additional assistance. 

And this is really important. So, the emotional symptoms of prolonged grief disorder are exactly the same as what somebody has in healthy grief. The difference is that after at least a year, they’re still having nearly daily experiences of intense yearning, okay? And a bunch of these grief symptoms are preventing them from reintegrating into their life. So, please understand there is overlap, but the difference between prolonged grief disorder and usual continuing grief is both intensity and pervasiveness, along with the fact that they’re not moving into life. Healthy grief doesn’t mean though, that at one year and one day, I no longer feel sad. 

You may feel sad for over a period of time and years later you could have that wash up again. Remember dynamic layers? Yeah. So, let’s go into a little bit of that. So, here’s some of the diagnosis type level. Yeah. And so, this is more how a counselor thinks of it, but since I’m introducing a term that’s going to be new to some of you, I just wanted to lay that out. 

And first of all, we’re not talking about bereavement. We’re not talking about the time right after a loss. We’re talking about after some time has passed. And the other thing is they must have these symptoms nearly every day. So, let’s just, for a case example, say someone’s lost their spouse. And that was three years ago. Okay. And let’s say three years ago they lost their spouse, but now nearly every day, they still have not reengaged social groups and do things that they normally would. They’ve kind of frozen their life, and life stopped at this point. 

And they don’t have a sense of purpose or meaning afterwards. And they’ve become more isolated. And so, one of the things we’re not going to say is that person’s bad. We’re going to want to help them and be able to find ways to integrate in a way that they’re able to have a sense of hope, purpose, and meaning. 

That doesn’t mean the loss was not significant. I will say Arlan, that with prolonged grief disorder there are some things that make it more likely and some of the things that do that are when the loss itself was traumatic. Okay. The circumstances around it were emotional conflicts just around the loss itself. 

Another thing is what if somebody has sustained many losses and they’ve had a lot of wounding from that, sometimes it could just be the accumulation of losses that can lead to that. So, we’re going to recommend if somebody is worried about that or wonders, hey, is it this or this? Feel free to make a triage call with us or seek some counseling. Go to a support group. But, but again, we want to be very clear. We’re not trying to pathologize anybody, but we want to help people be able to move through in a way that gets them to that place of hope, purpose, and meaning as they go forward. 

And so, what I’m hearing you say, Ted, which I think is really important, is that after a period of time has passed maybe six months or a year but then you’re having enough symptoms that you’re really not able to engage with life. Like they’re debilitating in some ways. Yeah. That’s when it’s time to reach out and say, perhaps I need more help here. And there’s a questionnaire that we’ll link to on the website that directs you to a few places. If you just want to start on your own in some way of like, how do I even think about this? 

Or a phone call, in a triage into to ACCFS or whatnot, just to say, can you tell me if this is normal or if this is something I should really be thinking about at a different level. Yeah. Go ahead, Ted. I was just going to say the overall thing that we want to say as we bring some closure to this slide and go into questions, we want people to know that we want to understand and help them with whatever the kind of loss it is, ambiguous, unambiguous, known or unknown, and help them through this process to be able to get to a place where they can continue on. 

Because it’s real. Yeah, it is. I’m going to switch to the last slide here, which is just a Scripture which we’ll close with. But if there are any questions anyone has, if you want to unmute yourself and ask a question live, that is wonderful. Or if anybody’s chatted anything. It doesn’t look like there’s too much. There’s one question here I’m seeing. Ted, I want you to think about this for a while, and then again, feel free to unmute anybody who has a question. Ted, are there some practices that can help people stay emotionally present in the waves of grief without becoming overwhelmed or shut down? So, any practices that come to mind that help us process through those emotions in the midst in a real way. 

Yep. Any thoughts on that? Yes. So, the first thing is oftentimes realizing that the physical component of grief is actually what we’re oftentimes trying to manage when it’s really intense. Okay? When we feel really overwhelmed by a wave, our nervous system is actually really engaged. And so, it’s okay, for example, to think about taking a walk. 

Sometimes the right thing to do is to talk to somebody about it, but other times if you’re feeling overwhelmed, particularly, it’s okay to give yourself some time off from grieving and find something else to do. Right. Now, sometimes it helps people to journal. Sometimes it helps people to breathe deeply. I think one of the things we’re trying to do is quiet the nervous system. But I would also say that with the grief response it depends where somebody is at in this. If you’re in the first couple of weeks after a sudden loss, we’re going to just have to let things ride and ride those waves. 

If you’re in a different place and there’s a sermon that really touches you and you’re remembering and somebody is asking about something and you just don’t want to talk about it. Sometimes it’s okay to say, you know what, now’s not a good time. Yeah. So, I just want you to see that it’s okay to lean into emotions, but also to give yourself a break from emotions. It’s okay to put some music on. Go for a walk and look at the leaves. And then it’s also okay to sit and write a journal and do something else. 

Yeah. That’s helpful. It really is. I know we’re close to the top of the hour. We want to be mindful of time. Are there any questions that anyone might have? Feel free to share. Otherwise, Ted, any final thoughts or encouragement? I’m going to close with Scripture and prayer. Be honest. One last thing that I would say is one of the reasons that as counselors working with grief we sometimes use support groups, sometimes use other people like the ACSS course on grief or a workbook because having a sign of some kinds of mile markers that we’re moving down the path is helpful with something that can feel so circular.  

Yeah. Okay. And so, having people accompany us or working through these things can at least help us to know where we’re at as we move along. Yeah. It’s good counsel. And I just want to say to all of you who have joined those who will listen later, thank you for being part of that. 

And whether your heart is to support others or whether you’re walking through the really hard things yourself. We want to leave you with this promise from Scripture in Corinthians, it says, blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies, the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them who are in any trouble by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 

God is a good God. He is a loving God, and he knows and cares deeply about each and every one of us. And may we walk in comfort. Let’s close in a word of prayer. Father, we are thankful for an opportunity to be together and to learn together. And we pray that you will provide comfort as only you can in your own way in our lives as we walk through this real experience of the losses that we can feel in this world that we live in. 

Father, may you be a deep place of comfort and support. And may we, as thy people, be willing to step into lives with love and with grace with that same comfort we ourselves have received. Lord, we’re thankful for all of this in the name of Jesus. Amen. May God bless you all. Thank you for joining and thank you. Take care.