Three Ingredients for Cherishing Your Spouse

We often talk about the importance of love and deep commitment in marriage – foundational aspects for marriage. Yet how often have you considered we are also called to cherish our spouse? In Ephesians 5:29-30, Paul writes, “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, of his bones.” Paul compares how Jesus nourishes and cherishes the Body of Christ with how we are to value, treasure, and cherish our spouse, reflecting Christ more fully. But what does it exactly mean to cherish our spouse and how do we do it?

Author Gary Thomas in his book Cherish suggests that as love is known by 1 Corinthians 13, so cherish is revealed in Song of Songs. In the context of 1 Corinthians 13, love can be seen as committed and putting up with a lot, whereas in Song of Songs, cherish enjoys and delights a lot. Cherish is part of what God does as revealed in Isaiah 62:5b – “as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee.”  It is important to note that cherish and love don’t compete but rather complement each other. There is a place for both. So practically, what does a cherishing mindset look like? A cherishing mindset looks like:

• I intentionally stand in love by regularly scanning the environment for what my spouse is doing well.
• I accept my spouse has flaws, and I delight in him/her.
• I view growing old together with positive anticipation.
• I am here to learn how to love well.
• I am here to get it right rather than be right.

This way of thinking and engaging our spouse can be challenging at times. Yet this mindset can help cultivate intentional growth. The following three ingredients can also help you cultivate cherishing your spouse.

The Ingredient of Curiosity

Curiosity is the desire to learn or know more about something or someone (Merriam-Webster). As a parent, one of the many things amazing to me about children is the insatiable desire to explore and learn. On camping trips, I can recall our kids spending hours exploring, messing with sticks, picking up bugs, sitting around the fire – all of which are simple activities, yet they were able to learn without expending their desire to know more. So, what does curiosity look like in marriage? Consider these toward your spouse:

1) I know what my experience at church was like…I wonder what my spouse’s experience was like?

2) Was I curious enough about my spouse’s perspective or am I drawing conclusions too quickly?

3) Lord, help me to not stop hungering to know (cognitively and experientially) more about my spouse.

The Ingredient of Enjoyment

Norman Cousins was a man who suffered a rare and severe illness resulting in deep pain that rendered him immobile. At one point, he was taking 38 pain pills/day to manage the pain. He decided to try an experiment. He called his friends and family and asked them to come to the hospital and bring video or audio clips filled with humor. Over time, Norman realized that 10 minutes of hearty laughter led to 2 hours of pain free sleep! It is important to note that his was not the only part of his treatment, but it was a crucial part of his healing process. Consider how cultivating enjoyment would provide health, and maybe even healing, in our marriage relationship.

Enjoyment is a feeling of pleasure caused by doing or experiencing something you like. The story of mankind begins in the garden of Eden. We read, “And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; (Eden means delight) and there he put the man whom he had formed. And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:8-9). Rightly ordered pleasure and enjoyment can point us to the very heart and character of God.

So, what does enjoyment look like in marriage? Consider these towards your spouse: 1) I delight and enjoy being in the presence of my spouse. 2) Enjoyment, pleasure, laughter are good things God has given to enjoy in the right ways. 3) Fun, play, adventure and laughter are vital parts of our relationship. “A merry (joyful) heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).

The Ingredient of Gratitude

Throughout Scripture we are called to a heart of gratitude. Paul writes, “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” (Thessalonians 5:18) When we acknowledge good in our lives, we are acknowledging God’s presence (James 1:17). We find as we intentionally practice gratitude, the opportunity for a cherishing mindset grows.

So, what does gratitude look like in marriage? Author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn has written a book called “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples.” In this book she shares her findings on what distinguishes highly, happy couples from other couples. As you may imagine, gratitude is one difference. Consider with your spouse: 1) I regularly give my spouse most of the credit for my relationship success (i.e., I have something I don’t deserve). 2) I generously focus on what my spouse is giving to me – in turn, I deliberately try to give back. 3) I intentionally choose gratefulness for how my spouse is meeting my needs instead of longing for something which is difficult or impossible for my spouse to meet.

Conclusion

How are you doing at cherishing your spouse? Does one ingredient come more naturally for you than another? If you were to focus on one ingredient today, which would you choose? As an analogy, consider how many, over the years, have come to appreciate smoking meat. The most rewarding part of smoking meat is the finished product – sitting down to enjoy the smoke-filled flavor of a slowly cooked and well rubbed tender meat. When considering the difference between loving and cherishing, the difference between baking a pork tenderloin in the oven and slowing cooking a pork tenderloin on the smoker seems quite substantial. Both the oven and the smoker get the job done, but the finished product is not the same. The oven is a tried-and-true method that works and has proven results. Smoking the pork tenderloin requires time to marinate, brine, apply rub, and regularly monitor throughout the process. So it is with cherishing our spouse. We are called to love our spouse through deep commitment, over time, with effort, delighting and cherishing them. In doing so, we more fully reflect the relationship our God desires to have with us.

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