Frequently Asked Questions During the Marriage Decision

Marriage Decision Making Questions

How do I go about finding ‘the one’?

It is understandable to desire to find a believing spouse with whom to share life. However, overly focusing on finding ‘the one’ God has for your future spouse is an unhelpful way to walk through the marriage decision journey. This kind of thinking can increase pressure that will result in fear, anxiety, and reoccurring doubt. The marriage decision journey is one that is marked by faith, counsel, and godly wisdom. Discernment around the ‘who’ should come from the individual’s character (evident fruit of the Holy Spirit, Spirit-led focus and actions, love for God, etc.), spiritual compatibility, and wisdom from your community. How God leads us toward a potential spouse will look different for everyone, and we must be careful to not compare our approach to others or to what we see in society or media. Rather than overfocusing on finding the one, an individual seeking marriage should be stewarding their relationship with God in a way that promotes wise, faith-based, God-honoring decisions.

 

How do I know if I am in a healthy, overcoming state regarding sin?

A healthy, overcoming state regarding sin is part of spiritual maturity. Overcoming is not about being perfect, but it is about an upward trajectory where you are quick to turn towards God, confess, and seek accountability. A person in an overcoming state has created patterns of change that have led to overall growth. There should be a willingness to create and abide by healthy boundaries around who they interact with, what content they engage with, and where and how they spend their time. In contrast, a person not in an overcoming state may continue to hide, justify, or choose not to fight against sin. Due to the deceitful and corrupting nature of sin, an individual will need open, honest, and transparent relationships with others in their life to help them see clearly. Overcoming sin is an ongoing process that one needs to lean into with the support of those in their community. For additional resources, please see this expanded article.

 

How important is attraction?

Attraction is a good, natural aspect of relationship growth and can take on many forms: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical. While culture tends to focus on physical attraction, leading with physical attraction can be a distraction from following healthy, biblical principles around the marriage decision. What feels ‘attractive’ to someone today may change down the road. Spiritual and emotional attraction is of higher, biblical value, and attraction should ultimately come from the fruit of a Christ-centered relationship. Aspects that biblically matter include:

• Character: Is this person Christ-centered, humble, and trustworthy with a heart to serve?
• Shared faith and values: Are you equally yoked spiritually? Is the person a believer? Does this person have a compatible life trajectory?
• Emotional maturity: Does this person have emotional maturity/balance or are they controlled by their emotions?

 

Intentionally Seeking Marriage Questions

Is emotional intimacy healthy when seeking marriage with someone or should it be avoided?

Emotional intimacy is the deep closeness that happens when two people feel safe, known, and understood on an emotional level. This involves being emotionally present and responsive to one another as each shares their fears, dreams, & vulnerabilities.

This closeness feels good and desirable. However, Proverbs 4:23 reminds us to guard our hearts. This is a healthy principle to follow until both individuals are serious and committed to pursuing marriage. Potential risks of heightened emotional intimacy prior to this commitment include:

• A false sense of closeness and dependency.
• A tendency to overlook red flags, because of the deep bond prematurely created.

Waiting to develop healthy emotional intimacy until there is a commitment to marriage allows:

• Two people grow together spiritually first.
• Unrushed and unclouded judgment when seeking God’s will in this decision.

Staying in community and maintaining transparency can help emotional intimacy grow in a healthy, paced manner. Examples of ways to grow emotional intimacy in a healthy, paced way include:

• Use Mentorship and Accountability: Regularly talk with a trusted mentor, parent, or church leader.
• Practice Intentional Conversation: Keep conversations purposeful, not romantic or emotionally intense until there is a commitment to marriage.
• Serve and Worship Together: Participate in ministry, church activities, or acts of service.
• Take Time for Individual Reflection: Avoid relying on the other person for your emotional stability.
• Spend Time in Group and Family Settings: Build emotional safety without isolating as a couple.

 

What is infatuation and can this be avoided?

Infatuation is an intense and typically short-lived emotional attraction, which can interfere with navigating the marriage decision. Infatuation is a problem because it:

• Clouds judgment & leads to a tendency to overlook red flags.
• Makes one feel as if others who share concerns about a relationship are being picky, unreasonable, or judgmental.
• Makes one feel their relationship with the other person is so unique and special that potential challenges become unimportant and easy to overlook (i.e., creates blind spots).
• Rushes intimacy (emotional or physical).
• Fades quickly when the “high” wears off, often leading to pain.

Ways to create distance from the pull of infatuation can include:

• Slow down, pace your interactions together, especially in one-on-one situations or with your digital communications.
• Maintain a supportive community and stay accountable.
• Have healthy, godly physical and emotional boundaries. Physical affection and touch should be avoided.
• Highly vulnerable sharing should be limited prior to the commitment of engagement.

 

Why does the church caution against dating?

Casual dating is discouraged in the church due to the spiritual, emotional, and physical dangers it can bring. In today’s culture, dating often focuses on fulfilling personal desires rather than seeking God’s direction. This can cloud judgment during a time of discernment. Dating can also lead to both physical and emotional boundaries being compromised as familiarity without commitment is fostered. Compromising emotional boundaries happens when two individuals share support, connection, and/or vulnerabilities in a way that leads to levels of intimacy inappropriate outside of the commitment of marriage. While dating is not specifically discussed in the Bible, the Scriptures point to principles that can be applied to this topic which include:

• Guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23)
• Seek wise counsel (Proverbs 15:22)
• Do not awaken emotions early (Song of Solomon 8:4)
• Believers should pursue believers (2 Corinthians 6:14)
• Love sacrificially and honor others (Romans 12:10)
• Pursue purity (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5)

These biblical principles act as guardrails for someone who desires to engage in a wise, faith-led approach toward the marriage decision.

 

How do I intentionally explore the possibility of marriage with another person in an appropriate manner?

As two individuals faithfully pray about the possibility of marriage, there may come a point where, for a limited timeframe, they desire to be more intentional in their interactions with each other prior to public engagement. This is not casual dating. Rather, it is a prayerful, purposeful period carried out under God’s authority and with the guidance of family, mentors, and church leadership. It occurs when two individuals sense the possibility of marriage but wish to explore this potential in an intentional manner. This occurs with accountability, yet before committing to engagement.

Principles:

• Seek God first and foremost: God knows us better than we know ourselves (Matt. 6:33).
• Walk in love: Act with selfless, Christlike love (1 Cor. 13:4-8, 1 Peter 4:8).
• Trust his leading: God doesn’t promise certainty but gives peace to those who walk with him (Ex. 33:15, Prov. 3:5-6).

Posture:

• Honor each other as believers: Your relationship as brother and sister in Christ comes first.
• Be open and accountable: Stay transparent with one another and connected to mentors, parents, & church leaders.
• Surrender to God’s will: This is not a time to try to “win someone over;” rather it is about discerning God’s will and submitting to his leading.

Questions to consider (discuss together):

• How have you sensed a level of peacefulness and direction with this marriage possibility? Do you see it as an encouragement to your walk with the Lord?
• What expectations do you have for marriage? How have you worked through unmet expectations or disappointments in the past?
• Describe your readiness for marriage spiritually, emotionally & circumstantially (financially, life stage, etc.).
• What hesitations or questions do you still have regarding marriage? (consider obligations, timing, etc.)
• What are some prayers or aspirations regarding raising a family, career, serving in church/missions, etc. that you have?
• How do you intend to honor your parents and family and yet cleave to your spouse?
• Where do your beliefs and convictions seem to be aligned? What differences do you have?
• Who are the mentors who speak into your life? What is their counsel? How have you responded to their counsel in the past?
• What more do you want to know about this person before you are ready to make a marriage decision?

Find a longer list of “get to know you” questions in this article.

 

What are some risks regarding digital communication during the marriage discernment process?

Some level of digital communication (texting, social media, etc.) during the marriage decision making process is probably unavoidable. However, care should be taken as you engage in this way. Digital communication can foster a level of emotional intimacy without the grounding of in-person interactions. By their nature, in-person interactions often allow for a clearer, more realistic picture of who someone is.

Digital communication often lacks healthy accountability. Because it is always accessible and offers a degree of privacy through texting or social media apps, interactions can become more frequent, more private, and more emotionally charged than those that occur in community settings. Additionally, the nature of digital platforms allows individuals to carefully curate their words and image, which can create a barrier to forming authentic, healthy relationships.

Another concern is the mixed signals that come with social media interactions. Follows, likes, and comments on posts can be confused with someone showing interest, leading to false narratives that might end in hurt and misunderstanding. Ultimately, digital communication tends to create noise that leads to distraction, confusion, and rushed emotional intimacy rather than healthy spiritual discernment. It should be approached with caution and purposeful accountability.

 

How do I know when it is time to take the next step?

The decision to marry is a discernment process grounded in faith and godly wisdom that happens with counsel in community. This means there is not a checklist or specific assessment that shows whether you are ready to move forward or not. Rather faith, personal discernment through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and support from your community will help you discern when this is the next right step.

 

Why does the church caution against dating?

It is natural to have some level of anxiousness with such a large life decision. However, sometimes fear and uncertainty can overcomplicate or cause paralysis as the decision whether or not to move forward with marriage gets closer. If you are feeling continual doubts and concerns which are blocking your ability to move forward, this further article may be helpful.

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