Restoration Attempts in Marriage Podcast Episode

At times we just don’t communicate well. And so, what we’re saying is in relationships, deepening connection comes through restoration when we blew it. Welcome everyone to Breaking Bread, the podcast brought to you by Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services. It’s wonderful to have you along.

Kaleb Beyer is here in the studio with me. Kaleb, thanks for being here. It’s good to be here. Thanks, Matt. Kaleb, our topic is restoration attempts in marriage. And to set this topic up, I’d like to use a metaphor that I think most of us will understand. And that is when I’m driving down the road, like all of us who are driving down the road, we’re in the driver’s seat.

You can’t help but be constantly steering with your hands. You’re going to the left and the right and left and to the right. Yeah. And you’re never trying to veer off the road. You’re actually always trying to veer back on. Yes. In a sense. Yes. So, when you are driving a car, you are always taking corrective action.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Absolutely. You’re correcting courses all the time. And I think that metaphor hits pretty closely with what you mean by restoration attempts. Am I right? Yeah. It is. In marriage, you always need to be in corrective mode, in a sense. And let’s be clear, it’s not correcting the spouse mode.

Right. Okay. So now that I’ve taken this into the ditch, bring it back onto the road. Yeah. I think that’s a great metaphor and the case we’re communicating about is in our relationships there needs to be this attentiveness, awareness, and continual redirecting when we start veering off.

Yeah. I think that’s a fresh and hopeful concept, right? An important concept. Because sometimes I think we try really hard to get it right. But I don’t know if your experience is like my experience, but I’m veering. Help me now, I’m veering. So, in marriage, that’s what we’re talking about today is bringing this thing back on the road.

Restoration attempts. This is not about perfect communication. In fact, this very topic is saying at times we just don’t communicate well with life stress or technology or things that come into our life that affect our skill level and being able to communicate effectively or clearly.

And so, what we’re saying is actually in relationships, deepening connection comes through restoring. Right. It comes through restoring when we blew it. Today we’re going to provide some practical ways to make corrective adjustments. Yeah. So, restoration attempts. The concept here is communication at a high level. I’ll introduce it first as moving out of the content of what we’re communicating about.

So, let’s say Ange and I are communicating about finances. Restoration attempts are about moving out of that content of finances into what we call process or how we are communicating. How we’re communicating may be the voice tone that I’m using, or it could be the language that I’m using that conveys a meaning of critical or blaming or escalating emotions, okay?

So, at a high level, restoration attempts are we step back from content and move into how we are communicating about that particular topic, whatever it is. So, I can tell in that introduction, this takes a real thoughtful person, right? Because the content’s pretty gripping. And content gets laden with emotion.

Obviously, this content is what we’re talking about here, but you’re really asking us to be able to view this conversation, not only for its content, but also for its components and to take ownership of those components. And sometimes we have to back out of the content to do this? Yes. And sometimes we don’t do it in the moment. Sometimes we do it after the fact. We come back and we realize, oh, wow, maybe stepping out is, hey, I need a break, or maybe I realized later that I really missed that one. And so, I came back. And so, restoration attempt doesn’t mean I do it when I’m in conversation.

Often that can happen, but it can mean also I’m coming back. Okay, so let me just stop on what you said, I missed that one. So, I’m suggesting that might be a possible line that one could use in a restoration attempt. Yes. Can you hypothetically fill the rest of that sentence out?

Honey, I really missed that one. Yes, what might be the end of that phrase? Yeah, so, you know what? So maybe I had a conversation with Ange, and she was wrestling with a lot of stress going on in her life and I went into fix it mode. I realized that after the fact and the conversation didn’t end well. And so, I come back to Ange and I’m like, you know what, honey, I blew that. I missed the reality of how much pain you were in and how disappointed and discouraged you were. I moved too quickly, you know, or I moved into trying to fix it for you. So, can we try it again? Yeah, I mean can we have a redo or can we do it over again?

That’s another restoration attempt, but I think what we’re getting at too is with these restoration attempts we acknowledge that we don’t any of us do this perfectly. And I think then the grace and humility it takes for each of us to say, I did blow it. I did mess up. And this is important. I want to be connected to you.

And I don’t feel connected. So, one of the footings of the restoration attempts, the very foundation is humility. It sounds to me like a prerequisite to be corrective in this way is to be humble enough to admit that you were wrong. You didn’t do it right. Yes. You are focused on the wrong things.

Yeah, humility and recognizing the importance of my communication and how the message I’m sending impacts my connection with my spouse. Okay. So, I think you’ve just provided pretty helpful metrics right there and saying connection with spouses is the barometer of sorts.

Is that a true statement? Yes. And connection doesn’t mean I’m in the same room as my spouse. Right. Connection means my spouse believes I understand them, and I see them. I see their inner heart, their pain. I feel understood. Okay. Another clarification. You said connection is my spouse knowing that I understand them.

I’m noticing you didn’t say connection is when I understand my spouse. No. There’s a difference there, isn’t there? There is. Connection is when my spouse believes I understand them. Yes. Okay, work out the difference between those statements. Sure. So, if I say I understand Ange, okay, in my mind it’s kind of a done deal. I no longer need to seek understanding of her. So, if I ask Ange, do you feel understood by me? I feel like I understand you, but do you feel like I understand you? And she says no, that’s where the disconnection happens. Right. Does she feel heard? Does she feel valued? Does she feel seen and understood and validated in her pain?

Okay. Not, do I have it in my mind up here? Like, yes, I know what you’re saying. So, whether I understand them or not, they need to know that they are understood. So, here’s what I’m hearing. I’m hearing that this connection piece and understanding piece is one of the barometers that restoration is necessary.

And I’m hearing that even asking them. Do you believe I understand you is a great way to know whether restoration needs to happen. Yeah. Yes. And then that naturally requires humility to say, okay, she doesn’t, or he doesn’t believe that I understand them. And so, a restoration attempt is necessary. Yes. At that point.

Yeah. Now I can really see why this is separate now from content. You started off saying this is stepping out of content because really, you’re not necessarily coming back in here and saying, all right, let’s rehash finance. Yeah. The core of your question is, did I understand your heart? Yes, exactly. Which isn’t about the content per se.

The content was just the pieces that we were using. Yes. And so, another thing that I would say, Matt, too, there is the connection piece with the process. It’s really slowing down to keep it from becoming destructive. So back to your analogy of keeping the vehicle on the road are indicators that say I’m getting close to the rumble strip, right?

So, in our relationships, there can be alerts when I start to withdraw. There are certain behavioral things that can be destructive to my relationship, and so restoration attempts also can help put the brakes on. Things can escalate out of control pretty quickly when we have two individuals who don’t feel understood, and they just talk louder, or faster, because emotion fuels that.

And so, restoration attempts are also about keeping it from moving into more unhealthy and perhaps destructive places. So, part of restoration attempts is slowing down. What you’re really saying is restoration takes time. Is that a true statement? Yes. Restoration takes time. Yeah. There’s no fast way around this one.

Come on, Kaleb. Give me the fast fix. Proverbs 15:18, a wrathful man stirreth up strife, but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. And so, slowing down rather than stirring up anger, emotion, that leads to communication that isn’t helpful to being understood or feeling understood. I’d love to hear some practical tips.

Okay, Kaleb. You know, some of us are hearing this and okay, yeah, this makes sense. But I don’t know that I even have the vocabulary to make some of these restoration attempts. Give me some basic things, some basic words that will help. So, there is a couple of different examples. And so even things like, I feel like we’re veering off track right now. Or, you know what, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by our conversation. Or I need our conversation to be calmer right now. So, those can all be sentences that can be used and what I hear you saying though, is you’re using some vocabulary which you probably need to understand.

You mentioned overwhelmed. For even husband and wife to understand what we mean when we say that. Yes. And really what we’re applying. So, for example, if I think I’m feeling overwhelmed as signifying that you’re being too overbearing is a very offensive thing, right? Yes. I am saying that, but there’s the content part, right?

But to say this process is overwhelming right now has a totally different message to it, right? The first is not very palatable. The second is very palatable. Yeah. Yes. Because we’re talking about the process. Yes. Correct. Yep. And I am acknowledging it’s about me. It’s not about my spouse.

Right. It is about, wow, I want to hear you right now, but I’m getting overwhelmed and stressed. And so that’s affecting my ability to listen and be present with you right now. Yeah, that’s a very good point. And so, I’m acknowledging, whew, I want to hear you. I desire to hear you. Right now, I just can’t. Okay. So, you’ve given a couple of really key things just even in that defense or that explanation, right?

One is you’re saying that you’re always speaking from your own standpoint. I feel overwhelmed instead of you are making me feel overwhelmed. That’s a different message altogether, isn’t it? But to say, I’m feeling overwhelmed at this time, right? Or I’m feeling stressed, right? Which are very true factual statements, rather than saying you’re stressing me out, right?

I think that’s helpful. You speak from your vantage point. You’re saying what the process is doing for you. It does take a sense of self-reflection, right? And self-restraint. Very much so. Sometimes our emotion can take over and can be so strong and take us to places that we don’t want to go.

In Proverbs 25:28, it says, he that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls. Think about that. So, I think what we’re also assuming is that none of us do it perfectly, but is there a sense of, wow, this is what’s going on inside of me right now as I’m communicating with my spouse and maybe it’d be good for me to step back.

Yeah. And. That’s hard. Yeah. I keep going back to this content process thing, which I think is so key. If I’m only fixated on content, then it doesn’t necessitate all of this difficulty. Like why go to this hard work? Right. Yes. But if your objective is connection, then that necessitates restoration attempts.

Right. So, I think you’re asking us to shift our conversations with a completely different goal. Right. Is that a fair statement? Yeah. The content can grip us and pull us in ways that move us out of the process. And so, I think, more than agreeing on the budget this month is how we move in that process towards whether it’s agreement or not. It’s about feeling understood and valued, loved, seen as an individual. Okay. So let me ask you this question. Is connection with your spouse superior to agreement on content? I think so. Do you think so?

Well think about the last time when you felt truly understood, Matt, whether it’s by Rebecca or someone else and what was that like for you when you felt seen and valued for who you are. What was the perspective you had and how did you feel loved. What happens to the way you perceive agreement or disagreement?

Yeah. I mean, actually I remember a situation just recently. It was a conversation. It wasn’t my wife, but somebody else. We clearly had disagreement of ideas, but we both walked away understood, knowing the other one understood and respected that position. I don’t know. So, I’m trying to consider your question.

And I think in that case, yeah, I think being understood probably was important. Again, we need to, on some things, as a family, operate and have agreement. But I think that’s the beauty of a fellowship of believers. At the end of the day, there are certain preferences or things that we have. It isn’t about sitting here and trying to come to a perfect agreement on them. I think we’re missing the point.

I think if we feel valued and understood, these different perspectives actually can sharpen and shape and deepen our relationship. And then that agreement really is on us. There’s an agreement on us rather than an agreement on some matter. Yes. Right. Which is a deep agreement. Yes. Which, I think I’m agreeing on a relationship. Yeah. I’m agreeing on a relationship. Yes. Okay. Yep. That makes a lot of sense. All right, Kaleb, you’ve dropped a lot of very helpful ideas that we can use. I think that’s really helpful. So, we’re going to do some more of that.

So, let’s take calming down. You mentioned slowing down is required here. So, the conversation is getting out of control. Give me something I can say that are the right words to use to help slow it down. Yeah. So, one could be simply, let’s start over again. Can I have a redo? Can I start that conversation again? I messed up there. I’m getting too out of control or I’m feeling overwhelmed, so let’s have a redo. I’m not communicating well at all. Yeah.

Okay, here’s another one. Let’s go into the emotional bucket. Some of us guys need a little help with this. Suppose emotionally there needs to be a restoration attempt. Yeah. What are some ideas? So it may be, I feel blamed, or I’m becoming defensive right now. Would you rephrase that for me, please? Okay. You just acknowledged your feeling, your emotion, says right now I feel blamed. And that’s more of an assessment of my own personal feelings rather than whether it was warranted or not.

Yes. But one caveat I would say here is sometimes I think this has to be in context because if there is a high level of negativity within the relationship, that can be a statement that can become very defensive. Even I feel blamed, I’m assuming in some of these that there is a level of positivity in the relationship and respect and honor and love that I can take, oh, wow, you feel blamed. Okay. Let me retry that. We’re making some assumptions here that there are some other things at play and in place in marriage. Yes. Correct. If we can get to a point within our marriages that we just assume we’re all playing fair and we’re trying to play as fair as possible, then those comments really are meaningful to me.

Does that make sense? Absolutely. I’m trying to play fair with my wife, and she says, I really feel, I don’t know. What did you say? I really feel blamed by that. Oh, that’s information for me to say that I need to do some corrective communication here because I didn’t want to do that. No, and your desire to be understood and connected.

So, the message is missing somewhere. Absolutely. All right. How about this? Sharing affection one for another. Yeah. That’s a great point. You know what? I can see your perspective. I realize this isn’t your fault. What we’re trying to communicate is, I still love you, even though right now this is frustrating to both of us.

We feel disconnected, right? And so, you’re conveying and expressing that affection piece. You’re communicating that affection you have for your spouse in the midst of the process. And hearing that can be really helpful. That’s great. That’s good. So, help us apologize. So, you messed up. Right. So, first is just even acknowledging it. I think that is like, you know what? I realize I want to speak gentler here. I want to speak in a softer tone, or I want to convey a message to you. But I know I’m not even sure how to do that right now. And it’s amazing how just even that acknowledgment, because that takes vulnerability for a man to say I want to convey something to you that I can’t put it into words. Give me some space, some time. I need to slow it down.

I think it’s creating space to be vulnerable with each other. And again, try to bring it back on and say, we’re going to be okay here. We’re going to get through this little bump in the road or whatever that is. That’s good.

Yeah, all of these are great. Yeah, Kaleb, and we could go on and on. And in fact, I know you have written an article on this and have placed some really clear teaching on the topic and would encourage anybody to go to our website and just put in the search menu restoration attempts. So, let’s bring this to a close Kaleb, what are some parting comments regarding restoration attempts?

Engaging in things that bring laughter and fun and appreciation and admiration to the relationship cannot be disconnected from restoration attempts. It’s very important to have that context. For me to receive my spouse means the level of our friendship in our relationship is directly correlated to how well or how much I’ll receive restoration attempts from my spouse.

Right. And our marriage is not the sum total of all of our hard conversations. We’ve got a marriage to support our hard conversations, right? Yes. Very well stated. But conversations and communications are tough, aren’t they? I mean, it’s a difficult thing. It is. Absolutely. Really, as vast as our vocabulary is, it’s pretty limited.

We have to string together a lot of words in order to communicate complex concepts. There are just a lot of things at play here, which really tee up the need to have some restoration attempts, teaching that you’ve just provided here with this podcast, but to have some of those tools in the tool belt, I think, is warranted by the difficulty of communication.

So, a lot of meaning which makes me think about technology. Seeking to communicate through technology and how easy that can go off the rails because we attribute meaning in places where there isn’t necessarily meaning through an emoji. Sure. It’s clear. I was kidding. Didn’t you see the emoji?

I’ve got a son learning to drive, right? Everything’s new and hard, right? All of those corrective attempts and restoration attempts, right? Can we say the same is true for communication in marriage? With practice, things become automatic. I mean, it would be great if restoration attempts were so automatic in my communication as it is in my driving, for example.

Yeah. Yeah. Like with any skill or any something new that you’re learning, it does take some time and practice. And this might sound phony, but for couples I work with who may have been in some really difficult places, even prefacing it with, hey, you know what, I just don’t know. Stepping out of the content and even saying things like, I’m going to try a restoration attempt here and even starting it with that to say hey I know because again when there’s been high negativity, we can miss those. And so, by saying I am trying to do something for the benefit of our relationship here, it might not sound like it.

It might not seem like that. But hold on here. I want to try this out. So, what I’m about to say is not an attack. It’s not an attack. It’s my best attempt. That’s right. To try this. That’s right. And when we understand, I think that’s awesome, Kaleb. When we understand between spouses, this concept, that this is a restoration attempt. That’s where I think shared vocabulary is helpful. That was a restoration attempt. That really does say a lot. It does. That really says, oh, that takes all the poison out of it. And I see it for all its virtue. Yes. Which would go a long way in a lot of our conversations. Yeah, it would. So, yeah. Thank you, Kaleb.

Been a blessing to be with you. Yep. If you found the content today to be very helpful, we have just the event for you. ACCFS will be hosting our annual marriage conference at our Morton AC Church. On October 18th and 19th, the event will start on Friday night and continue all day Saturday. But you need to register, and we would urge you to go to our website at accounseling.org and register as space is limited. So, we look forward to seeing you there. To our listeners, thanks for being along. We trust and pray the content shared has been helpful. Communicate with us if you wish at [email protected] with questions, concerns, with future topics, with anything you care to impart.

Thanks for being with us. Bye.