Helping our Children with Decision Making Webinar

Helping our children make decisions or decision making. My name is Matt Kaufman. Brian Sutter with me. Yeah, glad to be with you, Brian. You work in this space, actually say a little bit about what you do. I mean, you work with a variety of folks, but yeah, decision making is pretty central to right across the board, whether we’re talking young or old. 

But yeah, the work that I do is primarily as a counselor here in the office. And one of the things I really enjoy is being able to work with kids and when I get that opportunity, a lot of the things you’re thinking about is helping them understand their decision-making process and trying to bring the things that are going on in their mind and their conscious awareness and thinking about if there are things that could be tweaked. 

So yeah, looking forward to the discussion today. I really like our basic belief here that we’re going to work off of here today, Brian, is that decision making is a skill that can be practiced and developed. Which is exciting. It is very exciting. It’s very helpful. So, we’re going to work off of that belief which from experience, that’s what you found to be the case which I think provides a lot of hope as we think about working with our kids and how can we develop this, which is going to see our objective here has that same, where you see maturing decision making, this growth concept. 

So, in this webinar, we want to attempt to provide a mindset and a supporting skill set for maturing decision making among our children. So, Brian, it requires a mindset, but then hopefully some practicality and skill set, right? Right, yeah. Without the mindset piece, it seems like, well, decision making seems like one of those things you either have and you don’t and you make good decisions or you don’t and to think of it more of a skill set I think is helpful for parents as we want to try to lean into helping them grow and just having that mindset I think puts us in a better position. 

To do that and I think it helps our kids if we can teach that mindset to them too of like, hey, maybe that wasn’t the best decision, but maybe we can learn from it. Maybe we could do something different next time. I think it puts both of us in a better position. So, let’s move along from that objective. 

Here’s a little bit of what the contents are going to look like. I’d like to spend a little bit of time, Brian, with this starting point. Right. Framing up decisions and really the landscape we find ourselves in. 2024 does lend itself to positioning ourself in a technology age. 

We’re positing ourselves as post COVID. We’re positing ourselves, most of us here in the Midwest. Right. Right. All of those impact how we view decisions. And now as we look at the youth in this, that’s the starting point. Yep. And then we’ll move to a mindset, how we as parents should be thinking about decision making among our children. 

That’s a little bit. We mentioned that and then this practical skill set there. So that’s our shape. Sounds good. Okay, so let’s get right into the framing up. And this first thing Brian, you help me understand is this larger spectrum of decisions from fast and intuitive to slow and calculated. 

Say a little bit about this metric. Yeah, I think it’s really fascinating. And after you hear it, it makes sense, but it’s not necessarily something that we are just naturally aware of. But on the fast side of things, it’s a little bit like if I ask you what two plus two is, four. Exactly. 

It’s like right there. Yeah. And it’s just there. Versus like, well, you might be able to figure this out, but most on the planet, if I ask, you know, what’s 16 times 24, you’re going to have to take some time. Exactly right. The image doesn’t immediately show up. 

The answer’s not immediately there. And so, you’ve got these two systems that are working on our mind that some just come naturally. There’s a quick response. There’s a quick decision that’s made. You don’t even hardly see it as a decision. And then there’s the other side where it’s slow. It’s calculated. It’s going to take some real effort. The quick side is really helpful because there are a lot of decisions that can be made really quickly. The slow side is much more exhausting, but it’s also really important. And if we just operate from the fast or the intuitive side, a lot of times we’re basically operating from experience or assumptions, which sometimes are accurate and other times aren’t. 

And just being aware of that and testing some of those assumptions can be really helpful. So, this really provides a lot, actually, of different nuances. Number one is this really helps me see that we are decision makers and we’re making a lot of decisions we don’t even realize. 

Exactly. And our kids are making a lot of decisions they don’t even realize. They were fast and intuitive. Right. No, I didn’t want to play with Johnny. Exactly. Yes, I will play with Johnny, right? It is a decision that went in and out before they even realized that they made it, right? Or you know, they’re endless. 

And so, there’s that thing as you said, they’re making those on an intuitive basis based on how they see the world and their experiences, right? And then you’ve got these slow and calculated. With some of our children figuring out future plans very calculated, right? 

Right. You’re really thinking through what that looks like. So, we have that but then this also elevates sometimes we make fast intuitive decisions that should probably be slow and calculated. So, we do either one or we’re slow and calculated on decisions that should be fast and intuitive. Exactly. 

So that’s part of the skill set and having those categories I think can be helpful like oh wait, how did I make that decision? And should it have been the other? Or maybe what I think about? And sometimes too, some of the things, because of experience, move from something that’s slow and calculated into quick and intuitive, which is good, but also not always helpful. 

So, for example, my daughter, who’s just learning how to text, helping her slow down and be thoughtful of, oh, what might they be thinking here? Or how do you think that came across? Now in time, as she gets better or she practices, it’ll probably be much quicker or driving the same sort of thing that there’s a lot of effort a lot of things to process but it moves over and sometimes you forget to check the sidewalk because your mind says, oh, nobody ever walks. 

Yeah. And you need to move back into the slow. I think that’s really, really helpful. And so, let this be somewhat of a framework as we talk about decisions and as you even process. I think what we bring forward here today, you can process those and what’s that look like with the fast intuitive? 

What does it look like with the slow and calculated? I’d like to also provide maybe another axis that we didn’t really touch on, and that’s age. Oh, certainly this works across ages, right? Right. And those slow and calculated decisions that our young adult children are making at 20 are very different than the slow and calculated decisions that our 10-year-olds are making. Exactly. Yeah. And so, decision making is a complex field. Right, and I think the real key here would just be to think about where they are at with their maturity or age? 

Where are they at making those decisions? And again, helping them recognize when they’re making decisions that they don’t actually see. Why didn’t you play with Johnny? Oh, okay. Well, maybe you were sad this morning, or maybe you had a bad experience. And just being able to see those things and then to be able to test the assumptions that led to the decision might help them make better decisions in the future or at least more calculated that are based on the present moment rather than just the past experiences they’ve had. I can hear even as you say that Brian and I know we’re going to hear more here in this webinar, but you really ask a lot of questions of a person who’s trying to make decisions, don’t you? Right and you’re really getting that brain working. 

Yes, and that’s the key if we can get it working. We’re moving them over into the slow and calculated. And that’s generally going to help them grow in their ability to make decisions. Whereas if it just is relying on the fast and intuitive, then they’re going to make decisions that are quick, but they may not be the best. 

And slowing down, asking questions on, why do you think you did that? Or did you see that decision? Just can be an important process in the development, you know. And if you see a maturing and that’s what our objective here is to mature decision making in our children. You take an ER doc. And what is slow and calculated for the med student becomes fast and intuitive. Exactly. Because they’ve done that over time in practice. And really, I think, we would want to see that same maturation. Yes. Exactly. And that’s where, just like the other day, I’ve got my two youngest kids, and they go help me mow a yard. 

And afterwards, I tell them, I’ll tell you what, you can either get a soda or five dollars. And so, you put them in this place where they’ve got to make a decision. And the quick intuitive is, oh, well, let’s go get a soda. Yeah. Okay. That’s a reasonable decision. Yeah. Let’s make sure that you’ve made a decision. 

Yeah. And what about the other decision, why would somebody make that decision? Oh, actually that’s the decision that probably in the long run would make more sense. The soda makes more sense in the short term. It’s not to say that you have to make the best long-term decision every time, but just to recognize, just know the ramifications for the decision. 

Exactly. And then when you’re 50. So did they both choose the same thing? They both did actually. What was it? And it was the soda. Now, and if my guess is right, if I could play this out as a mental exercise and as I think about my own kids, I could see one doing the soda and one doing the $5.00. Right. And then there’d be a bit of buyer’s regret with the soda once it’s finished. 

Exactly. And that’s been the case at different times. And this one was the older one eventually landed on soda and then the younger one was like, well, if he’s going that direction, you better believe I’m going that direction. But it is really interesting. And then just having them think about that decision, I think it’s just a good exercise. 

And you can’t do that every time, this was a time where we had a 20-minute drive and nothing else to do. And it was low stress, low pressure. So, it’s not like you do that with everything. Yeah. But to see it through that lens is helpful for me. That’s great. Okay. So, let’s expand on this a little bit now with the landscape we live in. 

All right. We live in an increasingly sterile virtual and isolated world. Okay. And that has ramifications of decision-making being scary, intimidating, or lonely. So, let’s unpack this a bit. This idea of a sterile world, pain should be avoided. That’s really true, isn’t it? Oh, absolutely for all of us across the board, like any way that we can get out of feeling pain, we’re likely to take that path. 

And the reality is decision making is going to create pain. So, in some ways it just primes us to move into avoidance of either making decisions or just doing the thing that’s going to avoid the pain. And to be aware of that can be really helpful. And we’ve learned enough, God’s given enough wisdom to us that we are able to avoid a lot of pain in many areas of life. 

Again, that’s not a bad thing, but if our goal is to just avoid pain, that puts us in a difficult position to make wise choices. Well, let’s play this out a little bit. I mean, we know that we’re always managing risk. Really? And every decision that we make, we’re managing some sort of risk, right? Right. 

It’s risk management. And so, if you take that to the end and that is no risk, right? It really limits you down to having really no decision, right? Or one decision to make, right? That is don’t fly in the airplane. Don’t drive, don’t go out of your house, right? Or whatever, I’m being facetious. But the idea of a sterile world drives you to a very simple, just do this, right? Yeah. And our kids are growing up a little bit in that in a world where our playgrounds are so safe. You can’t mess it up, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. And with that there’s probably a loss to some exploration, lost to some experimentation, a loss to some learning, right? 

Because they’ve got a really cushioned environment where we have taken out many dangers, what impact does that have on our youth, coming into a world that’s not padded. Right. Well, I think it just puts them in a position where they haven’t exercised dealing with pain or the fallout of poor decisions. 

If they haven’t, then you make a small mistake. And you’re making that small mistake. It’s 16 versus 6. That just puts them way behind as far as learning but if you’ve been practicing, oh, yeah, this is painful, but you know what? I can tolerate this pain or here’s how I navigate this pain in a helpful way. That growth keeps coming but the problem is if you don’t practice that and learn it then you get behind and then you’re less likely to take the next risk that comes, and you keep getting further and further behind and that just really sets them up for failure. 

So, that’s where that scary fear of failure is, I think, part of the fallout of just a really sterile world, right? Where perhaps the opportunity to make decisions has not been afforded some of our children who have been in previous generations. Right. And I think part of that goes back to the mindset as far as us as parents, that if our mindset is, well, I just got to keep them from making a mistake or making a poor decision, that puts us in a very different position than, oh, actually, maybe I give enough space for decisions and failure, like picking the wrong decision. 

Right. Is that a good wrong decision? I think so. Giving them options for right decisions, but not wrong decisions. Is that possible? Oh, and it’s tricky. It’s tricky to know how to navigate. It’s so hard. Right. Yeah. So, the second one is we’re living in a virtual world where what is real and unreal. Is that picture real? 

That’s a really beautiful landscape. And well, it’s not exactly real, you know? Anyway, that’s overextending the point, but what is real and unreal is I think at the crosshairs of the world that we live in, in a virtual world. How does that impact decision making? Well, I mean, I think it impacts decision making just because if you don’t know what is real, that’s a huge deal. 

Or you start to think that life is supposed to be a certain way when it’s not actually a certain way. Right. You know, you start to pay attention to some of the things that my youngest is watching, and I’m like, you know what? Boy, they’re giving the impression, this video she’s watching, that you can do this, and this is the outcome. 

And so, therefore, she’s going to be more prone to make the same decisions it looks like they’re making, but she’s going to have different outcomes. But that’s because what she’s watching is an illusion. So, for example, she was watching a video recently, and I could tell the person doing an interview had a little Debbie snack, and I’m like, there is no way she’s actually going to eat that. 

And they make a cut. And before the next cut back, she’s got just a little piece left. No way did she eat that. But that was the impression, and you start to see oh, if they don’t see the decisions that are actually being made, and then they see that these are the outcomes, it starts to just mess with things. 

Yeah, I guess it’s messing with experience, isn’t it? Yes, exactly. And then as they move forward, and they’re engaging social media as teens, and then this is the way it’s supposed to be, or this is what everybody else experiences, and they don’t have that, like, oh, actually, what you see isn’t always exactly how it is. 

Yeah, and that’s where I’ve seen it. So, I’ve got some kids that have some gifts, but we live in a world where we see the best of everything. Oh, right. So, if you’re a good watercolor painter. Well, if you want to see the best, here’s where you go. You know what I mean? And the best is always in front of them. 

And so sometimes I see them not making choices. I can’t do that. You know this idea in that, but that’s not the real world. You know this, what you’re seeing is something curated over the entire globe and not our community, certainly not this home. So, let’s live into this. And so, there’s this idea of virtual that I think has got this idea of intimidation. Their decision making is intimidating, right? 

Because it’s like, well, I can’t do that. So, I guess I shouldn’t pursue it. Right. And I think it also gives this impression that everybody’s an expert or you get to be an expert and then that person never makes any mistakes. But the reality is the way you get to that kind of role is there’s been a lot of failure. 

There’s been a lot of mistakes. There’s been a lot of poor decisions along the way. And if you don’t give somebody the opportunity to learn when they’re younger and grow into that maturity, I mean, there’s just no chance. Isolated world, personal preferences are prized in a very curated world where it’s the silos I like to live in and all of that we can curate but living in an isolated world brings about some loneliness and that’s going to be tough in the decision-making process, isn’t it? 

Right. So, fill that space out a little bit. Well, like we’re talking about, if we’re seeing decision making as a skill to grow, that’s going to need to be done in community. You’re going to need somebody who has another perspective or for kids, somebody who really has some wisdom or experience to come alongside and at least ask some questions or have them think about the decisions they’ve made or the consequences. 

To do that alone, learning is going to be very, very difficult. But also, in a world that’s more sterile and virtual. Being alone and doing it alone is more natural. And as Proverbs says, in a multitude of counselors, there’s wisdom. Well, you can’t have a multitude of counselors in isolation. Right? Exactly. 

So that’s really what you’re calling us to is this, this lack of engagement and community is going to be important A drag on decision making as it is a skill for our young people, right? Right. And then once they get, if they get into community or they start to move into adulthood and they’re making decisions and they’re realizing actually there are a lot of people who have opinions about this, or there are a lot of people who have input, but they’ve never been exposed to that before. 

Like, that’s a really hard space to know how to navigate making decisions in reality that some people are going to think you should have made this decision or you talk to 12 different people, and you get 12 different opinions. How do you navigate that? That’s tricky and how do you handle the disparaging comment or the correction? All of that is a community experience. 

Yeah, exactly. So, this is the landscape we live in. We need to recognize that these are forces in this space on our kids and not that they can’t be worked against, but something that we should probably be mindful of. So, let’s now go to this mindset. Just what every parent wants to hear, Brian, is the mindset that we have to give over control. Anyway, this picture here shows that over time, you know, they come into the world with no control. Kids do, right? No control at all. We make every choice for the child. Parents have all control but then over time adult children have full control. Parents have very limited if any at all. Scary but that’s the story right there. 

So anyway, but there’s a mindset here. I think there’s some value in this. There is but I think the reality is that it’s painful and any transition in life is tricky. So, when we start off with full control and thinking about what it looks like to start to give some of that over and allow for decisions like we’ve talked about that allow for risk and the reality is that they’re going to make bad decisions and there’s going to be fallout for that. It kind of moves us back into this, well, why wouldn’t we just avoid that? Why don’t we just cut off pain? Well because it stunts their growth. It’s not ideal. It certainly wouldn’t be even what the Scriptures would call us to but it is really uncomfortable and complicated because you don’t want to give too much control over too soon. 

So, the pacing of that, I don’t know that there’s a perfect way to do it, but it’s just good to be aware of it. Well, you know, a term that you’re familiar with is this concept of the immersion of some family dynamics. Where they’re so integrated that there’s not the appropriate separation of people, and autonomy. And that can be a really unhealthy relationship where we do make all the decisions. Yeah. And I think giving over control really speaks to honoring our children as autonomous people with a will. Right. Yeah. And it’s not too hard for us to think about God in the same way he’s done that with us, hasn’t he? Right, exactly, in really hard ways. Yes. And I think it’s one of those places as parents, especially when a child has different interests or different gifts or different weaknesses to be able to let them step into something that’s outside of what we’re comfortable with or even that we know and not comfortable in the sense of like wrong but just comfortable in the sense of like this is a space I don’t know anything about and I don’t even know if I know how to help you navigate it but okay you’re gifted in this. 

Okay, what does that look like? Are there other people in our community that could help? But that gets pretty uncomfortable or even not the best decision. You know it’s not a great decision. Right, yeah. And poor decisions happen on the spectrum also. Sure. From being not wise, but it’s okay to being very harmful. 

Right. So, we’ve got this giving over control really is a function of allowing failure, isn’t it? I think so. That’s kind of fuel. Burning allows failure, which is why we’re adverse to it. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And it makes me think of when I was in my early high school days, my parents let my brother and me buy a little boat together, which was a terrible decision depending on your metric.  

Exactly, exactly. But if you’re thinking about finances and wisdom and do you need this and are you going to take care of it? But it was a great learning experience because they let us make that decision. That wasn’t the best decision, but hopefully we learned from it. 

And then, you know, that $400 mistake doesn’t turn into a $40,000 mistake or a $400,000 mistake as we walk through life. Yeah, that’s a great example, really, to this exact issue. Let’s talk further on our mindsets, I think, as we talk about allowing failure to possibly happen, you’re really making room for opportunities. 

And that’s really what you gave with that boat example. You actually built experience in that moment, you built creativity in that moment and those are going to be very valuable assets to growing as a decision maker. Yes. Yep. And I think if we can see that as parents as oh, okay, this is an opportunity. There’s a decision that’s coming or I can foresee a decision that’s coming. What does that look like to see it as an opportunity? And that could be teachable and impacting our kids in a helpful way. If we can join them in that, help them see that process that unfolds and learn from it. I think that’s really exciting. 

And I think with the creativity piece, so often, and I don’t know if this is more today or not, but I think it seems to me that so many of us don’t see the options that we have. We’re just not super creative. It’s kind of that fast and quick response that generally has very few options if any, we just go down that path. 

But to slow down and say, maybe there are other options. I don’t, it’s not even that they all have to be good, but just to acknowledge, hey, I do have a decision to make here, and I’ve got quite a few different options, can grow that creativity. And before you know it, you see a lot more opportunities or possibilities than you did at first glance. 

Yeah, I like that. You’ve painted a picture in my head when we talked about creativity, a person who’s creative often sees more. They’re not so myopic. They see more. They see more colors, hear more sounds which really allows them a ton of flexibility when it comes to a fork in the road. 

Right. And I think another thing that I noticed with that is they don’t panic. When they don’t know what to do or they come up with a decision or a problem, it’s like, oh, this is kind of exciting. I wonder if I just slow down and think what kind of ideas will come to mind. There’s a solution or there’s options out there, but they see it as interesting and fun more than, oh no, I got to get it right. 

Or I don’t know what to do. There’s maybe not an option and they just kind of bail. So, they’re not as paralyzed perhaps by the fear of getting it wrong. It might not be terribly wrong, but I could be kind of wrong and we can fix it. Yeah, which puts a person in a very different place in making decisions. 

If they’re like, we’re going to be able to go forward here with this rather than saying, you know, my whole life is here at this juncture, and I better get this right or also be forever lost, right? Yeah. A creative person is able to think creatively about that. Yes, and I think even that lens helps put decisions not as catastrophic kinds of things. 

They’re just opportunities and you learn from them, and you grow through them. They’re not quite as high stakes moments, a lot of the smaller decisions. And I think that’s helpful so that they’re not nearly as perilous. One of the things that this mindset does though, too, I think as a parent, it just gets two things on my radar with my kids. 

Let’s give them some experience. They need to have experience. Yeah. Which happens not just in decision making, but just in life, right? Experience with people, experience with jobs, experience working with whatever, right? Yes. And also, that idea of creativity, which I could go on a bandwagon about how we’ve got forces against us with creativity. 

Big time. But yeah, maybe we’ll wait and do that at a different podcast or a different webinar. But I think you’re exactly right. Yeah, we really have to think about that space. Yeah, it needs to be encouraged. There are too many surrogates that we can go to that are not creative at all. 

No, they just serve it up. Exactly, they filled it out for us. Let’s now look at a pre decision skill set. So, we’re going to look at pre-decision and then finally we’ll look at the post-decision, like after the decisions are made. I think there’s a skill set there, but this is limited here now just to the pre-decision. 

So, this might be what you do before the decision is made. You’ve got some prompts here again, going back to the questions. You really like to get that person thinking. And these are some questions you like to ask. Yeah, I think so. It is just helpful to think through as we face decisions. Okay, what’s my perspective? 

Or what is it that I’m interested in? Or what is it that they’re interested in just helping make that explicit? Maybe what would the other person perhaps want and why, and then just from a biblical perspective, what would God say? What would he want and why? And so even, like, if we just go back to the simple example we gave at the very beginning of like, you decided not to play with Johnny. 

So, I’m wondering, why didn’t you, what was behind that, and help them explore that. Okay. What do you think that was like for Johnny? What do you think God would say? And again, I think we want to be careful here not to say that there’s the right answer all the time. These are just things to weigh out and should be part of our slow, conscious, kind of effortless, effortful decision-making process. 

And putting those on our kid’s radar, I think, can be helpful. Now, I really like this, and I just want to be clear, these prompts are not from the perspective of the parent, but from the perspective of the decision maker, the child, right? So, when we say, what do I want? We’re encouraging that young person to think, what is it that you want? 

Yes. But you’re following up with a why, which I really like. So yeah, in my house we’re talking about post high school plans. Why do you want to go to the school? What is the school? Why? And boy, there can be some real depth to that question. And I love it as an exploration. 

You’re really getting to think. In a couple of dimensions, what do I want? What do others want? And what does God want? Right. And I think one of the things you find out if you can help them explore that, it actually helps them see that there are a lot of options that maybe are able to fulfill the same desires. 

The same why. The same why, but they wouldn’t have realized it until they recognize, oh, the reason I want to do this is because it has this program, or my close friend is doing this, or whatever that looks like and oh, okay, well, that actually could probably be accomplished by this same college over here or this same major over here and it starts to give out those options. 

And therefore, is likely to help make a wise decision. What are you getting at with the second point? What do others want? I see that as I guess I would have what do I want? Yeah, it makes sense what does God want? Certainly, we want to be biblical and have a conscience towards God. 

I think that’s refreshing. What do others want? How does that flesh out a person’s wherewithal? So, I think maybe an example here would be with our kids is they’re interacting with peers, and one of their peers does something that is hurtful, let’s say, and to be able to explore that. 

Okay, what do you think they were looking for? What did they want in that interaction? Well, they just wanted to be mean. Oh, okay. Well, why, that doesn’t seem like that would probably be a really good goal. I doubt that was their goal in helping them explore that actually. Oh, maybe. Maybe they wanted attention, or maybe they weren’t feeling great, and they were responding, or that came from a place of their emotions or their hurt, and actually what they really want is relationship, and if that’s the case, then that puts you in a different position to think about how to respond and be helpful in meeting that want, if that’s there. 

Yeah, it’s really helping our kids, I think, be really circumspect to not only ourselves, to God and to others. Right. Yeah. You know, we talk about mature biblical conscience. Say a little bit about conscience. I think that’s a good word. We have consciences, and they very much go into decision making, don’t they? 

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And I think in an ideal world, our conscience is shaped by the Scripture and what God wants and that frames up this is right and wrong and then it’s also about how to treat others. How am I supposed to think about others and that starts to begin to build that template of fast decision making and how we interact with others or how we make this decision about this thing that comes up. And that conscience gets shaped by those experiences and by those kinds of underlying frameworks that we build up. 

And it’s really important and we get the opportunity to start to shape that and that’s really exciting, I think. Yeah, in short, correct me if I’m wrong, a conscience is really right and wrong. Yeah, having a good right and wrong meter in our head and in our heart is hugely important. 

Right. And saying no when we need to say no, saying yes when we should say yes. Right. And you see that from a very young age, right? You have your four-year-old playing with a six-year-old and they take the toy from Johnny. Yeah. Well, what did you want? Well, I wanted the toy. 

Okay, what do you think Johnny wanted? He’s just mean, you know, and just like starting to slow down and say, wait a second, let’s help you think about what is it that you actually wanted? What did you actually care about? What did the other one want? How do we get the other person on your radar? How would God instruct us in this? 

We’re trying to start at a very young age, and then it gets, you know, more and more complicated. Now, the tricky thing is, I think, as kids get older, they tend to be able to do the right thing behaviorally more often. And so, then we want to try to press into this to kind of see underlying motives. 

What is the motive? And again, not to say that our motives are always pure or that their motives should always be pure, but just start to bring that to the table and think, well, actually, you maybe did that because it made you look good. And let’s just be honest about that. We don’t have to be condemning towards that, but just honest about that. 

And then, that puts them in a different space of like, oh, okay, what do we do with that? Or how should we think about that? What I hear you are doing is really slowing down at the moment. For us to see the thoughts for what they are, the motives for what they are, the conscience, really bringing that outward is part of this decision-making process and part of the preparation of being a decision maker, right? 

Right. Is somebody with that inner compass that is able to think through that? Let’s look now at this pre-decision skill set. Some really tangible things here. Yeah, walk us through this and we have action at the end. We have identifying the decision at the beginning. Yeah. So, in many ways, I think this is pulling together what we’ve been talking about. 

And I think the most the starting point here, identify the decision is one that I see often gets overlooked. People don’t see that they’ve made a decision, or they don’t see the opportunity for a decision. So really helping our kids slow down and help them see the decisions they’ve made or the decisions that are coming. 

I think that is actually really important, but one that often gets skipped. And then considering the options, that’s kind of creative and like, let’s just think it through. Let me posit another element on identifying the decision I find. That a lot of decisions in the family and a lot of decisions are pressure prompted. 

And maybe I’m just revealing myself, but pressure prompted because of procrastination. Oh, we’ve known this decision is coming but we just haven’t stepped into it. And then all of a sudden did you know signup is tomorrow or are they going to do it or not? You know what I mean? And so, there’s just identifying the decision and working it out in time that seems to be at a crisis. 

Oh, exactly. And I think even in that, like, it makes me think of my kids, you know, coming up with their friend at church and asking if their friend can come over. And it’s okay, wait a second. If you put me in that, my decision’s more likely to be no. I’d like you to think about your decision about that. 

You decided to bring them with you or to wait until we were in this kind of high-pressure moment that, better or worse, I’m more likely to say no. And so, I want you to see your decision in that, and how can we work together? Or you know what? I made that decision because I procrastinated. I think if I could do it again, I think I probably would have made a difference. 

This is an example of me reflecting on my own decision-making process. So, considering those options, we’re going to assume that we have started this process with ample time, and we’ve considered the options, which is where the creativity part comes in, right? Yeah. And we can be helpful to kids who have limited experience and limited creativity. 

Yeah. They’re not going to be able to come up with nearly as many options because they’ve just not been down that road. But we can help them engage that really slow process, which is going to be a lot of work for them. And so, we’re probably going to need time and patience for us to be able to do that with them, because they’re going to be like, there are no other options. 

Oh, okay. Well, how about this, or what would you think about it from this view? Yeah, I mean, I have found that to be very much the case. I only see this, yeah, helping to have a more panoramic view is really difficult. So, we can’t expect them to be good at that. 

But I think just to see it again as a skill and something that we can help them develop over time. And then moving into the evaluation of what are the pros and cons maybe of each of these decisions. Here’s the short term, this one favors the short term here. This one favors the long term. This one favors what I would really like. This one maybe favors what the other person might like. This one favors what God would say, and just to be able to evaluate all of those things. So, this is what I learned in this moment. Which, again, when time is of the essence, it all goes away, right? 

Which is very much the problem. Sure. So that evaluation piece, separating and considering options to evaluate. When I’m under pressure and time is of the essence and I’m working with my children, sometimes I don’t provide them with options that I’m not interested in. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? Sure. So, even helping them see a larger landscape, I’m not interested in that. 

I actually want them to see only these two things or these three things, not these seven things. Well, these four things aren’t ideal, but that could come out in the evaluation stage, right? Why not? You know, why not have this? You know expansive and then allow the evaluation and work them through those things. Anyway, even as I see this, I see myself as a parent guiding this process. 

You’re like, oh man, I’m not sure I’d do that. And I think too, it also requires wisdom going back to that maturity or age. Like you don’t want to give a four-year-old 12 options. You could eat Twinkies for supper. That’s an option, right? But to give them a handful of options, then, to really slow down and give more expansive options to your teenager, but you’re exactly right. 

I think the challenge here is this takes a lot of time and purposefulness. Well, and I think of this, it warrants the topic as well. When we talk about options, we live in a day and an age with a ton of options, and that’s part of the paralysis. Exactly. It is. Actually, that could have gone on the previous slide about the landscape we live in. 

Yeah. Right. There are so many options. Yes, you could go to school around the world. Right. That’s possible. And online around the world. Let me talk about access today. Or vehicles, right? Or which yogurt do you pick? Oh, man, you know, you don’t have two options. 

You’ve got, well, too many, which takes a toll. Oh, that’s right. Exactly. And you don’t have the energy or the brainpower to invest as much time and effort as you would in the more important decisions.  

Part of the evaluation process can certainly be to just take the time to pray and think through seeking the Lord’s direction. And again, I think that even for our kids to just practice this posture of, okay, I’m ultimately not in charge or in control and I want to be directed by the Lord. 

I want to be thinking about what it is that he would want. What is it that he would say? And even if that doesn’t give specific direction in this decision, it’s still really important, an essential ingredient that we want to be a part of the mindset. Yeah, that’s really good. A lot needs to be stewarded there. 

What it means to sense the moving of God what it means to move without. The sense of moving from God, right? All of those things are really important lessons to learn for sure, and then finally deciding, okay, this is the action point we’re going to settle on and stepping into that. I hear some commitment at that. 

Right? Exactly. Like, this is the direction we’re going to go. And sometimes you’ll be really confident. Sometimes you won’t really know. And then on the other side, which we’ll get into, you’ll find out. Oh, that was a really good decision. Well, maybe not. Let’s go to that. So, the commitment has been made. 

Decisions have been made post decision skill set is then reflecting on the decision. Don’t miss the game for the gap. What do you mean by that? Well, it’s an interesting concept that what they’re finding is that those that tend to look at decision or just in life how their development is going, and they look at how they’ve moved forward and the gain that they’ve made that tends to be a really helpful framework. 

And those tend to do much better than the ones that look at the gap. And the gap is more looking back and saying this is how far I have to go yet, or I’m not where I want to be yet and focused on the room to go yet versus the gain is like how much progress you’ve made. And if you can focus on the progress you’ve made, that tends to be a much more helpful lens for engaging decision making or just engaging life and the risks that come. And I think it’s helpful to think about that. 

I think it’s really helpful in the sense of maybe the best decision wasn’t made or it didn’t pan out like we thought. Exactly. To be looking at, well, there have been steps made forward here and what are they? Yes, you exercised, you had stepped into the process and that’s good. 

There’s gain in that, even if it didn’t bring the outcome or what you thought was going to come. Because you are growing as a decision maker, which is what this whole thing is about. Right, and even in that, that’s going to give you opportunity likely to, okay, is there somebody to apologize for? Is there something that needs to be corrected in your decision making? 

And that’s sort of like gain versus just thinking about what didn’t go well or what you should have done better or different. Yeah. So, what I’ve learned here about the second point there, what does support look like now? One lesson that I’m learning is, this is mostly I guess the context right now, I’m thinking of more of my older children when they make a decision that I disagreed with, and again, I’m not talking about a tragic decisions that are immoral or anything like that, but a decision that I don’t think was wise or wasn’t that I support them in a way. 

That doesn’t say I told you so or support them in a way like kind of lean into that space and cheer them on which is easier to say than do. Because I want this to pan out the way I think it’s going to pan out. You need to learn but to step in and say, okay, they know I wasn’t keen on the idea, so I don’t need to say it again. 

Does that support piece make sense? It’s super hard to do. Oh, it is so hard. And a lot of times we won’t find ourselves doing it well, but I think when we do. My experience has been both as a parent as well as in the counseling room when we can do that it actually puts them in a much better position to learn from the decision and take responsibility for the decision. 

Whereas if I stay focused on I was right, you should have, that makes their defenses go up. And they’re going to be focused on defending what they did, rather than learning from it and engaging in that process, but that’s hard to do. So, yeah, keeping objective, not getting personal, and being able to separate them from the decision they made. 

Right. And they need to see Dad is able to see me separate from the decision I made. Right. And an opportunity to, obviously, God extends grace and forgiveness and patience with us. I don’t see him up there wagging his finger every time I blow it, thankfully. But he wants me to learn and grow and how can I extend that same sort of view, grace, and forgiveness with them and the things that they don’t get right. 

That’s really, that’s really helpful. You know, we’re nearing the end here and if anybody has a question they want to chat in or even un-mic yourself, unmute yourself and ask that question, now would be an excellent time. Excellent time to do that. Well, thank you. Thanks everyone for being on. I sure appreciate it. 

Thanks Brian. It’s been a pleasure. Thanks. So, we’ll sign off. Have a great day, everyone.