Parenting without Shame Podcast Episode
Shaming our kids – good intentions, yet with unintended poor consequences. We’ve all done it. Parenting out of exasperation. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling and Brian Sutter take a careful look at the messages we are sending our kids. Fortunately, a very healthy and redemptive future is possible.
What is Shame?
The idea that a person is, at their core, bad, unwanted and beyond repair.
Effects of Shame.
- Shame pushes your child into isolation.
- Shame says there is no hope. Because I’m broken and no one wants me.
Examples of Parental Shame.
- “I don’t care!”
- “You are the only 10-year-old who doesn’t get this!”
- “You will never amount to anything!”
- “You will never get it right!”
High-stakes Moments for Shame.
- When our kids are being creative.
- When our kids are being vulnerable.
- When we downplay interests and abilities that they have because they don’t match our expectations.
- When we don’t care about what they care about.
- When we are critical of them about things that cannot be changed.
- When our kids behave badly.
How do we unwind Shame?
- Call your child out from hiding and into community.
- Enjoy your kids.
- Celebrate their person.
- Show your kids approval.
Discipline that doesn’t Shame.
- Separates their behavior from their personal worth.
- Breaks the will but not the spirit.
- Support guilt where it is appropriate.
Nature of Shame.
- Shame shames.
- We will shame and will be shamed.
- Shame plays on lies and perpetuates lies.
- Depending on what meaning our kids create from a situation, even a non-shaming intent can incite shame.
- Christ took our shame. The gospel is the scrub that shame requires.