Navigating Technology With Children Webinar

Craig, as we begin this, I do think there’s a unique space that we find ourselves in when it comes to parenting and technology. They’re on the slide there. This is my attempt to capture, I think, the uniqueness and the difficulty of parenting. And that is parents are asked to lead through waters some of which they have not sailed themselves. Through some waters that, in fact, their kids are more experienced. Okay, so let me just set this up to say, I can parent my kids with relationships. I’ve been through that. I can say, oh, I remember what that was like. Or when they try to pull the wool over my eyes, like, I’ve already tried that, right?

Yeah. I’ve done that. I know what you’re thinking right now. We can do that with relationships. Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s character qualities and all of these types of things as we parent our kids in those waters that we ourselves have gone through. But what does it look like to parent in this place where we haven’t experienced something that they are maybe more experienced in than we are right now. That is an extra challenge. What a unique dynamic, Matt, and it’s almost like a generation of us parents, we kind of got ripped off from being smart to our kids because it’s just like what you said.

Oh, we did this, and I know how to do this. And now all of a sudden, this technology age comes into play. And, wow, they have done things, they have learned things that we just hadn’t. Those water pieces, as you said. I mean, how many grandparents have asked their six-year-old grandchild to help get them back to the home screen?

Yes. I’m lost, right? And so that adds an extra challenge, I think, and I think sometimes we, as parents, can go in one of two directions. We can go from one pole where we throw up our hands and we say, what I don’t know, better that I don’t know it, it’s too much for me, all the way to the other spectrum, maybe where we can really work ourselves into worry and anxiety, and we don’t want to go either of those poles, but we want to provide some teaching here in the middle. But as you think about this, I know you’ve looked a little bit at the evolution of technology in terms of what we’re dealing with today and how that might be different in the past.

Share a little bit about that. Yeah. Well, let’s just get in a little 30-year time capsule, okay? And we’re going to go back to 1993. So, the internet had just gone public domain. And then, some people remember this, this envelope started coming from AOL, American Online. It had a CD in it.

And all of a sudden, you could learn how to go online. And you remember the phone as that would dial up and that funny noise that became so common. And so that blasted things off only 30 years ago. And we’ll kind of chunk that into two blocks, 15 years and 15 years. So that first 15 years, you have that happening.

You had the invention of social media coming into play, you had My Space in 2003, then you had Facebook coming into play, which is geared first to college, but then expanded out in a huge way. Then from that, you’ve got a picture of some of these other things that came into play.

You had the cell phone, the smartphone, the apple, 1 G came out in 2007. You have then Twitter in 2006, Instagram in 2010, Snapchat in 2011, Pinterest in 2012, then TikTok in 2017. And so, we just had this continuous explosion, not to mention what was happening academically. More things were getting pushed into schools.

More computers were being used in the classroom, kids’ awareness and use of cut and paste clicking. And things started exploding as you said. Those of us who didn’t have any of that, some refer to as digital natives versus digital immigrants.

You’re born after 95. That’s kind of a given where they were raised in all of this. They had computers. They had email. They had video games. They had video cam recorders. They had cell phones; all of those things were part of their life growing up. There was never a time that they didn’t know those things, whereas we came in from a different end.

You know, and I think that’s important just to kind of note that as we approach this. I don’t see here at ACCFS, we’re not experts necessarily on technology. We do engage with a lot of parenting matters. We do engage with a lot of children. We understand that aspect.

But even as we address this topic, we do want to understand ourselves to know that we’ve got people in the pews of our churches that have vast knowledge on all of what you’ve said there, Craig, and the under workings of it. And so, perhaps in this webinar, we’re going to touch on some things that we feel are really important in parenting. But we’ve got wonderful resources in our churches to do this as well.

To set this up, I’ve got a soon to be five-year-old at home, a soon to be 20-year-old, okay, six children, and as I just thought through their technology use, I’ve come to believe, I’d like to explain the slide here, that as I see the technology use of my five-year-old is blooey, right? It’s entertainment. These types of things. And you can see there on the slide, entertainment starts pretty early anymore with iPads and all of these types of things. And that entertainment thread continues throughout the life of an individual who’s not using technology at some level for entertainment.

And then there’s a gaming piece, right? The kids start to get the gaming piece and this gaming might come on lots of different platforms, from Xbox to Nintendo to computer games and those types of things, and different game apps. And that gaming continues as well for amusement. Then we have education, as you mentioned, they go into the schools, and everybody gets assigned a device. And we have education coming along. And then as they get older, depending on when that phone comes to them, maybe some social media.

And now social media hits their radar, and they live with that. Then it becomes a place of news. And we could probably talk about, which maybe we could juggle some of the order here, but I see my kids now becoming exposed to the world.  And that technology now is a portal into their understanding of the world that they live in.

It’s really, really key. Then there’s tools, right? I’m setting my kids up with GPS so they can find their way with Google Maps, right? Or you’re using tools to do all kinds of different things, right? Google searches, and research, those types of things. And finally, who doesn’t use it at some level in their work?

Even the careers that you would think are hands-on are still very tied to technology. So, Craig, as you look at this, as you see the impact of technology and its footprint on our lives, I want to note there that parenting span. I want you to speak to that in light of all of what we’ve said here is as the age of the child grows, we do have the opportunity right here to do some parenting in this space.

Yeah, absolutely, Matt. And as you look for all those things, those are all going to be part of what our kids will be engaging in in this world. To be salt and light, to be used. So, they’re all going to be a piece of this just as we are. We came in at a different perspective. We had to learn on the back end where they have been pre-loaded up the front. And they’ve been raised with that. But we still get an opportunity to speak into that. And I think we get to use those things to our advantage in a sense, all of those things are vital for our kids to know, but we get to use those things to our advantage to step into for our kids.

And I think knowing a little bit about where our kids are at and what they’re engaging in really is going to bring some teaching alongside some parenting. Certainly, as my younger boys are into the games right now, my older children are into that social piece and they’re navigating those waters because that’s what’s been added now to their life via technology.

I think the challenge that we have with technology is that it becomes so easy to be isolating and when our kids isolate, they go into their own rooms and they play the games or they’re online with their friends, or they’re just on social media and we don’t see them, and they just disappear.

Where are the kids at? And we wonder where they go and what they have. And it used to be back a little bit of that timeline. And it used to be the big old computer sitting in the kitchen. And if you want time, you had to sign up for a slot at the kitchen table to get your computer time.

And then all of a sudden, with the cell phone and the smartphone, all of a sudden, that became very big, individualized, almost I can be anonymous. Now I can disappear, and that creates a different dynamic that I think we have to speak into the element of that. And we have to be able to see that’s an opportunity to educate our kids.

Yeah. And one of the questions that we appreciate everybody who has submitted some questions and I’m not sure that we’ll be able to do all of the questions justice, but one concept that comes up repeatedly is boundaries. How to navigate boundaries. And certainly, boundaries come into picture as we talk about all manner at every level of what’s on the screen here.

And I think every parent is wondering what the magical boundary is. And there’s no silver bullet here, but I’d love to hear your thoughts, Craig, maybe on the needs for boundaries or maybe how to think through boundaries. Certainly, it’s nuanced in a thousand ways, but here’s some of your thoughts on that you shared earlier, there’s a tendency to just eliminate it all, right? I can solve this problem. Not at all. Versus I don’t know what’s going on, but everyone else is using these, you complain. So now just go, right? And so, there are those two spectrums. Neither one is helpful. So how do we step into the middle of that with boundaries and remember boundaries have effectiveness for keeping things in. But then they also have effectiveness in keeping things out and to bring out a parenting approach and is that I want to keep some good things in and boundaries are a beautiful way to do that for my kids to keep some things in, keep our values in, our faith in God and how he’s asked us to live.

Those elements of our family, how our family wants to live, our church, family, our community, how do we love our neighbors as ourselves? And so, there’s beautiful things that we get to keep in and to be able to recognize that boundaries allow us to do that. And even as the progression of this slide here shows things moving at a different level at a different rate. I think boundaries with our kids are models. Well, after that same principle, we’re progressive with where our kids are at when they start young. We’re not even talking about when do I give a cell phone at the first age, but even with technology coming with our little kids and how do we set boundaries? What does that look like? And to be able to have those and to move into this.

I think that’s helpful, Craig. And even as we, I think sometimes the discussion of boundaries is really, let’s get some ideas out there. What are people doing? When I say so far, we have not given a smartphone to our kids until they’re 15. That’s been our decision. And I think there are problems with that. And I think there’s value in that. And that’s where we’ve landed. But I don’t mean to pretend that’s the right answer for everybody. But there are some nuances in our family and in our school life that allow that to happen. But what I hear you saying, Craig, is what’s your reason for it?

What’s your reason for the boundary that you’re putting in place? Certainly, screen time is something that we tussled back and forth with kids about. Why would I ask for a time of reprieve from screens before bed, for example, or at the table, for example, or maybe on Sunday, for example, or when we’re at grandma’s house, right?

So, what is the reason behind some of the boundaries, I think is maybe even the more important question. If we get that part right, then it gives us more confidence to fight the battle on the other side. Most kids are not fans of boundaries and technology. I mean, that phone to them it’s almost this constitutional right.

I should have a right to a phone, and it should be mine 24/7. And there’s a mindset that comes so easily with that. And how do we step into that and teach them to think deeper, to teach them to think wider and broader about this phone that they’re having and what goes with that? I think that really lends us now to where we’re going with this webinar, Craig.

I would like to approach this parenting matter with four prongs, right? We can see them there on the screen. I would like to be instructive, protective, engaging, and redeeming with our discussion and technology. Okay. And so, when I think of instructive, I’m thinking, what should we be teaching our kids?

What needs to come alongside the technology use while we do have boundaries, maybe, you know, we’re trying to. Well, to think back to this parenting, we’re trying to progressively parent, right? Because we can see that while there’s no end bracket on parenting. I get it. There’s no end bracket on parenting.

There is at some level with technology. Yes, there is going to be a time when they’ll go make their own decisions. And so how do we prepare them for that? And really having that end bracket somewhat in view, I think is important. And so, we’re going to talk about what we should be instructing our kids?

Then what should we be talking to our kids in a protective manner about? What should they be alerted to? What should we be engaging in terms of discussion with our kids? And then what should we be using and redeeming? Okay. Now, these four things I want to capture, this is supposed to be ideas for parents. To engage their kids with these four things.

Okay. So, while today, hopefully, this is instructive, protective, engaging, redeeming for those who are listening, hopefully, these can be lifted off the slides and taken in our conversations with our kids. Does that make sense? Yeah. So, let’s go there, Craig. And I want to start with instructive and you’ve helped me put some ideas down on the slide.

And I want you to speak to this. When we talk about being instructive and teaching our kids. Yeah. There are a thousand things to say, but we’re going to limit our conversation here to teaching our kids the power of attention, teaching our kids the economy of social media, and teaching our kids the technology algorithms.

Again, there’s a thousand other things to say. Let’s just talk about these. Pick one and unpack it. Great. Yeah. Well, let’s start with maybe what is just that biological connection, dopamine. We have this beautiful chemical that God put into us to be able to reinforce us to things that we enjoy the things that we like, whether a certain food or a hug from mom and dad or that puppy or chasing lightning bugs or who we get ice cream from. All those things just tweak that little dopamine piece in our brain that says this is a good thing. Let’s do this again. And so that’s a piece of us. That’s a piece of our kids. That’s a piece of our young kids. That’s a piece of our team. They have that piece God given in their brain. That’s firing when things that come along that are good. And especially those things, and this is where it really tangles into technology, especially those things that are new and those things that got flashes to them. And so, you see the bright colors and the dings and the pings and all those things. Those sounds and visuals are making our brain go, whoa, this is new, what’s going on? And it just releases that interest.

And so, you’re really bringing this to a very biological level. And again, what Craig is saying here is this is some conversations we need to be having with our young people, our children need to maybe know the term dopamine. That might need to be a household term. Right now, your dopamine is firing. And what we mean by that is it is a feel-good neuro pathway. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but there is something biologically firing in your brain right now that is making it very difficult for you to say no. It’s making it very difficult for you to set it down to stop swiping to turn it off.

And I think there’s a level of help when we understand that. Oh, this is biological in some way. Because man, we all understand that urge and how difficult it is to fight it. Right? Yeah. And I think about how strong that is for kids to say, I love my mom and dad. I want to obey my mom and dad. They told me to leave the phone downstairs at night, but I will sneak down and get it. Why would I do that? Why will I go against that? Yeah. I might be able to see what my friends are doing, but there’s that other piece that’s taking away and kicking away and for them to recognize that this isn’t just a battle of well, how many bars do I have?

There’s more going on and to be able to equip them to that battle. Yeah. So, when they’re in the third point there on the slide, we’re talking about technology algorithms. And algorithm used to be a word that only mathematicians knew. Discrete mathematics is a wonderful class that uses algorithms. But an algorithm is really a process that is followed to bear out a result. And it’s a process that often gets refined to find the most efficient process, or the most efficient end, or it might maximize a result or minimize a result. That’s all algorithms. But what we’re seeing here with technology is there are algorithms feeding us the next news feed, feeding us the next advertisement, feeding us the next person that we probably would like to follow.

Yeah. And to understand that there is an algorithm on the back end of this again, they’re really good at what they do. Again, something helpful for our kids to know. And I like how your second point there talks about if you’re not paying for the product that you are the product. And how well that ties into that algorithm discussion with our kids and to be able to share with them that what they are looking for is your information and it’s not just because they’re interested in you, but there’s a use to that and it’s all about, in their sense, making money.

And they’re paying their bills and they’re making other stockholders happy, but it’s all about them as a product and for our kids to know that. It’s not just this benign piece of metal and plastic, but that there’s a lot going on there that we get to teach into that.

You know, Craig, you talk about social media, and I think this is also a really good conversation to have with our kids because it’s incredible, it’s free. And imagine the power that we have for a lot of powerful apps are free and even some apps that you pay for are really cheap.

Right. And so, how do you say no to free? Right. And not that we need to say no to free but the point is that social media platform does function as a business. And if you didn’t pay for the product, you probably are the product. Yes. And I just had this wake-up call last week when I learned an email platform that I was using was probably, since I didn’t pay for it was free, using my information. Things that pass through that email probably are not real secure. And when I first learned it, Craig, I was appalled. Because, well, that’s my email. And then when I thought through this, did I pay for that? No, I didn’t. So, I wonder how they’re making this work.

Yeah. Right. So that’s really the type of teaching that we have to have with our kids these days. Right. And how often will they be on their phone, and something comes up, hey, download this game and it’s free and you think, wow, that’s a great thing to do, but they don’t know all the other elements that are going on behind. Why would someone offer me something free? But to be able to speak into that, to give them an insight to what is going on behind the scenes of this piece of metal and plastic that I hold in my own hand. Powerful concepts, the power of attention is something that we’ve spoken to in a number of different ways here at ACCFS, but I think it’s also another important thing to teach kids, Craig, we become what we pay attention to and technology is a master at capturing attention.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And we get back to that dopamine piece and that’s not accidental. They call in the designing of the technology and the smartphones and the apps, they call it a pervasive psychology. So, they are studying what makes our brain click, what gets our attention. And they integrate that, right? Because they know that we become that when we pay attention to it, we get into this loopy, right? They give us more. We want more. They give us more. We get caught into that looping piece. And so that’s not accidental. And to be able to speak to that, the colors, even the types of colors, there’s some colors they will not use because they don’t capture attention, but some colors are very attention grabbing.

And so, they said to just plow in that color, those types of sounds and all of those things are speaking to us. So, we pay attention more. Yeah. You know, I think sometimes we can maybe cast the technology off. Is it that there’s a demon back here trying to get me to do certain things that they’re just really good at capturing and keeping attention.

Just like processed food has gotten really good at taste. Yeah. I mean, just this week, I finished off the bag of M and M’s because there was an assortment, and it was too delicious. They really shouldn’t be making something so delicious. I mean, how is a guy supposed to say no to this, right?

But I need to. But it’s really similar, isn’t it? We live, I think, I almost wonder if that could capture part of the era in which we live. Yeah. And that is, whether it’s process and technology has taken that on, where they have become very good at tickling the taste buds or the brain dopamine, right?

Yes. I think for our kids to know that’s what’s at stake here. Let’s understand the platform that we’re using, just like we’ve taught them about the dangers of the road. The road has got beautiful advantage and danger, right? And if we don’t understand the power of something, if I don’t understand the power of the road, the power of the car, the power of the gun, we’re going to get ourselves hurt.

Yeah. And this is where teaching comes in. Matt, you had mentioned that connection with food and someone who I had listened to was speaking into the technology boundaries and limits. And one of the things that she’s spoken to, which I really liked her word definition, is she said, how do we speak to our kids about screen time?

It’s not all bad. But how do we help our kids to learn there’s a difference between healthy, useful screen time and screen time that maybe it’s just entertainment or it has no value or benefit. And she referred to it as candy or veggie. So, there is candy screen time, but then there’s also veggie or if you want to use protein or vitamins, I suppose you could.

But she looked at, we don’t live off a diet of candy. We need a balance. And some stuff, we love candy. And candy makes us crave more candy, just like I will crave more stuff that is just endless and just takes away my time. And I’m like, where’d all my time go? But she talks about that being the candy version of the screen and to be recognizing that some of it’s just candy and I can eat a lot of candy, but usually I don’t feel good at the end of it, you know, and I really like that because I think that provides a good lens.

Before the nuance of boundaries. I think probably the problem with boundaries is it’s so black and white, that you mentioned it keeps things out, keeps things in, and sometimes we don’t let the right things in and the right things out. But really what you’re saying is to approach even our boundaries, perhaps, on what is it that we’re talking about?

Is this candy or veggies on digital? Because there is mediocre entertainment, there is terrible entertainment, and then there’s really good entertainment, right? And to be able to sort that out, and I think in parenting this space, we need to be able to sort that out because our kids see that and they’re going to see the falseness of boundaries.

They’re not paying attention to those nuances, right? And if you offer a kid a plate of processed baked goods or a healthy portion of protein and meat and, and a veggie. Most of them will say, I’m going to go with the candy. I’m going to go with the cake. And so, we understand that natural gravitation to that, but how to teach the difference and distinguish between the two.

So, I think we’re going to get there. So, this is teaching, instructive parents. We have things to be teaching our kids, and these are just three of many. Let’s go now to the protective. I think this is something that’s on our radar. And so, what these would be if these are conversations to have with our kids, Craig, that we need to alert them to.

Okay. Now we’ve got three things on the screen here because we need to limit our content someplace, but I think the first one, unhealthy screen content, is something that’s on our radars. We are aware that there’s entertainment games, photos, videos, so on and so forth that are full. Yeah. Sextortion is big. I want to spend some time on sextortion. I want you to speak to that. And then certainly there’s a security issue down at the bottom.

So, choose anyone you want. Yeah, well, looking at the general, I think that would be on our radar of those general things, right? All the things that can fall into entertainment, games, photos, videos, the articles and all of those things that can maybe not be harmful in a small dose or initially, but over time they can become progressively more harmful or more causing and taking more.

So, recognizing the progression of that, you know, apps in themselves aren’t bad. The use or the overuse or the misuse of those become bad. Who we let in and all those types of pieces become bad and are harmful in that sense, right? Someone that I had read, she was like, so what’s a good time for kids to get on and to have a cell phone or get on an app?

And she was like, she goes, it’s not really about should or when she’s just like we have to acknowledge that we, as parents, are in a harm reduction mode. There’s good out there, but there’s also a lot of harm out there, and that we have to have both of those pieces and be able to speak into those. Looking at sex portion a bit, that’s a really tough thing in that it, we talk about a progression, right, progression from pictures to be able to being sent to cell phones that could take pictures, but now also can do videos to now to live streaming to the different apps and the different ways people can engage that is from someone I don’t know, and I don’t even know their identity.

So, you look at all of those progressions that have happened in the technology advancement. That allow us to sadly talk about sextortion. Yeah, which is something that can happen as someone who thinks they’re talking to maybe this, you know, pretty young thing from the next state over who also likes basketball and softball and baseball like I do, and we start to connect and engage and all of a sudden things get asked, things get shared. And then all of a sudden something pops up on the other screen that says you’re not talking to a 16-year-old girl from the school but we’re now going to demand money from you because we have photos and videos of you doing things that you don’t want people to know.

So, this is such a dark conversation. Yeah, Craig, but it does need to be said, and we do need to be to be on the alert for this. Because it’s not impossible. In fact, I have seen this happen with people. And so, what a predator does is they groom an individual, they get that individual to do something they know they shouldn’t have done, whether take a picture of themselves, send a picture, send a video, something, and then what they do is they take that and hold that over them. And demand money. Yeah. Or demand a bank account or ask additional info and pretty soon they get that young person in a very difficult bind.

And that young person is feeling shameful. They feel like they can’t share. Sometimes that’s part of what the predator does say. If you share this, this is what I’m going to do. You can’t talk to anybody. And so, there’s been some very, very sad cases of suicide where a young person doesn’t know what to do.

Right. Imagine, you know, a life of 14 years, they don’t have that much perspective. And this is an atomic bomb in their life. And speaking of that, this does tend to prey on young teenage boys more than the female counterpart. Right. So, you can see some tendency there. All of that to say, I think this should be a conversation we should be having with our kids.

Yeah. And this conversation can be more effective when we’ve already had a conversation with our kids about being open. Being open with technology, being open with what they see, with what they receive. It’s interesting, Matt, when I talk with kids at school. When you say being open, being vulnerable with mom and dad, having a dialogue, being able to engage. Right. Even before, you know, anything has happened. Right. You know, when I ask kids at school about, hey, if this happened, you know, someone sent you a picture or asked you for a picture, I go, you know, what’s right. I said, how many of you would let your mom and dad know?

And these are 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds out of a room of 20. I will be lucky to get one hand though. And then I’ll ask him, and I’ll say, why not? Why would you not share this? And probably the number one answer, Matt is, yeah. Oh, I don’t want to lose my phone. So, they have this fear that if I tell mom and dad something, then the immediate response is I’m going to lose my phone.

Yeah. So how do we, as parents speak into the openness of that without also them thinking automatically, okay, that’s it. I’m going to lose my phone. That’s key, Craig. I’ll just share the story after coming to understand this particular matter at the dinner table, I addressed it. Okay. I said to my kids. I said, guys, I want to talk to you a little bit about the term called sextortion. And I explained it as you explained it. I explained that the person might share videos or that, you know, feel bad and then blackmail and then go get in a bind. And this is really difficult. I finished the whole thing.

And I said to my kids, what is the very most important thing I want you to take away from this conversation? I just wanted to hear, what do you think the most important thing? So, you know, my 13-year-old boy said, never take photos of yourself. Never share photos of yourself. I said, I’m so glad you learned that, but that’s not the most important thing I want you to learn from this conversation. All right. Who else? My daughter spoke up and said you know, don’t engage with anybody that you don’t know who they are. Yeah. I’m so glad you learned that from this conversation, but that is not the most important thing.

And the point I’m trying to make here is our kids can miss the most important thing for all of our rules. Yeah. Don’t talk to somebody you don’t know online. Don’t ever share a nude picture of yourself. Yeah. The most important thing. And finally, they got it. Actually, without my prompting, they said, be able to come and talk to you about it.

I said, yes, that is it. That’s what I want you to learn from this. Yeah. Don’t do all those other things. Yeah. There is nothing that you need to hide from me, you know, but you’re saying that needs to be building. Yeah, absolutely, and as you share that I just think of the picture of Adam and Eve in the garden, right?

You just talked about where are you? Yeah, that relationship piece, right? Why are you hiding from me and that comes so naturally and easy and, in our nature, and especially in the nature that has sin. And how beautiful that illustrates, right? Where are you? I’m looking for you. And that we get to share that message with our kids that we want to know and then all these other pieces we get to fill in.

That’s great. So unhealthy screen content. These are all things that we should be alerting our kids to some of them. They kind of already know, and we were talking about them. Maybe some of this might be new. I’m finding a new with my older kids’ security. I’m finding that I’m finding more conversations saying, oh, that message that came across your text about your package that you never ordered.

And the link that you’re supposed to go to, that’s baloney. You didn’t order anything from UPS. That is, but for a 19-year-old, right. Who is, you know, kind of doing life and starting to do things and make decisions. And they don’t know how the world works and there is a need for security to know that.

Anyway, so I think that’s an important point. And that’s progressive, right? As they work into getting paychecks someday and having online banking and some of those things, the passwords. All of those things are so vital that are a piece of this security piece.

Yep. Okay. Well, let’s move then to engage. We’ve really kind of addressed some beautiful groundwork here for engage. These are things that we should be discussing with our kids. So, these are points for different questions. I don’t know that we’ll address them all fairly. I think some of them are intuitive as we read them.

But, Craig, take one and expound what you want to say. Engaging the kids. Yeah, I think we already shared that piece of the not everyone that asked me for a friend request or reaches out to me or wants to connect with me that there’s a good chance that that may not be who that is. Right? So, I’ve already spoken a little bit about real or fake, my identity, that’s not uncommon for people to make up fake identities or fake accounts and then try to bully or harass people or to make fun of people or to do things.

So, to be aware that is happening and to ask the kids about that, have you seen that? Has that ever happened? You know, step into that. Not in a sense of you’re going to get in trouble, but just to see what they’re seeing, what they’re hearing. And some of our kids. Maybe that’s very minimal, but others, they are seeing a lot. And for us to ask them about it is important.

I think so too. I think there’s something really key here with real and fake, and it really raises, I think, great conversations that we can be having everywhere from that Instagram post. How much of that was real? How much of it was fake? You get an image of a beautiful life. You get an image of glee and happiness. But do you think there are things behind the scenes? Do you think there are things outside of the picture? Perhaps this is portraying love. Is it love? What is love? And we live in a world where real and fake are so blurred. I think that is a role that as parents we need to step into. To help them understand what real marriage is. What is real love? What does real faithfulness look like? I’ll take it even an example of a commercial that about makes me want to sign up for the Marines, you know what I mean? I mean, swinging down from a helicopter and all of this and the music and all of this, they do a great job and I want to say thank you to our military men and women.

That’s not my point. My point is how real is it? Can you imagine what the life in the military is like? That’s a great conversation to have with a young person, a young boy. When they’re taking in all of this through technology. And especially as that gets woven into their gameplay. And the realness of that and just so much of that is so powerfully visually connecting. And for them to be able to have a distinction of that and to understand that, because it’s very difficult when those things get blended together. I think something else to consider in that true or false or fake pieces is there’s a strong desire to be connected and that kind of follows up.

But what I do when someone is trying to connect with me and I don’t know if I want to connect back with them, am I obligated to someone wants to connect with me or for me to accept their invitation or friend request or whatever that is. Am I obligated to do that? Do I have to do that?

And I think sometimes some kids get caught in that. I’m like, well, if you didn’t know the person, why did you accept them. And they’re like, well, I don’t know. It’s because they asked. And it was like, wait a second, let’s think through that. There’s a whole set of etiquette here that that is lagging behind our technology.

There’s an etiquette, a code of ethics or a code of behavior on how to eat a meal. That’s been pounded out through time. What does it look like on technology? What should I be interrupted with? How do I stop the conversation I’m having in real time with a person? Because of technology, right? What are the rules there? You know what I mean? Yeah, but we find there’s a lot of good places to discuss on. Yeah. How we engage with the technology that we have, right? And Matt, I know you may not be a big Snapchat person, but you know, you got to keep your streaks going, right?

That’s right. So now when you give your password to someone else, when you’re grounded from your phone for a week, so they can keep your streaks going, I mean, would you do that? Oh, my goodness. Have you heard that in your office? More than once or twice. Oh, my goodness. Well, they’re good. Boy, that speaks to a lot of what these points that have been made, I think speaks to this wellbeing.

We had a question come in about the mental health of technology. We do see a toll, don’t we? Mental health toll via technology on kids. And we’re recognizing the research on that. And there’s been some phenomenal looking at this kind of bubble of teen depression. I mean, we’re talking 25, 30 percent jumps. We’re talking about jumps in teen suicide, not just attempts, but actual success rate.

There was this huge jump that happened right around 2012, 2015. And researchers started looking at that. And they concluded, and some draw a very straight line, that this is when the smartphone usage crossed over the 50% line for kids. And that is over 50%. And I think research now says that 90 to 95% of teens have a smartphone. 50% will have had that by age 11 and 70% will have had that by age 12. Wow. And so that connection piece of yes, connecting, but also recognizing the wellbeing. Hours and hours and hours deplete my sleep. So, I’m sleep deprived, which impacts my decision making. I have the fear of missing out, right? FOMO.

And so now I see all my friends got together Friday night and I didn’t get to go. They didn’t ask me. So now we’re getting this isolation and ruminating of, am I not their friend anymore? Do they want me, you know, what’s going to happen with that? And so many different things are getting tangled into the wellbeing.

I don’t know if that’s something that we’re able to say, okay, you stab a complete clean solution on that. But how do we speak in and navigate that with our teens, especially our young teens, that there is a window that it can be helpful, that there is some good connection piece. And it actually does benefit some kids.

But the bigger window is that it’s going to really, really have an impact. You know, the phrase that comes to me, Craig, when you explain all that is helping our kids make sense of their experience, helping them make sense of this world. I think that’s part of the parenting project, right? Help your kids make sense of the world. And they’re getting it via the technology. That’s their access. So how do I process not being invited to that? How do I process the posting of it? And I think we’re getting back to the real and fake. Even with our well-being, the anxiety, perhaps the discouragement that some of us feel is based on something fake, but they don’t know it’s fake now, what is fake and what is real.

And this is really, really helpful. I can say that with some of my older kids, this concept of comparing ourselves is becoming a household term. Oh, let’s be careful not to compare ourselves. And it’s come via technology because it is now at a premium. And we’re not even comparing, like you said, what is real. There’s often fabricated, or photos have been enhanced or changed or different. It’s almost like we don’t even get a real picture of what we think is real. I’m discouraged about something that actually was made up. Yes. But I thought it was real.

So here are ideas to discuss. We didn’t cover them all, but I think these would be all great things to have a conversation around the dinner table about, or at least be thoughtful and engage with our kids because technology has its finger in all these places.

Let’s go to the, you got some just on the power of relationships. I think we cannot over speak. We cannot speak enough into the need to be connected. And that’s what makes all of this so powerful for our kids. It gives them a way to be connected, right? Old times, you used to go down and hang out at the Walmart parking lot, or used to go to Main Street, or used to have the gatherings at the barn, or whatever.

They’re just doing all that we did, but they’re doing it through their technology and just to be able to speak into why does that speak so loudly to them and then to ask the question, does technology solve all of your connection? Does it solve all your needs and to be able to say no, it doesn’t actually.

So how do we engage them in that conversation? You’re coming back to some very basic ideas that have withstood. They’re timeless ideas of connection and human relationship, which I think, is a good lead in to our next one, which is redeem. Yeah, I, you know, these are things that we should be encouraging.

And this list of five things isn’t all of it. But to be fair, I think technology, we’ve got technology for a reason. Yeah, right. I mean, if it was nothing, if it was just poison only, I would hope that we would reject it ourselves, but we don’t. Right. Here’s some ideas. Share some, take any of these.

I think some of these are self-explanatory. Especially the stay connected piece, the safety piece. I like to know when my kids are at peace of mind. When my girl’s around on the road at night and she’s got a license, they can contact me. Yeah. And if not, if I have the find me feature, I can look up and say, okay, I know exactly where they’re at right now.

So, there’s a piece of that that we appreciate that way. And I think there’s an interesting exchange that when cell phones first came out, the parents were like, ah, I get on my cell phone and they’re automatically going to be safe because I will now be able to have access if they need me. We recognize that there’s a lot of other issues that came into play, but it was a beautiful one at the beginning.

I think you’re right. I think safety might be the number one reason we put it in our hands. Yeah. Early on, you know, I think teaching concepts, for example, there are just masterful teachers, whether it’s to teach all kinds of concepts. You know, even Bible and devotional things, Matt.

Some people can say it really well. And with pictures and all of these types of things, it’s been helpful even to help the family learn a certain concept. I think of another, we had a missionary couple that we were following as they share the gospel, tremendous access into these very distant places of the world, where it brought that to our dinner table in a meaningful way.

Yeah, right. And for families that are separated or apart where someone had to move or someone’s in the hospital and all those types of things. I mean, we have that access to stay connected and to help our kids learn. Hey, we have zoom night with grandpa and grandma in Florida one night a week and they’re able to grow and stay connected in that. And there are some beautiful pieces that are woven into that.

I like that. And there are tons of things to encourage, but as we think about our kids, what can we be encouraging and their use of technology. We only have one slide left and that is some resources. I’m going to be going to that, but I do want to mention to our listeners if you have any questions, you can do a couple of things. You can unmute yourself and ask that question. This would be a good time for that, or you can chat it in.

There’s a chat feature and you can chat a question in as well. I am going to go ahead and go to the resource slide, but feel free to interrupt me and to do just that.

Craig, we’ve got a technology web page on our website. I know you’ve got some favorite sources or resources there. What would they be? Yeah, this will move into some of the questions that people had brought in earlier. So how do I or what’s a good age or how do I step into that?

And I think some of these resources really speak into that, Matt, as I encourage you to look through to say, okay, so what does this say? What am I currently doing? And all families are going to have a little tweaking of difference. And so, I think the question is really to say. Am I doing something?

At least start with that. And now if I’m planting new ground, all right, so here my first born is seven and we’re just talking about some of these beautiful things, right? That’s a different thing than, all right, I got a 15-year-old, 16-year-old, and an 18-year-old, and they’ve all had a phone now for three to four years.

And for me to step in and say, hey, I have some ideas. Okay. That’s going to be a different adventure in the field, but it’s still one that’s worth having a line on. So, you’ll find some resources there, even like contracts. Here’s a sample contract you might have with your young person when they get a cell phone they absolutely needed.

I know we’ve used some of that. You know, it’s fascinating, Craig. I got six children from five to 20 and you do one thing with the oldest. And you can pretty much decide what to do with the oldest, number five comes along, and you have lost the leverage. Why have you lost leverage in some ways?

Well, it’s because they’re living in a different world and there are different things, access to them simply because of the older ones and you find yourself doing all kinds of pivoting but hopefully some of these resources are a helpful place for parents to stay on top of it. I think it’s woven into the technology one and some of the others, but I think one that’s often overlooked.

That’s a great resource for parents. It’s just your local cell phone provider, your service provider. Ask them, go on their site, see what they have for parent controls. We loved using that. It costs us a couple extra bucks a month, but we love being able to set limits on so many different things that put you in control that the kid doesn’t even have to navigate that. You’ve already eliminated that challenge. So, there are just some resources out there that, yeah, the iPhone has done great. I can go in to my kids and put some websites on there that I don’t want them ever going to.

Yeah, I’ve got that control. I can also turn certain things off at 10 o’clock at night as well. There is a lot that’s made available. Now the bottom one here is talk to people who know. And again, we mentioned, we’re not experts, but there are people who are really savvy and doing great things and they’re right in our church families.

Reach out to them. Focus on the Family’s got a great resource. Common Sense Media has a great resource. I like to read up on their information. They’ll unpack a new app, for example, in a way as a teacher, I use that to realize that, okay, there’s something I’m missing here. My students are doing something I don’t know.

And I could figure out perhaps what app they were using and how they were using it on their websites. And Common Sense, if you get on their mailing list, they will send you updates of, hey, this is the next new game or app that’s out. And they also are positive. You know, they say, hey, there are good things that are out there. Here are some good apps. Here are some good things to see. They are not Christian based, so I don’t agree or line up with all of their conclusions. I found them to be very fair. At least being forthright with what it is you’re going to experiment.

Maybe somebody’s got a question, feel free to unmute yourself and ask it or chat it in. Gentlemen, one quick question, if I could just while we wait if anybody else has a question. And just, Craig, I’m going to ask you maybe an unfair question, but given your experience working with young people over the years from a variety of situations, what is one thing you wish every parent would do in regard to technology? Thank you. For young people, if you could, if you had the microphone and the power for the day, what is one thing that you would tell parents or encourage them to do.

Yeah, great question, Arlan. I think I would really speak to their need to be noticed and their need to be connected. And that really speaks to their heart, especially as someone who’s trying to emerge from a child to a young adult, and they’re looking and they’re seeking for that. And they’re going to sometimes, at some point, they’re going to exchange that. Okay, I know mom and dad love me, but now I got to test these out in the waters of life.

What do other people say about me, or what are other people going to notice about me? And that we keep making sure we’re filling into our kids’ cups and that even if they may be a little resistant to that, but that we keep pouring into them are our affirmation, our love, our encouragement for them, what we notice in their strengths and how God has created them and to keep pouring that into them, knowing that there will be a battle, knowing that there will be a challenge to that, but that we have their pantry stocked, they’re cupboard stocked as full as possible. So, when they enter into that world, they at least have something to go to.

I love that, Craig. I think, as dark as this world might get, and I don’t want to be a doomsayer or anything like that, how beautifully God’s grace is equipping and blossoming in tremendous ways, you just gave a great example of that. I do think we have a need to speak into the value of our kids more.

And maybe what we had to in the past, and I find myself telling my girls that they’re pretty, I think, maybe more because of this world and technology than maybe what I would have had it not been there. I want them to know that I am pleased with them. You know what I mean? And I’m not sure I would have had that same impetus had this not been the case.

Because they are getting asked that question, aren’t they? They are getting told things behind the scenes, whatever. It doesn’t even have to be something intentionally malicious. Just the common culture of the world today will be sending a message to them. And for them to be able to have truth to at least deviate from, but they have to at least know where we are at in our love and connection with them.

So good question, Craig. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being here. Thanks, each one for being on and it’s been a pleasure to serve you in this way. Have a great day. Thank you.