The Journey to a Healthy Marriage

In many ways, all of life can be viewed as a process of growth – from one stage to the next. The apostle Paul shares in Colossians 2:6-7 “As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.” He used the analogy of a plant (“rooted”) and a building (“built up”). As believers, we walk as we have received Christ when we were newborn believer’s, by grace through faith, and yet we are called to be building on this firm foundation and establishing a good root system that receives ongoing nourishment from Christ. Similarly, healthy Christian marriages form a foundation from where a healthy church and a healthy mission can grow. “If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3) 

Healthy Christan marriages begin long before couples say, “I do.” The marriage journey is an important, multi-faceted discipleship path with various phases that will affect many within the church. When someone is considering marriage, we can quickly go to “who”. During engagement, we can quickly get focused on wedding details. And, during early marriage, the focus can be on starting a family or pursuing careers. All these things are helpful and important, but we do well to also remember the overall marriage journey. Viewing the marriage journey as a longer-term discipleship path sets healthy expectations for development while providing a healthy foundation that is durable and lasting. The marriage journey involves several phases including considering marriage, engagement, early years, middle years, and late years. We will focus on the first three phases in this article.  

Considering Marriage 

In this phase individuals are beginning to contemplate the idea of marriage, or they are in active conversations about marriage. The time frame varies for each individual and during this phase, reflection and introspection are needed around one’s personal spiritual walk, growth, and maturity. How engaged and active is someone in their local church? Are they leading an overcoming life demonstrated by resisting temptation and sin? This reflection may also include a consideration of how an individual is navigating the various relationships in their life. Next, we consider how an individual is approaching the marriage decision. Are they viewing it as a discernment process grounded in faith and godly wisdom? Or is the emphasis only placed on who the individual will be marrying?  

Active counsel from elders, ministers, or mentors is a critical aspect of this phase. Seeking input from others willing to provide you with encouragement, caution and a different perspective is important for growth and maturity. Individuals considering marriage need to grow in having a healthy understanding of Christian marriage. Examples of this healthy understanding can include viewing Christian marriage and singleness as equally valued in Scripture; understanding marriage is not a “fix” for our struggles; marriage is an opportunity to learn about and exercise spiritual leadership, submission, gender differences, and emotionally healthy bonding. Awareness and evaluation of factors that could lead to marriage struggles is also important. Such factors may include a history of any the following: abuse, trauma, alcohol or drug addiction/abuse, same-sex attraction, sexually inappropriate behavior such as pornography, mental health issues, controlling or emotionally abusive behavior, disabilities, or poor financial management decisions. These factors can all have a large impact on the future health of a marriage relationship and should be considered as marriage is approached. 

Engagement 

The engagement phase is where individuals are publicly engaged and moving toward a wedding. During engagement, healthy marriage preparation should happen prior to the wedding. This begins by creating an honorable relational environment with clear boundaries. In this environment, premarital couples should be growing and deepening their intimacy as they learn about each other. It can be an exciting time filled with much growth. Couples learn about how they give and receive love similarly and differently. They have opportunities to communicate and make decisions regarding details around the wedding or their future together. Spending time together can also begin to expose gender and personality differences that will inevitably impact their relationship, and it will be important to grow in understanding and acceptance as they learn to work through these differences in healthy way.  

Engagement is a time to intentionally deal with issues that arise, whether proactively or reactively. This may require ongoing premarital counseling or actively receiving counsel from their elder and other mentor couples. This phase involves the beginning transition of leaving father and mother and cleaving to one another (Gen. 2:24). Open conversation around realistic expectations and how to honor parents while encouraging couples to look first to each other when making decisions is a learning process that can be uncomfortable at times. There are several helpful tools for couples to use during this phase to support healthy relational growth. One common tool is the Prepare assessment. This assessment can provide an in-depth look at how the couple is doing in several relational areas.  

Finally, the wedding day is a special scriptural ceremony to be carried out with reverence, respect and honor given to the Savior. It is a public pronouncement of a couple transitioning into a marriage union. The wedding day is a special time for a church to share in this important moment in the life of a couple who will be part of the body in a different and new way.  

Early Years 

This phase involves couples in their first few years of marriage. Couples are encouraged to build foundational skills that will serve them throughout their entire life. Early Christian marriage years involves developing healthy spiritual practices as a couple that will draw them toward Christ. This is a period where the married couple can grow in deepening levels of intimacy of all types. During these early years of marriage, couples are becoming integrated into a local church body. At times, this involves supporting one or both spouses who have moved to a different congregation. Conversations may include growing a family or developing a vision for the future.  

Although conflict may happen during the engagement phase, the early years of marriage are often where conflict may emerge as couples learn more about each other and how to navigate inevitable life stress. This provides couples the opportunity to learn healthy ways to manage and repair conflict – a crucial skill for any healthy marriage. Marriage is the most intimate of relationships. All of us are shaped by past relationships – whether this be parents, friends, or siblings. This past shaping impacts how an individual engages in marriage. At times, the level of vulnerability in marriage can expose or reveal things about a person that may be a surprise. Learning to take responsibility for one’s past and work through it in a healthy way without blame is part of establishing a healthy Christian marriage. The early years of marriage involve exposing unrealistic expectations and laying the groundwork for healthy patterns and vulnerability to take root. Supportive mentoring relationships during this phase are especially helpful to encourage this healthy foundation building. 

Conclusion 

The Christian marriage journey is one of ongoing discipleship that involves the local body walking with individuals through the various phases. The goal is to grow in maturity. Paul says in Ephesians 4:15 “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”  The goal of relationships in the church is that we would “grow up” into Christ. We can talk about God’s love to our children and to others. However, our message is compromised when we don’t model Christlike love and forgiveness in Christian marriage. Our desire as a church is not just that individuals will get married, but that their relationship is growing in health and a picture of the beautiful Gospel message of Christ and his love for the church.  

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For Further Information

The Marriage Journey
What are some key points and resources to discuss in 3 early stages of the marriage journey: considering marriage, engagement, & early marriage.

What is the Marriage Journey?
We are exposed to many different messages influencing our understanding as we approach and navigate the early years of marriage. In this webinar recording, we discuss the Marriage Journey arc and share principles and resources to support ourselves and others in a healthy understanding of engagement and early marriage.

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