Understanding ASD in Marriage

Neurology is an integral part of who a person is and impacts personality, strengths, challenges, and the way a person thinks, speaks, feels and behaves. At times, there are conflicts that come up in marriage that are a result of neurological differences and such conflicts can be challenging to navigate. Understanding terms is a helpful place to start.

First, someone described as neurotypical has a brain that has developed and works like most people. On the other hand, the term neurodivergent is used to describe someone whose brain develops or functions differently for some reason. Neurodivergent covers a wide range of conditions including but not limited to – Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Dyslexia. More information regarding ADHD’s impact on marriage can be found here (add a link to ADHD and marriage webpage).

It is not uncommon for an adult with ASD or a spouse of someone who has ASD to not know that they have it. Understanding and being curious regarding common areas of struggle within a marriage are key. Common complaints that a neurotypical spouse may have about their spouse with neurodivergent characteristics would include:

• My spouse focuses on details and misses the overall message of what is said.
• My spouse misses social cues which leads to doing or saying things that are embarrassing.
• My spouse will interrupt by correcting details when others are talking.
• My spouse prefers to be alone.
• My spouse has trouble initiating or completing tasks when asked.
• My spouse is unable to see nuances and only sees in black or white.
• My spouse seems unable to make accommodations when plans change.
• My spouse seems unable or unwilling to respond to my needs or emotions.
• My spouse does not say “I love you” or “I am sorry”.
• My spouse does not pay attention to me, doesn’t notice / ask how I am feeling.

It is important to note that the complaints can go both directions within the marriage as a neurodivergent spouse may have complaints about the neurotypical spouse. One of the first steps in learning how to deepen the connection in a neurodiverse marriage is for both spouses to learn about features of ASD. It is helpful, for example, to realize the relational disconnects are a result of clear neurological based differences rather than a spouse intentionally responding in a hurtful way. When there is an acceptance of these differences not being intentional, a couple can move together on a path of healing and discovery. It is no longer about “fixing” anyone but about learning how your brains work differently and discovering opportunities for connection through understanding amid such differences. There will still be growing pains through this process of discovery, but it can help when the couple feels like they are on the journey together.

When it comes to neurodiverse couples, there are several common dynamics that can be present leading to additional conflict, tension, painful communication breakdowns, and difficulty connecting emotionally.  Common areas include:

• Sensory needs – someone with ASD may experience hyper or hypo reactivity to sensory input (e.g., noise, light, or touch). Someone with ASD typically has hyperconnectivity in brain and so they can experience a deeper, wider, sensory data imputed into brain. Someone with ASD doesn’t always have the ability to filter out input so they seek to control their environment, or they seek to shut it off all together and seem disconnected from environment.
• Executive functioning differences –managing routines, task, or finances may require explicit planning and not just implicit agreements for someone with ASD. Struggles in this area by a neurodivergent spouse can lead to procrastination or missing appointments which may be viewed by neurotypical spouses as lazy or uncaring.
• Emotional expression – those with ASD may appear to have an absence of interest in the other, more rigid social behavior with impairments in social-emotional reciprocity that leads to low sharing of emotions. This can be particularly painful for a neurotypical spouse when their ASD spouse seems insensitive and unavailable, particularly during significant life events. Additionally, emotion is often interpreted differently leading to frequent misunderstandings.
• Different communication styles – those with ASD tend to value direct, literal language and find it difficult to interpret indirect cues, gestures, or facial expressions. A neurotypical spouse may expect emotional support after a difficult day and get frustrated when their neurodivergent spouse responds with problem solving instead of empathy.

It is important to note that just because a person has one or more of these features does not mean someone has ASD. Additionally, ASD falls on a continuum and individuals can vary on the prominence a given characteristic is manifested.

---

For Further Information

What is Autism Spectrum Disorder?
Autism presents differently from one person to another based on an individual’s specific difficulties and the severity of those difficulties. Learn more about ASD in this article.

Print This Article