The Freedom of Commitment Podcast

What if there’s a better option out there? Or what if I make this decision and then all of a sudden something better comes along? Greetings and welcome everyone to Breaking Bread, the podcast brought to you by Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services. Glad to have you along. I’ve got Kathy Knochel with me today. 

Hi, Matt. Kathy, great to have you in the office this week. Kathy, as you all know, works out of the Bay City area. Kathy, remind our listeners of the population that you work with as a clinician. Yes. So, I have a history of working with mostly teens and families. And then, in recent years, my main population has been more with young adults and women in general. 

And prior to coming to ACCFS, you were in the school systems as a counselor. I did a combination of counseling, outpatient counseling with teens, and then also doing some crisis work in the school systems. This demographic of young people, those that you are working with, do you see commitment as a place of difficulty? 

Yes, absolutely. I would say that there are so many options for so many things out there. And then to try and narrow down what’s right for me, where is God leading me? And how do I know for sure what the right option is? It’s just a really difficult thing a lot of people are navigating through right now. 

So maybe if we even start back and define what we mean by commitment, I think we all know that at an intuitive level. Commitment means throwing ourselves into something, saying this is what I’m going to do, closing doors for the one door that’s open, right? So, it’s interesting that you mentioned options. 

So, this concept of committing to something is directly tied to the options we have. So, say a little bit more about that. Yeah. So, I’ll just use this as an example. If there is somebody who may be a male that grew up on a farm and he loved working as part of that farm, the option there, his choice is made like, this is what I want to do. 

I want to commit to this. And that’s not always true, but I think in that way, there just doesn’t feel as many options or as many interests that are out there. And so, a decision like that can be easy if we’re thinking about future plans. But then for other people who can just see all of the different programs that a college offers or all the different job opportunities, or if they’re really creative and have options for like their own sort of small business or that sort of thing, the options and having to find just one area specific for work or college education. 

It can almost create some anxiety or frustration of like, why can’t I just do all of it? Yeah. So, it’s interesting. We kind of have a catch 22 thing going on, right? Options are great. And I think options in many ways epitomize freedom and, in our day, and age, finding those somethings is not difficult to do. 

Right. So, you’re really onto something there in terms of options being both beautiful and tragic all at the same time. If options become overwhelming, what do we see? Yeah, so when somebody is in a place where they just feel overloaded by the number of decisions they have to make, or the number of options available, what I tend to see in the counseling office is two very different approaches. Some people can become so overwhelmed in the unknown or uncertainty of the right option that they can almost come to a place of avoidance. Like, I’m just not going to make any decision and hope that the right door just opens for me. And so, then we see that the lack of committing to anything or developing any roots in any one area the other side can be true too. Just the frustration with, I’m sick of making decisions, so I’m just going to make a decision fast and hope for the best. And then it’s not a well-rounded decision or it doesn’t have good counsel around it or it actually isn’t the best option. And then there’s more challenges down the road with that as well. 

So, I might say the first one is kind of paralysis and the other one is maybe overwhelming. We can see now that there’s some real mental health toll being taken here, but you’re really providing some rationale behind why commitment is difficult today. From a social media perspective and just even news outlets and that sort of thing, we have information coming in all the time and then trying to sort out or just even because there’s so much information coming in, we think everything just looks really great and fun and feels like it would be a good fit. 

But it doesn’t necessarily help narrow down any of those options, which then, like I said, can definitely lead to that place of being overwhelmed, or just even sometimes the term is decision fatigue or anxiety can set in. Those are the outcomes of that. It’s interesting because if you take something like Instagram, for instance, and you’re looking through the stories, you’re probably following like content creators or influencers who have maybe for the most part, actually made that commitment to one thing and they’ve given it all that they have, and they’re committed and doing well in it. But what you’re doing, or the viewer of it is doing, is jumping from somebody that’s all in in this area and then the next person’s stories is they’re all in in that area and so you’re getting a lot of content, but it’s easy to forget that they’ve already made a commitment to that purpose and they are able to fully commit and do well because of that. 

I think that’s really interesting. Now you’ve really put a big plug in for commitment being part of the answer to what ails us. So, options to provide freedom in a sense, right? Why the sky’s the limit, but they can be distracting. Yes. So, with options come distractions also. Correct. Which seem to undermine commitment, and to your point, those that are really excelling and doing well are probably committed. 

Right. Yes. There is, I guess, freedom in commitment. Which is a real oxymoron. We speak more to that concept of what happens via commitment. So, I would say that in order to step into a place of commitment there’s some prework that has to be done there and one of is just that you are in a place where you’ve decided on what your values are and what things are important to you. 

And I would say also there’s a sense of you’ve settled on or done some work around what your identity is both what you are and what you are not. And so, with all of that, when you have identity somewhat figured out or moving in a good direction there, and when you know what your values are with your faith, with family, with friends, with social activities, with future plans, that sort of thing. You’re able to then know what you’re headed towards and then it helps make that commitment. And then, when you’re able to commit to the things that line up with those values, you’re going to be a better decision maker and you’re going to feel better about the commitments you make. 

So, let’s talk a little bit about the liability of commitment. Okay. Let’s just voice why it’s hard to commit. We’ve mentioned options, but what really is it about the options? What if we were to peel the onion a little bit further, what is fearsome about commitment for young people? What if there’s a better option out there or what if I make this decision and then all of a sudden something better comes along that I think I’m going to like more or be more and that could be anything from the job selection to what I’m going to do Friday night. 

Absolutely. So, let’s take that one right on. Yeah, take that on. How do you work with a person who says, but Kathy, there might be a better option out there. Yeah. We’ve all experienced that. We’ve committed to plans and then our friends’ group, half of them is going to do something else that is something you’ve been waiting to do and wanting to do. 

And so, the truth is that there are emotions there that you have to work through. There are frustrations, you know, whatever emotion comes up. And I think just being able to admit like, while I committed to this, I’m a little bit frustrated because I actually want to be doing that. So, just being able to acknowledge that it’s hard is one thing, but then also, especially if we’re talking about something like Friday night plans or a weekend event, know that there are lots of Friday nights and there’s lots of weekends. 

There’s always time to be able to engage in some of these activities that feel good, but we put so much pressure on. But it’s this Friday night that’s going to make all the difference. And in reality, that’s not exactly true. So, it’s being able to have more helpful thoughts and a more helpful and healthy way to think about it as well. 

I think you answered two questions with that response. One was this acknowledgement piece. Almost you’re acknowledging that, yup, there is a better option. There is maybe a more exciting get together happening. Perhaps there is a better job out there. Perhaps there is on and on the list goes, right? So, there’s a level set to say, yup, you probably won’t select the very best in the world is one thing but the other thing you said there, Kathy, is there’s going to be another Friday night almost like we’re on a path here and supposing I don’t select the very best there will be more selections in the road of life to flex and make change. 

Is that right? Yes, absolutely. And I know that statement is a lot easier to think through when we’re talking about weekend plans or are we going to eat Mexican food or Chinese food tonight, there’s time to redo it. That’s a little bit more of a complicated thing when we’re talking about years invested into college or if we’re moving for a job and we change our whole life around that. 

That’s a lot more difficult in those, and it’s higher stakes at that point. And so, it is a little bit more difficult. So, I’m stuck on your Mexican food example because I have exact paralysis when I’m in a Mexican restaurant because of 105 things on the menu, right? Which is to this point. Exactly. I would probably have maybe a more relaxing experience if they just had four things for me to choose from. Absolutely. Right? Yes. And so there would be some freedom with less distraction.  

But that is a great caricature of the world our kids are growing up in. They see so many options with churches, with choices for jobs, where to live, relationships. As I review back on myself, I didn’t have near those many options. Some of those were decided for me. Because there are so many options out there, when things get hard or we get frustrated with something, we think well, I’ll just move, or I’ll just change jobs, or I’ll just, you know, do this. And then that there is where it drives that lack of commitment or that lack of being able to develop any roots and be able to feel like we are committed to something. And so, if we already have a purpose, some commitment in one area, we made the decision to weather the storm when it’s hard. We’ve made the commitment. Like this thing at work right now is really frustrating, but I’m going to make it through. I feel like with God’s grace, I’m going to be able to walk through this difficult situation despite my desire to just leave or go. 

I really appreciate that. And so. Let’s fill this space out a little bit more because it sounds like we may have talked out of both sides of our mouth Yeah, okay in the one sense, we said there’s going to be more junctures in the road. We can commit to things because we can flex, and we can make changes and that’s important, but you’ve really put your finger on this importance of being all in before we jump ship, right? 

Yes. And so, say a little bit more about what that looks like and how would you counsel a teen or a young person, whether I make this move or not? How would you help them see through being all in, but yet understanding that if it’s not the right thing, there will be a juncture in the road to correct it. Yes. So, let’s just take an example of applying for college and deciding a career path there. What can happen is on the front end there, what if I make the wrong decision or what if this isn’t the right college or what if this isn’t the right career path for me? So, there’s that piece of you have to get the process started. 

And so that’s to that first point of this is a journey. There are more checkpoints along the path. So, somebody that’s in a place where they’re like, I just don’t know what to do to start. Absolutely. But then the other half of that is once you’ve started down a path, if it gets hard, there’s sometimes just some skills needed there. 

Life isn’t always easy, and we do hit some road bumps, and it doesn’t mean that it’s bad or that you’ve made the wrong choice, but it’s one of those life skills that you have to learn. I can do hard things. I’ve got my right support group in place here to manage through this piece. So, once that commitment is made, it pushes you to stay focused on that. 

And so even if we made the wrong choice, which is feared, that’s why we’ve been in paralysis. But you’ve provided a redeeming hope through it. That there is something to learn in this and God very much will use it. He definitely will use it. Yeah. Whatever it is to grow us in some important ways. 

I think too, the verse that comes to mind for me is trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and he shall direct your path. And I think that that’s a really important piece. Once we’ve made a commitment, we usually have been able to do that through a lot of prayer and a lot of good counsel and a lot of trust. And so, being able to hold onto a verse like that, like he shall direct your path here. But what I hear you saying is to be the healthiest individual in the decisions we make requires a level of commitment. I think you labeled so many options for church and that sort of thing out there I think that what you just said lines up with that too. There is a need to be able to allow yourself to commit to something like a church that you’re going to attend and it’s going to be your church so that you are accessing all of those things. 

You’re accessing the support groups that are there. You’re able to take on roles and be invested and so that commitment helps you develop roots and helps ground you in that place Okay, so you said a key word in this discussion, invested. I feel like that’s a switch a person who is forever deciding is going to have a consumer mindset. 

Once decisions are made and we are committed, then all of a sudden, we become an investor in that situation. Right. I tried to make the best selection. Based on everything you said, Kathy, about knowing my identity, knowing who I am and getting counsel. I made the best decision I could make. 

Yes. And if it wasn’t perfectly the right one, I am now vested to make it as right as it can be. That’s an investor mindset, isn’t it? Yes. And that means that there’s going to be a lot of great things that come from that. And there’s going to be a lot of joyful moments and there’s going to be some hard moments in that too. 

There’s going to be ups and downs. Kathy, this has been good. And I think we can all relate to the paralysis that comes by way of the thousand options we have. Absolutely. Whether it’s shopping for a car or finding the best app on my phone. The scroll is endless, and these elements of, is there a better one, what’s the best one, are real. But I think you helped us understand that there might be a better one out there. Even in the event that we didn’t select the best option, there is a place for commitment that allows us to be a healthy individual in the places where we’re at. But understanding that God uses us, guides us in our decision making, and we’re on a life journey. 

And I think you’ve really brought that down. I just think of Christ and think of the commitment that he had, right? We read in the Scriptures, he set his face towards Jerusalem in the sense that he’s not going to be distracted anymore. All of the other doors have been closed and there’s one open for him. 

And it allowed him then to invest. We are all fruit of his investment, which is such an awesome, awesome thing. So anyway, thank you very much for being that and thanks each one for listening in. No doubt you’ve had thoughts about commitment. You’ve had struggles with commitment, and you’ve counseled our young people in this area. 

Hopefully this conversation provides a little bit of grounding, perhaps a little bit of wherewithal in this conversation and it’s blessed you.