Marriage and Family Therapist

I’m Kaleb Beyer and I grew up in Sabetha, a small town in Kansas, an agricultural community. I grew up with five brothers so there’s six of us boys and I was the second to youngest. As a young boy, I envisioned myself being a farmer, but also having a ranch. After graduation my plan was to work on a farm and perhaps eventually have the opportunity to buy it out. So, I wouldn’t have imagined myself sitting in this place as a marriage and family therapist.

In my senior year of high school, I remember communicating my plans with my mom and she asked if I would go talk with a local professor at a community college. And I still remember his office to this day and remember communicating with him. His name was Clifford Hawk. He was a sheep farmer. His office was a mess, but he talked to me about this program, Feed Science and Management. And so, it appealed to me. And from there, I attended a year at community college while still working on the farm there locally.

Then I transferred to Kansas State University where I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in grains, feed science and management. From there, I took a job in Sabetha, Kansas, working for Wenger Manufacturing. It’s a manufacturing facility that designs, engineers, and builds extrusion and drying equipment. And I worked in the Technical Research Center, where we did a lot of research development with grains and feed for pets, fish, and all kinds of things even on the human food side.

But I mainly focused on agriculture, and as I started working at Wenger Manufacturing and I would say a couple years in, I loved the work, loved what I did, but I was involved in a project that required extensive traveling. I would leave Monday morning early and would come back home Friday evening late and be shot on the weekends. I would sleep a lot and wouldn’t be real present with my wife. At that time, we didn’t have kids. But it was during that time I’d be traveling all week and come home on the weekends that I remember one night, my wife, Angela, turned to me and, I don’t remember exactly what she said, but communicated real clearly that I can’t keep doing this. I can’t live in this place where you’re gone. You come home. You’re not with me. You’re exhausted and, for whatever reason, I think she’d told me before, but that night it had a profound impact on me.

And I was torn because I loved what I was doing. I was excited. I saw opportunity and potential and growth and all these things. Yet at the same time, the very thing that I was pursuing was bringing distress, great distress in my marriage relationship and to my wife, whom I deeply valued. Along the way, there were two individuals close to me, one struggled with depression and the other with an eating disorder. In the midst of walking with them, the whole world of mental illness and depression and why people do the things they do and how they’re impacted really opened up and had an impact on me at that stage in my life.

So, interacting with these two individuals really got me thinking about what it would be like to work in this field and how individuals are impacted by life circumstances, experiences, and in situations So, another thing along the path was four years into my time at Wenger manufacturing, I was moved into a management role and in that role, I obviously worked more closely with individuals and I loved the management part of project management and product development, but I also loved and found myself growing in love with meeting one on one for goals and evaluations and then things would come up with personnel or there’s conflict or situations.

And I found myself interested and drawn to that part of the job as a manager. And so, I would say that’s another thing that continued this path on wondering what it’d be like to do more of this full time. I looked into opportunities to get involved in the mental health field, doing things that wouldn’t require going back to school and getting a degree. So, as time went on, I attended a few Christian counseling conferences just to really explore and understand opportunities, even what it’s like, communicate with those that are in the field, and just kind of understand what it is like to be a counselor. What’s helpful? What’s not helpful? Do you have any recommendations? That sort of thing but also as a way to kind of dip my toe in, without going back to school.

Because at this point, now we have kids. And it’s a different kind of decision. So, through that process, at these conferences, it was fairly clear in those that I communicated with that to do some of the things that I would want to do, I would need a master’s degree to be licensed.

And so, we really came to a crossroad. I say we because it was my wife and I making this decision and so I would say, again, this is a journey that was over years. I applied to two Christian schools that were out of state and in time I was accepted at Kansas State University, was the other school where I really felt God’s peace and his blessing. Numbers 6 was a passage that I was reading at the time and this concept of God’s blessing; that my blessing will be upon you essentially him saying you know what if you commit to this, I will be with you. My blessing will be on you. My face will shine upon you, and I will give you my peace.

And that was something that brought a lot of comfort in the midst of the unknowns and the questions and the doubts with kids and family, and even some within the community who questioned the decision that I was making, going back to school, having kids, and the commitment that would mean.

So, part of what drew me to marriage and family therapy and working with couples and family and relationships were some of the principles behind marriage and family therapy. We refer to that as systems theory, which is not so much about an individual, but the interaction between individuals. So, it’s relational very much by nature.

Even as I work with individuals, there are relational components in that to help understand how relationships impact this individual’s depression, maintaining it or helping it. And so that kind of mindset just clicked with me. Then from there, working with couples where you can see the process live happening there in the room that you’re not working with one individual per se and assessing and trying to understand those dynamics from their perspective, which can be helpful in its own right.

This whole idea of interactional patterns and how it’s not just how I respond to someone but it’s also how they respond to me and it’s that back and forth and how that creates a system. And so that piece really hit me and was something that I was interested in. And then I think just working with couples is a very dynamic experience and I was drawn to it while at the same time scared by it.

What I mean by that is, just when conflicts are highly distressed and in the population I worked with, it was not uncommon at times to have yelling and a spouse would leave the room and slam the door and the intensity of conflict and anger that I wasn’t used to in my own family scared me.

At the same time, shifts that happen in seeing the softening, the turning towards each other in moments of vulnerability drew me to that place. And so, I would say those experiences through practicum and working with couples is what hooked me in a way that I really wanted to study more about.

I would also say just my own experience in my own marriage impacted me. Things that I would mess up or not do well or trying to understand Angela, that impacted me as well. So, licensure requirements can be different for different programs. For marriage and family therapy, one of the things that is unique is relational hours. All counseling degrees have a certain amount of hours that you need to meet as well as an exam that you need to take, and a certain number of supervision hours to complete. Generally, there’s a certain number that’s kind of one on one, face to face, that you need to complete before you actually receive your license to practice on your own.

So, I’m licensed now in three different states working on my four state. We do remote work. And so, as part of that, we are being licensed in other states and each state has its own unique approach and the way that happens. Some are easier than others.

A typical day for me now generally starts in the morning when I arrive to the office. I have time for emails. So, responding to either clients directly or support groups. There is some time for case notes and paperwork. Then I move into seeing clients and my days at ACCFS vary.

Some days are heavier with clients where my heaviest day with clients is I’ll have clients all day long with one free hour in addition to lunch. And that free hour is spent, again, with correspondence, maybe a phone call, maybe case notes, that sort of thing. The rest of the time is spent seeing clients in session.

Generally, sessions are 50 minutes, give or take 5 to 10 minutes and so in between sessions is enough to get up, go to the restroom, if I’m really efficient, do the case notes, if not, maybe respond to some emails and then start into the next session with the next couple or client.

Other days, again this is probably more specific with ACCFS, we have project work and that involves doing research, writing a paper, preparing for a presentation, preparing for a podcast. So, there’s some days that I’ll spend more time oriented around project work.

In grad school, when we engaged in therapy, it was in person, in the office. So, to think of doing therapy over the phone or through the internet wasn’t even thought of. It was thought we needed to be in person to actually do what we think of as therapy. So, when I came to ACCFS where it was a common occurrence to do remote therapy, whether through the phone or through a secure internet connection, it was a learning curve.

Here it can vary anywhere from 50 to 70 percent sometimes of our clientele is remote. And so in working with couples, obviously, a requirement is that I’m able to see them. I wouldn’t be able to do remote counseling with a couple with just a phone because much of the communication that happens through facial expressions, body language.

And so, it’s important to be able to see them. Individual counseling, sometimes that can happen on a few minimal occasions through the phone. When I do remote work, I do generally ask that the couples be in the same room, that I can see them together. I think there’s some value of them being with each other but it’s not always the case.

Sometimes I work with premarital couples that are in two different locations. And again, I think it’s a different approach in the pre-marriage stage versus a highly distressed couple. And so, some of those factors in the context of the relationship impact how I might choose to go about seeing them remotely or in person.

Certainly, a part of the work that we do at ACCFS is those couples that find themselves at a place that they didn’t imagine they would be at. And so, we’re somewhat reactive at times in the way that we approach treatment. I would also say a growing number which is really delightful, is couples that just want to grow their relationship.

There are not glaring areas of distress or conflict or concern. They just want a deeper connection and they’re open and ready to engage. They’re wanting to dig in. This is a population that’s really enjoyable to work with and there are a lot of opportunities of deepening their relationship. So, when life’s storms and transitions inevitably come, there’s a vibrant connection that they have to be able to face that. And some of those skills are building a good foundation and a stronger foundation.

So, the worst part about the job is the paperwork, the case notes, the capturing, the correspondence, all those sorts of things. I would say also the reality that at times you work with people or couples that are fighting tooth and nail, that they’re engaging in the process, and it just seems like there’s no change. Things aren’t happening and so you have an individual or a couple that are engaged, they’re following through on homework, they’re engaging in the process and for whatever reason, things aren’t shifting. That’s hard.

I would say the other thing that’s hard, at times couples or individuals leave early and sometimes you have no idea what happens. Maybe. Do things turn out okay? Do they not? I think within ACCFS, sometimes you get a sense just because we’re connected nationally, but not always. And so another hard part of the job is the reality that you may meet people, get to know people, and then they leave. One day they’re gone, and you saw an opportunity for great work to happen, and you don’t hear back. And so, it’s open ended and is a hard piece.

I think a couple things have pleasantly surprised me. One is the power of a couple that was in a highly distressed place turn to each other in tenderness and how that just melts walls in ways you can’t describe. You have to see it and experience it. And I think it surprised me is how deeply moving that is.

And I think the other thing that surprised me is individuals who have experienced intense trauma where it seems impossible, to see God’s work and redemption in the very places of brokenness. And again, I think, what’s surprising is how moving that is to see and to be a part of and that people share that with you. They’re in a place, and that’s grace. That’s grace.