3 Things Teen Girls Should Know

Our voices need to be strong and just as prevalent as cultural and messaging, whether it’s social media or others, but that we can step into this space and help that healing, but that healing is available. Welcome everyone to Breaking Bread, the podcast brought to you by Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services. 

Excellent to have you along. Kathy Knochel and Katie Miller are with me. Thanks, ladies, for coming in. Welcome. Good to be here. Three things teen girls should know. That’s our topic here. And I think we’re all going to lean a little bit forward, especially those of us who have teen girls at home. What is it that both of you feel so pressed on your hearts to share with teen girls? 

The teenage years are just such a fun and exciting time and I think unfortunately they’re a super challenging time too and so we can see in the teens that we come in contact with that pressure, right? They’re trying to enjoy their life and then there’s these age-old challenges that happen within this demographic and as a result we see them facing a lot of pressures with their peers and then the end result can be some mental health challenges, some anxiety, stress. 

Their identity and self-worth start to be in question. And so, we see not only is it an exciting time, but it’s definitely a very challenging time as well. And can you say, Kathy, we’re going to highlight three matters of particular importance in terms of addressing young teen girls. But can you say that a lot of your conversations with teen girls come back to one or more of these? 

Absolutely. Yeah, I would say one of the biggest things that I encourage teen girls when I’m working with them is you have to pay attention to what you’re paying attention to. So, I think first and foremost, just that need to understand what’s happening in your head from a thought process. 

Are there helpful thoughts or unhelpful thoughts? Whose voice are you listening to? Are you listening to the voice of those of your peers around you or are you listening to God’s voice and the helpful voices around you? And then certainly the second one just is that identity piece. To know who you are and who you are not, is so important. 

And I think in the teenage years it’s especially important because your identity is forming. You come from this place of being completely dependent on your parents to trying to fit in with your peer group and understand who you are and who you want to be. And so that development of identity is really critical in teenage years. 

And then the third piece is going to be pointing them back to that they are image bearers. They are created in God’s image. Okay, so the three things, the three things that are very important to bring to bear with our young teens, girls in particular, is listening to yourself and to your thinking and to what you are paying attention to. 

Identity, number two. And then number three, this concept of God image bearing. So, your self-image. Okay, let’s launch right into the first one. This idea of paying attention to what we’re paying attention to. One of the things that I would say is certainly in today’s world, there are a lot of things fighting for attention. 

And I think we mentioned this already a little bit, but I think it’s important too. Just like as adults listening to this podcast to reflect back on your own teenage years and your attention was fought for. Also, technology certainly is creating a place where kids don’t get a break from all the pressures. 

The pressures follow them to school at school, after school, because they’re connected with technology, but even before technology, there were things happening in these teenage years that caused a lot of unhelpful thinking styles and stress in various areas also. And the inner critic piece is going to focus in on these young girls. 

We all have an inner dialogue throughout the day. We all have these emotions that come up, I like this, I’m frustrated with this. This test didn’t go well. This relationship, man, that friendship isn’t quite clicking and all of these pieces and helping that inner critic and what is healthy and what fills my bucket. 

And what helps me in some of these other areas with identity and image bearing and then what part of that inner monologue is not healthy. What part of that inner monologue is maybe more emotion based or assumption based. And so, separating with your inner monologue, your inner critic, your self-talk on what is fact and what is emotion. 

For females and for young girls, especially developing and trying to figure out who they all are is really, really important. I would say as parents, mentors or, or helpers. What does that look like, Kathy, to help a young girl think about their inner critic or this, this self-talk? Is it a bit ethereal? Do they look at you like; I don’t know what you’re talking about. 

What are the exercises to get into this space? Because it is a bit abstract. So absolutely, they look at me like, what are you talking about when I bring this up? I think sometimes the answer I get is, well, I don’t know what I was thinking. Or if I am asking teens to pay attention to that, they will, and this can be true for adults also, but they can get their thoughts confused with their emotions. 

So, I just thought I was so mad. Well, that is the emotion that came out of the thinking style that was attached to it. And so, in a counseling session, we spend a lot of time trying to dissect the difference between here are your thoughts and here are unhelpful thoughts versus more helpful ways of thinking. 

And then here is the emotion that came out of that. And then here was the reaction that you had. So, what it looks like is really just starting to have conversations of like, so, what did you notice that you were thinking? What did you notice was happening in your mind? And I will encourage a lot of teens to do some homework where they very specifically track like, this is what I’m thinking about, we’ll do that in session, we’ll write, take a piece of paper and write down here are my thoughts, here are my feelings. 

The importance of that and why we draw attention to that is we have thousands of thoughts that cross our mind all day long. And it’s really important to start to weed out the thoughts that are informing you of like, if you were only better at this or you’re a terrible friend or you’re no good or you don’t have any friends, you know, those thoughts that are so negative to be able to start noticing those and then see if we can find evidence for or against, like, is that actually a realistic thought or not?  

I really like that example. In fact, you perceived my own question about giving us, teasing out the difference between thoughts and feelings and give us an example and you did that. But if I understand it right, most people connect with those emotions first, but really getting underneath the hood and understanding what the thoughts driving those emotions are, is a bit more of a challenge and that needs some assistance or even thinking circumstantially throughout the day. And, you know, geometry class was really hard. There was a really hard conversation before that was geometry class. Is it always hard? 

Was it based upon that? Are there certain times a day? Are there certain friend groups when you get off social media for 30 minutes of scrolling? What is kind of that piece of it? Because honestly, I think young girls, most women, young girls included, we just want to live in this, like, this was hard. Get rid of it when in fact getting rid of all this inner self talk and inner critic piece ideally, it would be great to get rid of it. 

But honestly, being able to quiet that voice and being able to have some strategies or coping mechanisms to say, you know what, there’s that voice, there’s that lie, I can replace it and go forward from there. You know, Katie, that was really helpful when you brought out that circumstantial piece. 

So, there’s circumstance, which is really defined. What was it about geometry class? This is what happened. This is the interaction. So and so said this. And then you have the emotion, which is somewhat easy to identify. I’m mad. I’m hurt. And those types of things, which I might actually say, we’ve got wonderful emotional lists out there, which are very, very helpful in facilitating that conversation of what a person is feeling. 

So those might actually be helpful, but this in between the circumstance and the emotion, you have this thought dialogue and that is the space that you’re getting at. Yes. I think Katie’s point specifically about what is the inner dialogue that’s happening after certain things. 

So certainly, with geometry class that we’re talking about, can I just say, I’m sure things that come out of geometry class are glowing. I had a feeling that was going to be like, the math teacher in him was coming out a little bit. The emotions are excitement. That’s right. Feeling on top of the world. 

The theorem finally clicked. There could be a lot of things that happen in geometry class. Maybe we should choose the hallway conversation, or the comment on social media. We should probably choose some of the darker things of life than geometry class. I can just so relate to it now. 

Actually, I’ll use a different example. Okay. So, I just want to follow up with one of the examples that Katie gave and that just is the inner dialogue that happens after scrolling social media. It is an excellent time to practice this exercise and it’s what are the thoughts that I’m noticing. I would say that for most individuals that have spent time scrolling social media, they have probably thoughts of like, I’m not good enough. 

If only I was as talented as, I wish I could be as funny as, I wish I had as many friends as. And so those are really important thoughts to grab and notice. Yeah. Kathy, you have a really great example of the tension between trying to completely get rid of it and noticing it and what that means going forward using a positive coping mechanism. The video that we’re going to link in one of these podcasts as a resource, she does a really good job, but maybe just cue that with the music and the shopping, it’s a beautiful illustration.  

So, one of the other skills that I really like to help teens understand is while we’re asking you to tune into these unhelpful thinking styles, we actually are not trying to get you to just stop the thoughts because we don’t always have control over what thoughts come and go, but we have control over how often they stick around or how much attention we give them. And so, the example I’ll give them is I have them visualize walking through a store and when you walk in there’s usually music playing in a store and sometimes you notice it, sometimes you don’t. But if a song comes on that you know and you’re familiar with, you’ll notice it and maybe share the lyrics, sing along, have some fun with it. And then you go back to paying attention to what is in front of you. 

And that’s that same relationship you want to have with these unhelpful thoughts. Notice them, notice that they’re there. Allow yourself maybe to try and reframe some of them like that probably is not truth. That’s just a thought I’m having. But then being able to get back invested in the things that are in front of you, the things that you are enjoying. 

So that’s maybe going and purposely talking to a friend or enjoying the sports that you’re playing or the activities that you’re doing. That Corinthians verse about taking every thought captive definitely applies in here. It’s not being ashamed of that thought and not having that thought or that inner voice or that critic, it’s just shifting it and focusing on what are more healthy things and healthy dialogue for a teen girl to be thinking of. So, you’re identifying the inner thoughts, the inner critic, the dialogue that’s happening inside, and then there is this is it true or false. Is that part of what you’re doing? 

This is helpful, healthy or unhealthy and then pivoting accordingly, is that what I’m hearing? Yeah. At the end part of the piece that we talk about, we talk about thoughts and emotions, but what follows that is our actions. And so, if we have unhelpful thoughts and it puts us in a place of being anxious or sad, sometimes that can drive us to further isolate. 

And then if there are some things happening with teens and they feel left out of their friend group, that’s going to cause them to feel mad and frustrated and it’s easy for them to just be like, well, I don’t care about them. And so, they want to go in and isolate and that actually makes the next interaction with them more difficult. 

So, it’s that ability to acknowledge like this was really hard. I felt frustrated that I was left out. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. And I can still go and engage with them. I can still go and hang out with them even if it’s uncomfortable. So, what follows those thoughts and emotions are what’s helpful. 

Okay. And that now is circling back to this idea of being present and engaging in the moment that you’re in. And not finding yourself isolating and up in your head with these unhealthy thoughts. So, if I can tie this together, we have circumstances which are very clear. We have emotions that are pretty vivid for the young person. 

What we need to do is help them understand the inner dialogue that’s connecting the two and then to pivot away from unhealthy and false thoughts to true ones. And then engage appropriately. And I might just add this piece in for the parent or maybe mentor that’s listening to this. 

I think that you want to be careful just going and telling them a more helpful way of thinking. That’s not going to work well. And so, I think it’s all about that conversation you can have with them. Like, help me understand what you’re thinking and feeling about this situation. And being able to ask questions like, do you think that there’s another way to view this? And the other thing I would say is sometimes teens just want to be validated like this is really hard. 

And as the parent or mentor being able to say, wow, that it does sound really difficult. They’re figuring out who they are in relationships, that empathy piece of hey, I know this was hard. This is hard. You’re validating the hurt but then also realizing with those relationships they’re trying to figure it out, too. 

Well, I think that probably is a great segue into the second one which you said is identity All right, so the first one is to understand that inner critic to be able to listen for it to be able to own it and the second one here is identity. So, say more about that. 

You know, I think about this from an identity perspective. This is a lot of what the path through teenage years is trying to do is trying to figure out this identity piece. And I think it’s helpful sometimes. Who am I? Yeah. Definitely. And I think sometimes it’s helpful. We can, it’s easy for adults to be like, oh, teens are so hard, but we have to remember all the things that are going on with them. 

I like to help people see a helicopter view of not only are they trying to figure out who they are, what they’re interested in, they’re also having just a lot of changes to who they are, both physically and internally. Things are changing and all of that definitely plays into this identity development thing. So, I think being able to understand that this is the road that they’re on and it can be difficult. I think too, we’re very tempted as adults and mentors to say we used to have body image struggles and we as women have always had to deal with our emotions and things like that with identity. 

The world is so much bigger. The world is so much easier to grasp. Choices are so much greater than they were decades ago. And so just having that heart and that empathetic hat on when trying to deal with your teen, what that looks like and choices and who they are and who they are not. Sometimes I wonder, especially as a parent, figuring out who they are not is almost easier than who they are, but those choices are so pressured. 

Screaming at them in many, many ways on what they should be, or success, or grades, and things like that. So, who they are not is definitely a key piece. Well, and I think that teens need to be offered that statement of like, not only are you figuring out who you are, but it’s okay to also identify who you are not. 

I don’t know if teens always have that piece to think about there because it’s so easy to try and be like everybody else. It’s easy to not be able to own our own limitations. So, and so is doing this and seems to be good at it. So, I should do it too, type of thing. And I think helping them is almost like a self-regulation. 

Am I right, Kathy? On like, well, this is actually more natural for me with art or nature or drawing, but athletics, this isn’t more natural, but athletics seems to be the way some friend groups are going and what culture is saying. And so just helping them understand that self-regulation piece of, it’s okay if something is awkward and frustrating, but there are actually pieces that God did create in your identity to do. 

You know, Katie, when you started, when you talked about the options that brought an empathy, a renewed empathy for our young people, because you’re right, the options are abounding. And you think about generations ago, there are certain things that were set, some decisions that you couldn’t make. 

And so, you kind of had closure on that part of your identity. And now there’s not much closure at all. I think that’s where parents and us mentors can definitely step into that space to help further that great identity and to help encourage that positive role. I would agree on the need for a lot of cheerleaders in a teenager’s life because their peers, which it’s important that they’re connecting well with their peers when you’re going through the teenage years, but their peers are not always going to feel like cheerleaders for them. 

Especially if who they are is a little bit different than the rest of the group. And so, parents being able to encourage them to explore the different gifts God has given them and then certainly other supportive individuals there to just encourage and praise the good that they’re seeing there. I can think back actually when I was a teen in college of women who at the right time spoke maybe a compliment, a random notice about being in the paper for something, any of those pieces.  

And so, sisters, mothers, aunts. mentors you can help. That is a huge challenge. If culture has all this social media and reel after reel and tik tok after tik tok, we as believers need to be speaking voices frequently and often and complimentary into helping support that healthy identity. A lady in church just recently spoke a wonderfully fitted comment to my daughter that brings me almost to tears. And my daughter remembers that. She’s brought it up a couple times since and that’s powerful, sisters, that’s powerful.  

Well, let’s now move to the God image bearers. Certainly, and I think these topics all nicely run together. Who are we? And as we look outward in the world, who we are as people and our bodies and our own body image, these things are high stakes concepts, aren’t they? Speak to that. Yeah. Remembering it all comes back to image bearing and God creating you. When you think of the value and worth of God. 

Many young girls understand whether they have a relationship or not. Many understand that God is omnipotent. God is powerful. All of those pieces. And yet when they say, God created you a young girl, formed you, God gave you what you are today. Oh, then it gets a little too personal. 

Like, I don’t think he did. I must’ve been a mistake. You know, I’m not quite sure. It’s an amazing piece to just point them back to truth, point them back to foundation, point them back to solid. And to remember who they are as an image bearer is what the purpose in life is. They might not realize it yet. 

And they’re still figuring it all out. But that image bearing piece of your value and your worth is actually pointed back to the much bigger Creator. So, I’m picking up on this concept of value and I’m wondering is that really is central to this particular one? Kathy, are you finding that a lot of young ladies don’t find value in themselves or misplaced value? 

I’m trying to chase down what the epicenter is. Yeah, I would agree with that, Matt. I think that so often the teens are looking for value in what they’re contributing, or they notice what they’re not contributing to their groups or their friends. There’s also just that fear of what does the future look like? 

How will I ever you know, how will I ever be able to reach where I’m trying to reach. And so, I think certainly that ability to help teens see that they have value and worth is super important. Yeah, I do think with social media pressure and with just the options out there. Culture is very assumptive in grades, performance, money, you know, all of these pieces that we as adults can feel from time to time that the long run, your purpose and value is actually not circumstantial based. It’s not degree based. It’s not money based, all of those pieces. And so reminding teens of the piece of value from their Creator, it’s not going to change. They were given it. They were burnt. You know, that piece is going to ebb and flow over time for sure, but their value does come from their Creator. Do you find that young teens really connect with this to realize value is something that I’m struggling with? 

Or is it abstract? How do you lead them into that conversation in a way that they’re like, oh, I see what you’re saying? Yeah. So, I would say my opinion is this is abstract for teens. And I think because there is so much going on in their life, they don’t just take a day to think on it or take time to let it soak in. 

And so, I think what is important here is it really does point back to the adults in their life and it’s the messages that they’re sending them. If you are, while Katie said, at the end of the day, probably things like grades and degrees and those things aren’t the true value in life. 

But if every night it’s a battle of what grade they got on an assignment or telling them that they’re not trying hard enough or those things, teens interpret all of that as my value is in the grade, I deliver on my report card or in things like that. So, Kathy, I think that’s a critical point to make. 

While all of these matters are important to every human being and adults, we’re specifically talking about caring for young teen girls and for them to not have the vocabulary set, the abstract thinking to get their mind around these really, really important topics. The maturity is not quite there yet. 

It’s not a left-brain exercise that just simply teaches them these three things. What I’m gathering is it’s right brain living where they have these questions answered and they don’t even know they’re asking them. Is that right? Yeah. So, as we think through it, the inner critic, the identity, and the made in the image of God, as we bring this to a close, what does a shoulder-to-shoulder interaction with these girls look like in each of these three bins. That is simply coming alongside them and living with them in a healthy, wise way that answers these three questions that they don’t even know they’re asking. Does that make sense? 

So, the inner critic, what does that look like? I would say one of the most helpful things can be just the adults in their life. Allowing themselves time to just listen to what they’re hearing. I think if you have a bunch of teen girls in a car and you’re traveling somewhere, just listen to the conversations that are happening and then you start to pick up on, okay, so this topic is getting mentioned a lot or this person’s getting mentioned a lot. 

There’s something here and I need to allow an investigative hat on and how can I come alongside and say, what are you feeling about this situation? Or what are some of the thoughts that help engage in conversation? What is the meaning they’re making? Yes. Having an ear to the meaning they’re making of their circumstances. Shoulder to shoulder would not be the fix it mode. Yes. As a parent, we are called to steward our children in their hearts. It’s definitely towards God, but a question can steward just as well.  

Okay, let’s do identity then. Coming alongside shoulder to shoulder in life, answering the question they don’t know they’re asking about their identity. What does that look like? I think about the phrase, we water those things that we want to grow. We don’t water the weeds outside. We water the plants. And so, I think watering in this area looks like giving a lot of praise and attention and conversation to the skills and talents that you see in them. 

I think, too, it’s really just about taking the time to slow down and notice. What am I noticing in social settings that they’re doing a really good job at? I saw you go and say something kind to this older person. Good for you. Seeing the skills and talents that they have in friends’ groups and in sporting activities and that sort of thing and praising the things that you want to see them thrive. 

I like that watering example, Kathy, because for a parent or a mentor, the watering example is things like maybe time, financial resources, things like that, that encourage that gifting that’s going to go pay dividends for identity in the long run. And to even maybe say you are the type of person that, fill in the blank, is a really strong identity statement, isn’t it? 

Yes. So, let’s now see the image bearer. What does that look like as you come alongside and answer that question that they don’t know they’re asking? I might be hard on parents here. Go for it, Kathy. Coming from the one who is not raising a teenage girl, but I think you yourself have to be showing that first. 

Showing that I am an image bearer. And show that piece well so that teens can pick up on that part and notice. I look up to mom and dad and this is how I see them bearing the image. Yeah. And how mom and dad value, where they place their own personal value. Yeah. It’s really sweet when I see a sister in church give a young girl a hug. I think we as believers should not be afraid if we see someone having a bad day or you know that type of thing to fitly speak those words of value and worth. Teen girls love a hug. Just those pieces that can bring value and that can speak that value into a teen girl.  

I think this has been very important. This has been an important conversation, and this has been very helpful. As we close, are there any parting comments that the two of you would want to say? 

One of the most important things I think for teens to know is that the struggles and challenges that they face, they are not alone in them. I would say a lot of the teen girls I talk to feel like no one else has the expectations that they have or no one else is facing the challenges that they’re facing. 

And the truth is, we are all more alike than different. And there are a lot of teenagers struggling. I think that understanding of traveling from childhood to adulthood and everyone has traveled that road of teenage years. So, there are lots of people out there to help and support you. 

Thanks, Kathy. Thanks, Katie, for sharing. This has been very helpful. Thanks, each one, for being on. I trust it’s been a blessing for you.